End of life .. Help!

Discussion in 'End of life care' started by Lucu, Feb 14, 2016.

  1. Lucu

    Lucu Registered User

    Feb 14, 2016
    10
    Hello am new on here just joined , am so confused , I need help ! My father inlaw is at the nursing home , he has dimentia , last stages of dimentia . So he is at end of of life care . He hasn't eaten or drunk any fluids for 5 days now , he doesn't talk or move at all , he sleeps all the time , he doesn't waken up for the past 4 days ,we have tried to wake him up but no response , please help does anyone know how long can someone survive without food or drink and just sleeps all the time ? It's really a sad time for us as we don't know how long he can survive like this and it's so devastating to be waiting for the loved one to leave us for good . It's so terrifying ! I feel so terrible for my mother inlaw as she is by his bed side all the time as we are all scared that he will leave us any time .
    Please help has anyone been in this position before !? How long can we be in this situation for ?! Your help will greatly be appreciated . :-(
     
  2. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,598
    West Midlands
    I'm so sorry you are in this position

    I'm also sorry that I can't answer your questions, but I couldn't just read and not respond.

    I think it's a "how long is a piece of string" type of situation you are in. All I can suggest is hang on in there.

    Support your mother in law as much as you can and be with your father in law when you can.

    I do understand from posts on here that a person when they are coming to the end of their life do not suffer by not eating and drinking. They are not eating and drinking because they are coming to the end of their life and chemicals, for want of a better word, take over and keep the person comfortable. It's a worst time for those watching, than the person going through it.

    A horrible time for you. Thinking of you xx


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  3. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,585
    Hello, so sorry you and your family are enduring such a hard time.

    I nursed my mother at home until her death and if it's any comfort for you to know, in her case, not eating or drinking didn't seem to cause her any distress.

    When Mam was dying, I remember reading on here, a member saying 'Are they dying because they're not eating, or are they not eating because they're dying?'

    The most important thing to me was pain control, if I were you I would seek reassurance that all your FIL's needs will be met as soon as required.

    No pain relief for your dear Mother-in-law, or yourselves.

    Dark times for you all, I wish peace and comfort for your FIL and the same with strength to you all. x


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  4. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,807
    Ireland
    I am no help to you Lucca but had to respond to you. It is a dreadful situation for all of you. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. The answer to your question in I simply don't know. I know a person can survive for quite a long time without food but but no drink is a difficult one. Be assured that the Nursing Home staff are doing everything possible to ensure that your FIL is getting the best of care.

    Aisling ( Ireland )
     
  5. CJinUSA

    CJinUSA Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    1,125
    eastern USA
    #5 CJinUSA, Feb 14, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2016
    Dear, dear Lucu,

    I hope your father-in-law is comfortable, even if he is not eating or drinking. Our bodies are all different. I have read that one could last three weeks this way, but most go for a week or two. My concern is for your mother-in-law, who seems to want to do what can be called "vigil" - watching for signs of passing on so as to pray for the person and know the moment of the passing. Your mother-in-law will need some people to help her with this, if she persists in wanting to sit by his side. Does she have friends who could help with vigil, or can you help, if you are inclined to try to help her?

    Sometimes passing out of this life might usefully be thought of as a seeking of peace. I'm sorry. You sound so distraught, and there's nothing really that anyone can do to help him except love him enough to let him go. Alas.
     
  6. Lucu

    Lucu Registered User

    Feb 14, 2016
    10
    End of life

    2jays thanks so much for the reply , every little information helps . Just trying to understand and feeling helpless that we are sitting there all day watching him dying slowly ! So painful!
    The nurse said he has gone in coma now. Am trying to be strong for my mother inlaw my and my husband but am terrified and scared !



     
  7. Lucu

    Lucu Registered User

    Feb 14, 2016
    10
    Aisling , thanks so much for the support , sad to hear about your mother , hope your well ! Am just praying that he shouldn't be suffering they gave him morphine to make him settle as he seemed agitated and not settled ! Going to bed is like a night mare thinking is he going to go through tonight .
    The stuff at the nursing home are being so good.
    So sad to see him the way he is now , and all the good memories we have had . Please continue praying for us! We all feel helpless especially my mother inlaw as they have been married for so long.
    Thanks







     
  8. Lucu

    Lucu Registered User

    Feb 14, 2016
    10
    Dear Alas,
    Yeah he is comfortable the nurse comes in all the time to check on him and cares comes in turn him around all the time to make sure he is comfortable,
    I sat there praying and reading prayer book for him but we haven't done any vigil . Thanks for the idea will talk to my mother inlaw tomorrow
    Its devastating! Thanks for the support xx

    I hope your father-in-law is comfortable, even if he is not eating or drinking. Our bodies are all different. I have read that one could last three weeks this way, but most go for a week or two. My concern is for your mother-in-law, who seems to want to do what can be called "vigil" - watching for signs of passing on so as to pray for the person and know the moment of the passing. Your mother-in-law will need some people to help her with this, if she persists in wanting to sit by his side. Does she have friends who could help with vigil, or can you help, if you are inclined to try to help her?

