End of life in nursing home, can’t visit - anyone else in this position?

[bdmid]

I so understand your situation the very same happened with my mum who we sadly lost on the 9 April, we had not allowed to see her, it had been 3 weeks since we’d seen mum when she died, that was and still is heartbreaking. we did have updates but it’s not the same. I hope you get to see him. My mum had been on end of life for almost 8 months so it’s possible he’ll rally. Sending you hugs

 

[VickiW]

Thank you to all of you who have replied, sent support and love at this time. It means so much and it really helped me get through the situation.

Dad passed away last Thursday and my sisters and I were with him. I am still numb, as many of you know, even in late stage dementia it is a shock when our loved ones finally leave us. My world fell apart for a while but I am so moved by all of your stories and challenges.

I am so sorry to all of you that are going through this, who have lost their loved ones and my heart breaks reading about those who could not be there at the end. It must make an awful situation even worse. It’s devastating.

I have found in the last few days I am remembering my Dad as he was, when he was strong and enjoying life to the full. He was an amazing man.

My dear Dad, along with your loved ones, are true fighters, living with dementia and Alzheimer’s. I clapped and cheered for them all last night, and for all of the wonderful people keeping the world going at the moment.

I will stay involved with trying to do whatever small thing I can to help raise awareness and improve things, my Dad would have wanted that.

Much love to you all at this strange time, thinking of you all x x x

 

[canary]

I am so sorry for your loss.

It will take a while to get through the grieving process, but Im glad you can now remember him as he was
xxx

 

[Bunpoots]

I’m so pleased you were able to be with your dad at the end @VickiW please accept my condolences on your loss.

I’m glad you’re remembering your dad as he was - that’s how I think of mine now and it helps.

 

[Cat27]

I’m so sorry @VickiW. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Izzy]

I’m so sorry for your loss @VickiW. Sending my condolences and wishing you strength.

 

[Shedrech]

sad news @VickiW

"My dear Dad, along with your loved ones, are true fighters, living with dementia and Alzheimer’s. I clapped and cheered for them all last night, and for all of the wonderful people keeping the world going at the moment."

What a brilliant tribute to your dad .... I will have your words in mind next thursday

 

[Jale]

So sorry for your loss VickiW, take care

 

[Mamanofthree]

Hello Everyone, I have been reading how you have all had similar experiences as we are having..I feel so numb right now...My mother was in a carehome, about three weeks before the actual lockdown the home closed its doors to visitors , which at the time, I thought was a good idea to keep everyone safe, not thinking about should anything actually go wrong..At the end of March, one of the times I phoned the home..they told me Mum wasnt eating or drinking..and so on for a few days she was not looking good..as they put it...Still then, I didn't think the worse would happen..I asked again if I could see her..they ended up saying yes, for 10 mins. I rushed up there..Mum was sleeping heavily..I had 10 , maybe 12 mins with her..I don't know if she knew I was there..Anyway..long story..few nights later I got that dreadful phone call to say she had gone. I asked to go see her..no, was the answer. Once Mum had reached the funeral home..I asked again. They said not just yet..we will prepare her and you can come up..those hours waiting...I will never forget..to then be told we couldn't see her at all. We couldnt choose her clothes to wear, obvioulsy couldn't have her home until the funeral..we did ask that.. etc etc..everything was no. I cannot discribe how I and one of my sons are feeling about it all..I feel so bad Ive let her down, before, during and after. My Mums funeral is on Tuesday 12th May. On Thursday evening I got a phone call to see Mum...well , her coffin , from today..so today and Monday we can go. I was surprised we could go..as we were not even allowed to go there for the paper work over these past weeks..it was all delivered and we are not allowed to approach the coffin at the crematoruim either..so , was a surprise to get that phone call. My son and I went to the chapel of rest today . We will go back on Monday. I was so tempeted to ask to see Mum..but husband says it wouldnt be a good idea, even if we are allowed to..its now been 5 weeks since Mum passed away . I am so so sorry , so many families are going through this..

