End of life? How long, it's so painful

Shazedge

Registered User
Nov 11, 2015
27
Hello, this is my first time posting but I am at a loss. My dear dad is 71 and has been diagnose for about 3-4 years. Just 16 months ago he walked me down the aisle and "gave me away" on my wedding day, it was such a special moment. From about last xmas his anger started getting much worse, we were (my hubby and I) up and down to mum and dads several times a week. Yes my dad had started taking his anger out on my mum. At first it was not too bad but things escalated over the course of about 10 mths and he was trying to strangle her, punched her in the face and even had a go at my younger sister in front of my 8 year old niece. Mum ( we all) managed best we could but at the beginning of August this year he was sectioned and has been in a mental health unit since. It's been awful he has been moved back and forth 3 times, one time because he punched an elderly lady so hard, the family complained insisting he was moved and ended up miles away from home. All this time apart from thr last 2 weeks he has been uncontrollably violent. His Dr has told us he is so severely brain damaged they are now giving him palliative care as he is end of life . It's horrendous, he doesn't eat properly, just has VERY small amounts per day which is liquidised, prob about a couple of tea spoons of that, the only thing he has really is ice cream. He doesn't talk,recognition of any of us has gone, is doubly incontinent, and sleeps all the time, impossible to wake him.
Every time I see him it reduces me to tears and I pray that it won't last for long (then I feel bad for wishing him dead) the torment keeps me from sleeping and worst of all my poor mum is going through a living hell. She's been married to dad for over 47 years and this vile disease that has taken our amazing, kind, loving and gentle dad just seems to go on forever. My sister's, like me, are in pieces and its all so emotionally draining.
Has anyone else experienced something similar and know how long this can go on for?
Thanks feeling desperate and tired x x
 

janey106

Registered User
Dec 10, 2013
139
Welcome Shazedge to TP. I am so so sorry to read about the massive and such rapid changes in your poor Dad and the terrible impact it has had on your Mum and family. I'm not the right person to offer advice because my Mum's decline, whilst anger, aggression etc are part of it, has not taken us to the desperately sad place you find yourself in. Just wanted to acknowledge your posting and to say I'm glad you have reached out for support, others who have walked in your shoes will be along. Thinking of you and sending virtual hug.
 

nannylondon

Registered User
Apr 7, 2014
2,475
London
Hello, this is my first time posting but I am at a loss. My dear dad is 71 and has been diagnose for about 3-4 years. Just 16 months ago he walked me down the aisle and "gave me away" on my wedding day, it was such a special moment. From about last xmas his anger started getting much worse, we were (my hubby and I) up and down to mum and dads several times a week. Yes my dad had started taking his anger out on my mum. At first it was not too bad but things escalated over the course of about 10 mths and he was trying to strangle her, punched her in the face and even had a go at my younger sister in front of my 8 year old niece. Mum ( we all) managed best we could but at the beginning of August this year he was sectioned and has been in a mental health unit since. It's been awful he has been moved back and forth 3 times, one time because he punched an elderly lady so hard, the family complained insisting he was moved and ended up miles away from home. All this time apart from thr last 2 weeks he has been uncontrollably violent. His Dr has told us he is so severely brain damaged they are now giving him palliative care as he is end of life . It's horrendous, he doesn't eat properly, just has VERY small amounts per day which is liquidised, prob about a couple of tea spoons of that, the only thing he has really is ice cream. He doesn't talk,recognition of any of us has gone, is doubly incontinent, and sleeps all the time, impossible to wake him.
Every time I see him it reduces me to tears and I pray that it won't last for long (then I feel bad for wishing him dead) the torment keeps me from sleeping and worst of all my poor mum is going through a living hell. She's been married to dad for over 47 years and this vile disease that has taken our amazing, kind, loving and gentle dad just seems to go on forever. My sister's, like me, are in pieces and its all so emotionally draining.
Has anyone else experienced something similar and know how long this can go on for?
Thanks feeling desperate and tired x x
Hi Shazedge welcome to TP my heart goes out to you and your family I am going through a very similar situation at the moment with my husband same as your dad he was a very gentle man he got very violent this year is now the same as your dad sleeps most of the time doesn't know who we are can't walk or talk I have no advice we just have to be there for them and remember how they were sending you a big hug xxx
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,962
Brixham Devon
Hi Shazedge

I'm so sorry that you have had to witness such a kind and gentle man being aggressive; my late Husband was the same so I understand how you feel. Please keep posting as you will get lots of support here.

