End of another Chapter in Mum's life

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Mameeskye, Sep 18, 2007.

  1. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    Tonight I went to see Mum. She had another suspected TIA and has been slowly recovering for the last fortnight but this time has lost a lot. No longer do the words come as easily, although it is improving slightly, she no longer walks unaided but again is managing with staff help. For long enough she has needed help with her drinking and eating so as I couldn't tip the tea cup easily tonight as she was in bed I asked for a straw. In the past this has ben fine, tonight she had lost the knowledge of how to suck and I had to use the straw as a pipette.

    The little lady she has been for a summer has gone and as Autumn starts there is someone less skilled and frailer in her place.

    For the first time in a long time I cried for her as I travelled the 30 miles home.

  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Oh mameeskye, your poor dear mum.

    How savage the effects of TIAs can be. Your words brought tears to my eyes.

    May her Autumn turn to an Indian Summer. Take care. Connie
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear Mameeskye, I know how you feel. I too cried driving home from hospital. These little losses are so hard to bear, and just when you learn to live with one, another one comes along. It's so true what they say, that demenitia is a long bereavement. No-one who hasn't lived with it can possibly know the agony of it.

    My heart goes out to you. My love and best wishes to you and your mum.

  4. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Mameeskye

    I am so sorry that mum is not so good, its dreadful to watch and be able to do nothing to make it better. But what does make it better for mum is your love.

    May her Autumn turn to an Indian Summer.

    What as lovely way to put it Connie, and I totally agree.


  5. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    So very sad. Nothing to add except that know that both you and your mother are in my thoughts.

  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Mameeskye

    So many chapters, each one bringing it`s own heartache. I hope you have the strength to continue this journey with your mother for as long as necessary.

    Love xx
  7. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    leigh lancashire
    Dear mameeskye,What words will make you feel better?non that i can say i am sure.All i can say is that life takes its toll in many forms.The toll your mum is taking is heartwrenching to watch and my heart goes out to you all.Love is an answer to may things,but love doesn't reply when we are hurting.Why?love and hearftelt support,elainex
  8. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    Thank you

    Thank you for all your kind words. Connie, I too hope for a bit of an Indian Summer but all of us hope and fear that this will be Mum's last winter. Isn't it strange to hope for such a thing. This disease is crueller in our case to the family than it is to my Mum as since she lost touch with reality she has been content in her own world.

    A long bereavement..definitely..in my head it has also been a multiple bereavement as each stage has revealed a different person and I have had to say goodbye to each of those. (the lighter hearted part of me sometimes thinks of Shrek, when he said that ogres are like onions, with many layers. I think this is relevant to Mum as each layer is stripped away there is less and less left and soon we will be left with just the tiny centre fragment of life!)

    Strangely I have found that the pain of the grief, although intense as it happens lasts for less time now, each time there is a change. I think of it as when someone dies you really hurt in the beginning but over time although it still pains and memories are bittersweet you recover from them more rapidly each time.

    Thank you for your support

  9. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    I think that's a very good analogy Mameeskye. It does feel as if layers of personality are being progressively stripped away.

    But as long as that centre core remains, and as long as we keep getting glimpses of it, it's impossible to stop caring, and grieving.

  10. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    That's such a true image Mameeskye.

    I shall recipricate one of the virtual hugs you've sent to me over the last few weeks.


    I'll be thinking of you.
  11. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    Dear mameeskye,
    I felt sadness reading your post it's a miserable disease indeed. The feeling of hopelessness just watching while they're slowly slipping away. I suppose you can draw some comfort knowing that she is contented in her own world. I know what your saying when you refer to this disease as been crueler to the family, as that's how I feel, it's the utter helplessness that is so hard to bear. Regards Taffy.
  12. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #12 Margarita, Sep 19, 2007
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2007
    So like my mother , glad you said the above . I feel that pain , that just make me want to cry my eyes out after seeing my mother layer of her personality, a memory disappear slowly over time then next moment so fast like blink of an eye it. She also seem so happy in her own world , that she does not even notice those memory disappear [ silly thing to say she does not notices it ]

    I could not reply to your post yesterday , because it just make me want to Cry, just thinking about it but then thinking of mum contented in her own world make me feel more positive give me more balance over my emotion . few people while on holiday keep telling me that its harder on the family .

