End of life? How long, it's so painful

Discussion in 'End of life care' started by Shazedge, Dec 14, 2015.

  1. Shazedge

    Shazedge Registered User

    Nov 11, 2015
    27
    Hello, this is my first time posting but I am at a loss. My dear dad is 71 and has been diagnose for about 3-4 years. Just 16 months ago he walked me down the aisle and "gave me away" on my wedding day, it was such a special moment. From about last xmas his anger started getting much worse, we were (my hubby and I) up and down to mum and dads several times a week. Yes my dad had started taking his anger out on my mum. At first it was not too bad but things escalated over the course of about 10 mths and he was trying to strangle her, punched her in the face and even had a go at my younger sister in front of my 8 year old niece. Mum ( we all) managed best we could but at the beginning of August this year he was sectioned and has been in a mental health unit since. It's been awful he has been moved back and forth 3 times, one time because he punched an elderly lady so hard, the family complained insisting he was moved and ended up miles away from home. All this time apart from thr last 2 weeks he has been uncontrollably violent. His Dr has told us he is so severely brain damaged they are now giving him palliative care as he is end of life . It's horrendous, he doesn't eat properly, just has VERY small amounts per day which is liquidised, prob about a couple of tea spoons of that, the only thing he has really is ice cream. He doesn't talk,recognition of any of us has gone, is doubly incontinent, and sleeps all the time, impossible to wake him.
    Every time I see him it reduces me to tears and I pray that it won't last for long (then I feel bad for wishing him dead) the torment keeps me from sleeping and worst of all my poor mum is going through a living hell. She's been married to dad for over 47 years and this vile disease that has taken our amazing, kind, loving and gentle dad just seems to go on forever. My sister's, like me, are in pieces and its all so emotionally draining.
    Has anyone else experienced something similar and know how long this can go on for?
    Thanks feeling desperate and tired x x
     
  2. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013
    139
    Welcome Shazedge to TP. I am so so sorry to read about the massive and such rapid changes in your poor Dad and the terrible impact it has had on your Mum and family. I'm not the right person to offer advice because my Mum's decline, whilst anger, aggression etc are part of it, has not taken us to the desperately sad place you find yourself in. Just wanted to acknowledge your posting and to say I'm glad you have reached out for support, others who have walked in your shoes will be along. Thinking of you and sending virtual hug.
     
  3. nannylondon

    nannylondon Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    2,476
    London
    Hi Shazedge welcome to TP my heart goes out to you and your family I am going through a very similar situation at the moment with my husband same as your dad he was a very gentle man he got very violent this year is now the same as your dad sleeps most of the time doesn't know who we are can't walk or talk I have no advice we just have to be there for them and remember how they were sending you a big hug xxx
     
  4. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    Hi Shazedge

    I'm so sorry that you have had to witness such a kind and gentle man being aggressive; my late Husband was the same so I understand how you feel. Please keep posting as you will get lots of support here.

    Love to you and your family

    Lyn T XX
     
  5. Shazedge

    Shazedge Registered User

    Nov 11, 2015
    27
    Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and comments. It helps to know you understand what I am going through. We had a call last night from the hospital to say dad had deteriorated over the course of the day and they are concerned as he has not eaten or taken any fluids at all. He has been asleep most of the day and they were carrying out regular obs. They wanted to check contact details just in case anything changes during the night. I have to say it made me feel sad and sick and the thought of losing my dad totally is heartbreaking and almost unbearable but at the same time a wave of calm swept over me, it all felt very surreal. I've no idea how close to the end we are and I've had no calls in the night so assume he has been comfortable. Feeling lost and confused
     
  6. Shazedge

    Shazedge Registered User

    Nov 11, 2015
    27
    Sending love and my sincere thoughts to you and your family. Such a horrible and difficult situation xxx
     
  7. Shazedge

    Shazedge Registered User

    Nov 11, 2015
    27
    Thank you and thinking of you also and your journey ahead xxx
     
  8. Shazedge

    Shazedge Registered User

    Nov 11, 2015
    27
    I'm sorry to hear you have already been through this experience. Thank you for your kind thoughts, it really helps x x x
     
  9. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,295
    SW London
    I think it's normal in the circumstances to feel so torn - relief that it may soon be over, coupled with grief that the person will be gone.
    We were 'lucky' in that our mother's decline at the end was so swift - she was 97 with very advanced dementia - but although I still feel sad, and miss her, even though she hadn't known any of us for ages, I will never feel bad for being glad and relieved that she was released from that pitiful existence at last. It had been dreadful to witness for a long time.
    Thinking of you.x
     
  10. Shazedge

    Shazedge Registered User

    Nov 11, 2015
    27
    Update
    My dad passed away this morning at the mental Health hospital he has been in since the beginning of August. Feel calm but also shell shocked as dad went from being able to have conversation and walk around our local village in August to being bed bound in 5 months. Do feel quite calm though and in the end he was so comfortable and relaxed. The hospital staff are amazing and they could not have called it any better. Dad was able to pass away peacefully and took his last breath at 9.20am this morning..... Feeling heartbroken but relieved... Thanks for your support ❤️❤️❤️❤️
     
  11. jeany123

    jeany123 Registered User

    Mar 24, 2012
    19,049
    Durham
    Sorry to hear your sad news about your dad Shazedge, he is at peace, please accept my sympathy,

    Jeany x
     
  12. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    Im sorry you have lost your dad but im glad it was peaceful and you were there. Wishing you peace and hope the bad memories fade soon. Love quilty.
     
  13. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    So sorry to hear you Dad passed away this morning. Take care of yourself in the coming days. Thinking of you xxxxxxx
     
  14. nannylondon

    nannylondon Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    2,476
    London
    So sorry to hear your dad has passed away my deepest sympathies to you and your family xxxxx
     
  15. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,206
    Merseyside
    My thoughts are with you xx
     
  16. Roses40

    Roses40 Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    473
    manchester
    Please accept my sincere condolences, love Rose x
     
  17. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    Shazedge, please accept my condolences for the loss of your Dad. Please let us know how you are doing if you can/want to.

    Love

    Lyn T XX
     
  18. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,581
    Female
    Dundee
    I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending my condolences.
     
  19. LeedsLass

    LeedsLass Registered User

    Oct 13, 2014
    107
    Essex
    Thinking of you Shazedge, glad your dad is now at peace. Wishing you strength for the days ahead X


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  20. claire43

    claire43 Registered User

    Jul 11, 2013
    153
    South Wales
    My thoughts are with you and your family at this sad time x
     

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