emptiness

[lambchop]

HI Greyone,

That is a beautiful picture you paint and I can see instantly how much love you have for your beautiful mum.

I'm glad you are finding some ways to help you cope with her loss along the way and that you find some comfort in them. It's also so good that you are able to help people on the forum and that you take comfort from it.

You ask me about plans for the future but it's way too soon to think about such an abstract idea - it's only been 5 months since dear mum died and my life has been turned completely upside down. The world makes no sense to me - I can't remember a time when I wasn't looking after mum and I can't think about anything else.

I've been doing a lot of things to fill in the time but I feel in shock the majority of the time. And, although I feel a lot of sympathy for the people on this forum who are still battling with caring day in, day out, I wish I was back there, not here.

I just feel so utterly lost......

 

[Greyone]

HI Greyone,

That is a beautiful picture you paint and I can see instantly how much love you have for your beautiful mum.

I'm glad you are finding some ways to help you cope with her loss along the way and that you find some comfort in them. It's also so good that you are able to help people on the forum and that you take comfort from it.

You ask me about plans for the future but it's way too soon to think about such an abstract idea - it's only been 5 months since dear mum died and my life has been turned completely upside down. The world makes no sense to me - I can't remember a time when I wasn't looking after mum and I can't think about anything else.

I've been doing a lot of things to fill in the time but I feel in shock the majority of the time. And, although I feel a lot of sympathy for the people on this forum who are still battling with caring day in, day out, I wish I was back there, not here.

I just feel so utterly lost......

Gosh, you are right not to have plans for the future yet, especially after just 5 months.. I must admit that it actually took me six months before I started grieving and I can tell you after my two years, making plans is hard so. I'm taking it slow. Good luck.

 

[lambchop]

Thanks and it is no surprise to me to read your words about making plans. What do you find particularly hard in relation to making plans and what plans are you trying to make?

Also, did you or anyone experience a lot of anger following their loss? I have been so angry for the last month and just annoyed with everyone and everything (although not showing it). I tell the counsellor and that's it - I just grumble to myself the rest of the time.

 

[lambchop]

I am finding life so difficult without the routine of caring, and particualrly finding interactions with the outside world very difficult.

When I was caring for mum, I would have just 4 hours each week where I socialised and interacted with the outside world, and that suited me, in that it kept social interactions short and potential disagreements with any friends few and far between.

Now, with all this time to myself, and no excuse of having to get back by a certain time to look after mum, I feel so lost. I can't cope with social interactions; I can't cope with all this time to myself, even though I try and fill it in with 'stuff'. Caring was my whole life and my parents were such special people with unconditional love. Now, without that in my life anymore, life just feels so bleak. I don't have any other family and I feel so unconfident and unsure around the other people around me now. I just find it so difficult to trust people - two of my previously long-known friends just disappeared after mum died so now I just get panicky around other people.

 

[Greyone]

I'm making plans for my future. It took me a year but I think I've found a financial advisor I feel comfortable with. I should hear from him before the end of the week. I have been thinking of my pensions and decided it was high time to find out how they are doing.

I'm also trying to make plans for my career. Something meaningful. At the moment I just take an interest in what people tell me without giving away too much and take time to think.

Anger. No. I was very close to my mother and spent all of my free time with her because that was what I genuinely wanted to do. So I saw her grow old slowly and what happened didn't worry me because I came to understand it was natural. When she was no longer able to do everything around the house we just took over those jobs. Then when dementia started and the care at home, I just quietly took it as the next step. Here move to a care home came swiftly and that marked the next stage. That was fine for eight months and then after a fall and an infection mum became confined to bed. She was fine at that stage, although the dementia was getting worse, I never saw it as that because although there were times when she was obviously in the grip, she gave me some lovely sausages once, there were times when she was absolutely fine. But I did not think of it as good or bad, right or wrong, I always thought of what she was going through as natural part of the process so just waited with patience and absolutely no anger.

One Saturday at 4 pm I said goodbye, she said it was ok to give her a hug. Our reminiscence ended when she said "... happy days...", we hugged and said "night night". That was the last time anyone in her family spoke to her because from that night and the following 3 days, she slipped away slowly and silently with my sister by her side. I arrived back on Wednesday afterwards to say my final goodbye. Throughout this time I had no anger or tears. Just a quiet acceptance of what must be. I was grateful for the life she gave us, for the life we all had together and for what she had left me with. More than enough to carry on.

But I have never been angry with her for going, that is not her fault, nor with dementia for what it did to her. Nor for losing her because it was all meant to be. As I said, I was grateful for the life she gave us, for the life we all had together and for what she had left me with. More than enough to carry on and all of that will stay with e a grow for what time I have left.

Last Autumn I came to accept my loss and I am starting to let go. The last thing I have to let go of is her old house. Soon my sister and I will sell up and go our separate ways. With sadness yes and a little regret but no Anger. Only love and gratitude. Someday soon or very soon I may very well make another call to Cruse to talk things through and try to come to terms with my most tearful moments. But for the moment I tolerate the tearful moments, like now as I write this down.

One other thing I will say is that I still make frequent visits to see my mum at the crem. Last Christmas I planned on going on the first Sunday of every month. But recently I am back at every fortnight and sometimes 3 times in one week.

Is your counsellor helping you with how you feel?

 

[lambchop]

Thank you for sharing a very personal and touching tribute to your mum. The love in your family is palpable.

You are fortunate to have close relatives and also fortunate that you have come to accept your mum's passing.

Anger is very common in grief and everyone's grief is different. I am still in shock Of course it's rational to think that dying is not mum's fault but grief is a very emotive, often irrational and very powerful force of nature. I'm angry with life in general. I love mum more than life itself and I'm angry to have lost her. I think it's normal to feel like that.

You said "Anger. No. I was very close to my mother and spent all of my free time with her because that was what I genuinely wanted to do". This is wonderful.

I looked after my mum for nearly 30 years because that was what I wanted to do and I was very lucky to have been able to do so.