    Thank-you for sharing
  13. Louise.D

    Louise.D Registered User

    Apr 13, 2007

    Reading your thread could of been me talking. I'm at the same stage with my mother. It's horrible and like alot of people I just want it to end, but feel guilty for wanting her to go.

    Nothing, could of prepared me for this, last year we sat on the beach playing with the kids. It does get easier, I don't cry driving to and from the home now. Just on the way back. I try to do little things for her, yesterday I got her some oil pastels and we smeared them onto paper. Today, her best friend is the ceiling and she ignored me.

    Your right it is a cruel disease and I agree with your statement it's worse for the family. I find now I'm not just my childrens mother but my mothers mother as well, but, under these circumstances I would not have it any other way.

    Big Hugs

  14. Tina

    Tina Registered User

    May 19, 2006
    Dear Mameeskye and all of you who are at similar stages on this journey,

    my heart really goes out to you. Reading your posts much reminded me of going through these stages with my nan and aunt, and gramps to an extent. I only ever cared from a distance since I'm not in the UK, and every time I came home to visit, the loss of certain abilities struck me. Kicked me in the face, more like.

    I would notice deterioration on the phone when speaking to my aunt, and I would see it first-hand in my nan and aunt when I was with them. Cups of tea that couldn't be made any more, not knowing what coffee spoons were for, not being able to pay at the till in the supermarket, not knowing how to dress and put a coat on.

    And later in the hospital, those things that you describe above...and on each visit, another little bit gone, but a lot of nan or gramps or aunty was still there too... I used to cry most times going from the NH or the hospital, and leaving altogether after visits to the UK broke my heart because I never knew if I would see nan and gramps and my aunt again. I used to try and remember really hard what they looked like on each visit, what they were wearing, the expressions on their faces, the smiles, the flickers of recognition, the returning of pressure when I used to hold their hands.

    And all the time, so hard to grasp that this was happening to them and how cruel it was...they were strong, good, kind people. Independent, knew what they wanted, enjoying life. Happily married for 50 and more years. Loved seeing the children and grandchildren and any friends and relatives who visited or kept in touch. Always active, smart and on the go. On top of things. Only to be struck down by this awful disease.

    Sorry, Mameeskye, I've hijacked your thread a bit here. Just wanted to say really that I feel for you all. But keep going and just keep doing things the same way as you are doing now...be there, hold hands, provide comfort, love and care, be it in your own homes, in hospitals, in nursing homes, it doesn't matter where. It will be noticed, felt and appreciated. But it is so hard on you, I realise that.

    Thinking of you.
    Love, Tina xxx
  15. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    Mameskye and Tina,
    I don't have the words, others here are far more eloquent. Everything you describe is how it is for me. Thank you for such words. Mameskye, the onion simile is wonderful.

    Wishing you acceptance and serenity.

  16. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    Thank you to all for making me feel so not alone and for understanding. For the most part I have a lot of balance about what is happening but then things just set off the grief again.

    This week has been particularly bad because a close friend's Mum had died last week following a massive stroke a week earlier. She had mild/mod dementia which had become apparent over the time my Mother had beed hopsitalised moved to a home. My friend had been a great support to me during this time.

    Today I attended her Mum's funeral and it was just so hard. I had only met her Mum once but the tears just streamed down my face as some of the words were so relevant now to my situation. I felt so guilty for the tears when it was not my Mum that was gone.

    Having said that the service was wonderful, a non-religious service and very very special.

    Tonight my heart goes out to all of those who have lost their loved ones or are in the process of watching them go. The tears are streaming down my face again (dratted PMT! ) Think I must have been saving all this water for a drought! :(


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