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End of Life

Smileysue

Registered User
Jan 28, 2017
47
My husband is in a care home and has been officially end of life for 6 weeks now. I have been coping OK all this time as the home have permitted me visits due to the fact that his room is accessible without me being in contact with other residents. This has been extremely valuable time with him but now he is deteriorating daily I am finding my strength sapping. Friends and family are very supportive but visits are so very hard now seeing his decline, I am really struggling. Has anyone found a way of coping with this situation.
 

Hoped

Registered User
May 17, 2020
17
Dear Smileysue,
I agree this is such a difficult time. If someone can be there with you that would help. Wishing you all the very best xx
 

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
13,322
England
It is indeed a very difficult time @Smileysue. It’s good that you can be there. I wish you strength at this sad time, as one who has been there, I know how heartbreaking it is.

My thoughts are with you.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,946
South coast
Seeing the physical changes can be harrowing, especially if you are not expecting them. When mum was at end of life it got to the stage where I honestly didnt know how she was still alive.

Hang on in there, it will be over soon
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))
 

Smileysue

Registered User
Jan 28, 2017
47
Seeing the physical changes can be harrowing, especially if you are not expecting them. When mum was at end of life it got to the stage where I honestly didnt know how she was still alive.

Hang on in there, it will be over soon
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))
Thanks. I think my problem is wishing it would be over soon and feeling guilty about those thoughts. He has no quality of life and I know worse is to come.
 

Smileysue

Registered User
Jan 28, 2017
47
Seeing the physical changes can be harrowing, especially if you are not expecting them. When mum was at end of life it got to the stage where I honestly didnt know how she was still alive.

Hang on in there, it will be over soon
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))
Thx so much. I knew this forum would give me comfort.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
760
@Smileysue, so sorry to hear of your troubles.
Would it help to take a little tape player with you and have some music?
it would depend so much on the individual?
Such a difficult time, sending you strength!
 

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
70
You will cope , as I did earlier this year. Hard as it is you will find the strength from somewhere. We do not want to be without the love of our life but we can't bear to see them endure this dreadful illness any more. Take every moment you get with your love and cherish it. I can only say my thoughts are with you at this time.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,144
Thanks. I think my problem is wishing it would be over soon and feeling guilty about those thoughts. He has no quality of life and I know worse is to come.
It is a perfectly natural thing to wish for. I prayed for my dad to be released from this awful cruel end and he eventually was and it was peaceful. The relief was huge as was the guilt and the sadness that he had gone but it was at long last over with. A heart attack would have been a blessing.

I miss him very much and I wish you strength.
 

Smileysue

Registered User
Jan 28, 2017
47
@Smileysue, so sorry to hear of your troubles.
Would it help to take a little tape player with you and have some music?
it would depend so much on the individual?
Such a difficult time, sending you strength!
Thank you for your kind thoughts and I’m pleased to say we have an Alexa in his room so he can hear his favourite music and me singing too - not always appreciated I’m sure 😁
 

MoodyC

Registered User
Sep 22, 2018
35
Hello smiley sue, my husband passed away on 2nd November and I too was allowed in for unlimited visits. The staff called me to say that he was unwell and it was the beginning of the end On the Tuesday before. I was totally unprepared as I hadn’t realised we were at this stage. But the limited visits this year has meant that I didn’t feel I could monitor him so well. Like you, I played music, read to him, told him stories from our time together and just held his hand. I chose to go in for the afternoons until the last two days when I stayed longer. But on the last day I found the breathing distressing to listen to and decided that I would go home. I could tell he was changing but just felt I would rather say goodbye to him breathing and asleep.. the staff said it might be good to say goodbye. I did and said we loved him and it was ok to slip away.. he died four hours later.. so my final memory is of him tucked up, fast asleep and I can cope with that.
my thoughts are with you, Sue and hope you have people to drive you to the home, prepare meals and support you through this stage. It takes a lot of energy and strength and then adjustment.

best wishes x
 

Smileysue

Registered User
Jan 28, 2017
47
Oh my goodness I can so empathise with you and so hope my husband’s passing is peaceful too. I hope you have support through your grieving and although reading your message has reduced me to tears I can feel the benefit your experience, which will help me at the end. Thank you for sharing.
 

dogdayafternoon

Registered User
Dec 30, 2017
184
I had not been able to see my wife for two months, on Tuesday lunchtime I had a call from the care home nurse that she was very weak and I had permission to visit. I was shocked, she was so thin and frail, she was only 76 but looked 96.
They let me sit with her, her breathing was irregular a few times I thought it had stopped, found. myself praying to please take her now. After two hours I left it was too upsetting then at 11:15 PM they called to say she had passed away in her sleep. It is five days now and I have become more adjusted, I can still cry over the silliest things, a sentimental song or someone asking about her but I know it was for the best, she is at peace and life must go on, they say time is a healer so I trust in that. I hope this gives you some hope for the future
 

Smileysue

Registered User
Jan 28, 2017
47
I had not been able to see my wife for two months, on Tuesday lunchtime I had a call from the care home nurse that she was very weak and I had permission to visit. I was shocked, she was so thin and frail, she was only 76 but looked 96.
They let me sit with her, her breathing was irregular a few times I thought it had stopped, found. myself praying to please take her now. After two hours I left it was too upsetting then at 11:15 PM they called to say she had passed away in her sleep. It is five days now and I have become more adjusted, I can still cry over the silliest things, a sentimental song or someone asking about her but I know it was for the best, she is at peace and life must go on, they say time is a healer so I trust in that. I hope this gives you some hope for the future
I’m so very sorry for your loss and the circumstances you had to cope with. I find music is a very comforting thing but sometimes like you has the opposite effect. Certain tunes I can’t listen to at all. I feel I have been grieving for the loss of my husband to Alzheimer’s since having to learn to live alone, and now I know I will have to do it again very soon. All the responses I have had with this thread have given me great support.