Love to you and your family

Lyn T XX
 

Shazedge

Registered User
Nov 11, 2015
27
Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and comments. It helps to know you understand what I am going through. We had a call last night from the hospital to say dad had deteriorated over the course of the day and they are concerned as he has not eaten or taken any fluids at all. He has been asleep most of the day and they were carrying out regular obs. They wanted to check contact details just in case anything changes during the night. I have to say it made me feel sad and sick and the thought of losing my dad totally is heartbreaking and almost unbearable but at the same time a wave of calm swept over me, it all felt very surreal. I've no idea how close to the end we are and I've had no calls in the night so assume he has been comfortable. Feeling lost and confused
 

Shazedge

Registered User
Nov 11, 2015
27
Hi Shazedge welcome to TP my heart goes out to you and your family I am going through a very similar situation at the moment with my husband same as your dad he was a very gentle man he got very violent this year is now the same as your dad sleeps most of the time doesn't know who we are can't walk or talk I have no advice we just have to be there for them and remember how they were sending you a big hug xxx
Sending love and my sincere thoughts to you and your family. Such a horrible and difficult situation xxx
 

Shazedge

Registered User
Nov 11, 2015
27
Welcome Shazedge to TP. I am so so sorry to read about the massive and such rapid changes in your poor Dad and the terrible impact it has had on your Mum and family. I'm not the right person to offer advice because my Mum's decline, whilst anger, aggression etc are part of it, has not taken us to the desperately sad place you find yourself in. Just wanted to acknowledge your posting and to say I'm glad you have reached out for support, others who have walked in your shoes will be along. Thinking of you and sending virtual hug.
Thank you and thinking of you also and your journey ahead xxx
 

Shazedge

Registered User
Nov 11, 2015
27
Hi Shazedge

I'm so sorry that you have had to witness such a kind and gentle man being aggressive; my late Husband was the same so I understand how you feel. Please keep posting as you will get lots of support here.

Love to you and your family

Lyn T XX
I'm sorry to hear you have already been through this experience. Thank you for your kind thoughts, it really helps x x x
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and comments. It helps to know you understand what I am going through. We had a call last night from the hospital to say dad had deteriorated over the course of the day and they are concerned as he has not eaten or taken any fluids at all. He has been asleep most of the day and they were carrying out regular obs. They wanted to check contact details just in case anything changes during the night. I have to say it made me feel sad and sick and the thought of losing my dad totally is heartbreaking and almost unbearable but at the same time a wave of calm swept over me, it all felt very surreal. I've no idea how close to the end we are and I've had no calls in the night so assume he has been comfortable. Feeling lost and confused
I think it's normal in the circumstances to feel so torn - relief that it may soon be over, coupled with grief that the person will be gone.
We were 'lucky' in that our mother's decline at the end was so swift - she was 97 with very advanced dementia - but although I still feel sad, and miss her, even though she hadn't known any of us for ages, I will never feel bad for being glad and relieved that she was released from that pitiful existence at last. It had been dreadful to witness for a long time.
Thinking of you.x
 

Shazedge

Registered User
Nov 11, 2015
27
Update
My dad passed away this morning at the mental Health hospital he has been in since the beginning of August. Feel calm but also shell shocked as dad went from being able to have conversation and walk around our local village in August to being bed bound in 5 months. Do feel quite calm though and in the end he was so comfortable and relaxed. The hospital staff are amazing and they could not have called it any better. Dad was able to pass away peacefully and took his last breath at 9.20am this morning..... Feeling heartbroken but relieved... Thanks for your support ❤❤❤❤
 

jeany123

Registered User
Mar 24, 2012
19,036
70
Durham
Sorry to hear your sad news about your dad Shazedge, he is at peace, please accept my sympathy,

Jeany x
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,051
GLASGOW
Im sorry you have lost your dad but im glad it was peaceful and you were there. Wishing you peace and hope the bad memories fade soon. Love quilty.
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,732
So sorry to hear you Dad passed away this morning. Take care of yourself in the coming days. Thinking of you xxxxxxx
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,962
Brixham Devon
Shazedge, please accept my condolences for the loss of your Dad. Please let us know how you are doing if you can/want to.

Love

Lyn T XX
 

LeedsLass

Registered User
Oct 13, 2014
107
Essex
Thinking of you Shazedge, glad your dad is now at peace. Wishing you strength for the days ahead X


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