 

[pixie2]

My dear Dad has moved to end of life care at his nursing home. It was bad enough not being able to see him every day when the lockdown started, but this is unbearable.

My sisters and I were called in last Thursday as he hadn’t eaten or drunk much at all for three days. The nursing home staff are usually amazing and of course are under huge pressure and operating in a frightening environment, so we have been careful to try to work with them.

The manager has said that we can visit again when Dad deteriorates further. We are so grateful we got to see him last week and appreciate this is more than some families get in the current situation.

My concern is that we are receiving inconsistent updates when we call. I was distraught when told we could not be with him and the Clinical Lead said we could call as much as we wanted to get updates on his condition.

As a family, we have been mindful not to call too often and today we suggested that they call us twice a day when convenient to them. The care manager agreed, and then didn’t call this afternoon as promised.

When my sister called tonight the nurse told her to ring back as she was too busy, then said we needed to wait until the morning. When we asked how Dad was , we were told he was still very poorly but had had lunch and fluids. When pushed, it was no lunch and 15 ml fluid all day. And even then not sure as didn’t have time to look at his records.

My sister rang back at 10pm as she requested and she said she is still too busy to talk, that we should wait until the morning. When we said how worried we are and just feel like we are sitting for a call to tell us our Dad has died, she flippantly said “I told you last Thursday that his obs were stable and he’s still here isn’t he?”

Considering that last Thursday the care manager and dr thought he had less than 24 hours to live, and he hasn’t eaten since, I dont think we are being unreasonable. We have processed and accepted the fact that we cannot be with him, we don’t want to put other residents at risk but is it too much to ask for a clear update on how he is?

We have been with our Dad every step of his journey over the years and it’s bad enough we can’t be with him, but to be so out of touch with how he is doing feels inhumane.

I wondered if anyone else is in this awful situation and how they are coping with it.

My mam has just passed. I was in Exactly the same situation. I was called in to see her right at the very end. It torments me every moment wondering if she knew i was there or was it too late. My heart consoles itself knowing we loved each other and i kissed her

 

[pixie2]

Hello Everyone, I have been reading how you have all had similar experiences as we are having..I feel so numb right now...My mother was in a carehome, about three weeks before the actual lockdown the home closed its doors to visitors , which at the time, I thought was a good idea to keep everyone safe, not thinking about should anything actually go wrong..At the end of March, one of the times I phoned the home..they told me Mum wasnt eating or drinking..and so on for a few days she was not looking good..as they put it...Still then, I didn't think the worse would happen..I asked again if I could see her..they ended up saying yes, for 10 mins. I rushed up there..Mum was sleeping heavily..I had 10 , maybe 12 mins with her..I don't know if she knew I was there..Anyway..long story..few nights later I got that dreadful phone call to say she had gone. I asked to go see her..no, was the answer. Once Mum had reached the funeral home..I asked again. They said not just yet..we will prepare her and you can come up..those hours waiting...I will never forget..to then be told we couldn't see her at all. We couldnt choose her clothes to wear, obvioulsy couldn't have her home until the funeral..we did ask that.. etc etc..everything was no. I cannot discribe how I and one of my sons are feeling about it all..I feel so bad Ive let her down, before, during and after. My Mums funeral is on Tuesday 12th May. On Thursday evening I got a phone call to see Mum...well , her coffin , from today..so today and Monday we can go. I was surprised we could go..as we were not even allowed to go there for the paper work over these past weeks..it was all delivered and we are not allowed to approach the coffin at the crematoruim either..so , was a surprise to get that phone call. My son and I went to the chapel of rest today . We will go back on Monday. I was so tempeted to ask to see Mum..but husband says it wouldnt be a good idea, even if we are allowed to..its now been 5 weeks since Mum passed away . I am so so sorry , so many families are going through this..

Your situation is identical to mine xx