    Sometimes passing out of this life might usefully be thought of as a seeking of peace. I'm sorry. You sound so distraught, and there's nothing really that anyone can do to help him except love him enough to let him go. Alas.[/QUOTE]
     
  9. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    Perhaps your mother in law is finding peace by sitting with him through these last stages. It is sometimes longer than one would hope. I wanted to be at my Mother's side when she died and I was and we were both at my Grandma's bedside when she died too - it is difficult to explain, not fear just a sense of belonging and family and bonds and travelling the road together. For some of us it is important to be there at the moment of death. From what you have said it doesn't sound as though it will be long now. Perhaps your MiL is cat napping whilst she is sitting with him. She will rest afterwards and probably rest better knowing that she was with him. You say that he is peaceful, which is really positive and that the nursing staff are supportive. Thinking of you at this very difficult time and wishing you some peace xx
     
  10. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,598
    West Midlands
    Thinking about you all today

    Hoping you are feeling less scared and your father in law is peaceful

    xx


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  11. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,525
    North East England
    Lucu, like everyone, I'm so sorry you are all going through this awful, difficult time. I have no answers but just wanted to say that I too am thinking of you all. xx
     
  12. Timeout

    Timeout Registered User

    Feb 10, 2012
    204
    I too am so sorry you are facing this difficult time. I hope your FIL is peaceful and that you are all holding up in these sad times. Xx
     
  13. JXPW

    JXPW Registered User

    Feb 24, 2012
    34
    Essex
    I was in the same situation as you 10 months ago. My dad was in hospital though, and I sat by his bedside for probably 10 days before he passed. It was a terribly emotional time for me, but it gave me the time to say all the things that i could ever think of - that I would never regret not being able to say. My husband took a photo of our hands held tightly together. My dad didn't speak, he seemed calm, it was what he wanted. A relief from that terrible disease.

    10 months on, it gives me some comfort. That photo. Glad I have it and glad I had the time.
     
  14. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,942
    North East England
    Twelve month ago I was in your shoes. I was waiting and praying for my Mum to take her last breath. At times I'm sure I would forget to breathe myself. This is such a difficult time, the waiting seems to consume you, and yet, hopefully, your Father in Law knows nothing of this.
    I sat alone with Mum, and yet I was never alone. The staff would pop in to her room and chat to me and her, the Doctor came, the Nurses came, but mostly it was just me and Mum. That is to say Me, Mum and the memories of a life filled with the love of her family , Mum would call out for her Mum, or her Dad, her sister was there in spirit, her brother, my Dad, my sister....all gone before her, but, in her mind they were all there waiting to take her onwards to peace......... and yet, despite this, when she left this life, she had no family holding her hand. She died at 6 am with a carer there.
    I could have been angry that I'd spent so much time there and she'd waited until I was away, but to be honest, I was more relieved that she had left this sad end and gone home.
    Your MIL feels a need to be there with her life partner. All you can do is support her now and in the future when she needs you.

    Thinking of you all at this time, Maureen.
     
  15. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,807
    Ireland

    Dear Lucca,

    Sending you support and prayers.

    Aisling (Ireland)
     
  16. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Lucca, you are in my thoughts at this terribly difficult time.

    I would like to pick up on something that Craigmaid said earlier - it is very common for a loved one to slip away when they are alone, even if someone has been with them for days on end. It is a frequent occurrence - as if the person has to take the last step of the earthbound journey alone - but can be very distressing for the family who have done their utmost to try and ensure this does not happen.

    If this does happen to you, please know that you have not let anyone down in any way.
     
  17. Lucu

    Lucu Registered User

    Feb 14, 2016
    10
    Passed away

    My father inlaw passed away yesterday morning , he passed Awa in his sleep . We were called but he passed away before we got there . It's such a difficult time but at the same time he is finally resting in peace . We are all heart broken ! Thanks so much for the support !

     
  18. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,757
    Female
    Dundee
    I'm sorry for your loss. Sending condolences.
     
  19. Lucu

    Lucu Registered User

    Feb 14, 2016
    10
    End of life

    aaww thanks for the message , my father inlaw passed away in the morning yesterday. So heart broken but he is resting in peace.

     
  20. Lucu

    Lucu Registered User

    Feb 14, 2016
    10
    End of life

    Izzy , thanks for the message really appreciate. Still awake can't sleep . Thanks . Xx
     

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