End of Life - Managing Visitors

[Seaholly]

Mum's GP has confirmed she has 'weeks' left (which we know could well mean more than 4 weeks) She's largely contented and sleeping a lot and we've got all we need in terms of being able to be with her.
Thinking back to when we lost Dad, we want to avoid the 'ghouls' Dad died fully aware of the disease he had and that there was no treatment available, so at least he understood why there were so many callers, 'phone calls and cards, but Mum doesn't have this awareness and whether or not she recalls specific family and friends is utterly dependent on what her Alzheimer's brain is doing to her minute-by-minute!

This means that while we don't want to deprive her of saying her goodbyes, a flood of visitors and a constantly ringing 'phone are absolutely the last thing she needs and will spoil her last few weeks. Most days, she doesn't recognise her own children all the time and a lot of the time, in her head, she's a little girl living in the home she grew up in, or trying to find her way back there.

I'd love some tips on how to (how do I put this nicely?!!!) encourage the sensitive, tactful and genuine callers who are willing to come, stay for perhaps a couple of minutes and be prepared for any scenario, from Mum not waking up, to being chatty and lucid, or chatty and confused, or tired, or angry........but avoid the 'ghouls' who are there to wail over how she is and still want her to make them feel better; or those who massively outstay their welcome and mess it up for other visitors later on?

However, I don't want people to be upset because they didn't know the end was so near!

So far I am suggesting people write a little card and post it, so she can hold it and we can read it to her when she's at her best and read it again if she's forgotten. A few people, we'd love her to see again as we know they will just instinctively know how to handle the situation.

Already though, one 'helpful' person has ignored my request not to tell anyone of her situation - but done so with additional advice that I 'don't want' people coming round - which is not what I said at all!!!

 

[canary]

hi @Seaholly
Im so sorry to hear about your Mum. I think the reason you have not had any replies is a cultural thing. In the last week of her life my mum only had visits from me, my daughter and her husband, one friend and the priest, so Im afraid that I cannot advise, but I thought I would bump this up in the hope that someone else in your position can help.

Please look after yourself in the midst of all the chaos, stress and grief.
xxxx

 

[northumbrian_k]

It is hard to manage this @Seaholly and all I can suggest is that everyone is aware that your Mum's needs come first. As she can't herself say what she wants you need to do that. Anyone who wants to visit to make themselves feel better (especially if they have been absent for a long time) should be made aware that it is not appropriate. If there are people you think your Mum would like to see then encourage them to visit. But stress that any visits must be short and reactive to your Mum. If she is asleep they need to resist waking her up. It is about your Mum not them. Your idea of cards is a good one as it relieves the stress of over long visits. If anyone wants to weep and wail they can do that at home in their own time.

These are just suggestions. It seems likely that some people might take offence but only if they put their needs before your Mum's. No-one should criticize you for doing what you feel is best. Your Mum comes first. That can't be repeated too often.