• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

emotional blackmail

poster

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
190
From an outsiders point of view it would appear your mum built her own ideal world in her mind, probably as a way of coping with all the hardship that came from 5 children, a mother run ragged from work all hours and no father.

Everything was measured by her perfect ideal world, anything found wanting was disguarded. Your father probably found it easier to take a path of least resistance. Her own family were measured up against her ideal world and rejected. Perhaps she made up her past and seeing her sister meant she couldn't pretend when faced with someone who lived her past.

I agree about the dress but very strange that your mother didn't realise what had happened when she became an adult.
Yes but you do not take your daughters only pretty party dress and sell it no matter how hard up you are. That is cruel. Her mother also did the same thing to a cookery book my mum was given as a present. It would seem that her mother resented her daughter being given nice things... I suppose she felt ashamed that she could not provide such nice things for her daughter so if she could not then nobody else would because it would be embarrassing that her own mother who should be buying her daughter a pretty party dress was too hard up. I suppose she felt that it seemed like charity and she was proud and felt that no daughter of mine would accept charity and if I cannot provide for my own family then we go without.
 

garnuft

Registered User
Sep 7, 2012
6,585
Yes but you do not take your daughters only pretty party dress and sell it no matter how hard up you are. That is cruel. Her mother also did the same thing to a cookery book my mum was given as a present. It would seem that her mother resented her daughter being given nice things... I suppose she felt ashamed that she could not provide such nice things for her daughter so if she could not then nobody else would because it would be embarrassing that her own mother who should be buying her daughter a pretty party dress was too hard up. I suppose she felt that it seemed like charity and she was proud and felt that no daughter of mine would accept charity and if I cannot provide for my own family then we go without.
Well, in fairness, it's all assumptions, you can't know any of these things.

I am the youngest of six and all six of us have different memories of the same events and different opinions of family members.

Memories are subjective...and selective.
 
Last edited:

Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,995
UK
In extreme cases people sold their clothes, used the furniture for firewood and would feel lucky to eat one hot meal a day. Dresses and books would be luxuries that could be put to pay the rent.

There again these may be events that were not as they seemed and her sister might have remembered it differently which resulted in the rift.
 

poster

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
190
In extreme cases people sold their clothes, used the furniture for firewood and would feel lucky to eat one hot meal a day. Dresses and books would be luxuries that could be put to pay the rent.

There again these may be events that were not as they seemed and her sister might have remembered it differently which resulted in the rift.
I guess so. At the end of the day my mothers health is not good. Her physical health is failing and I always said her physical health will get the better of her before her dementia really gets much worse. I have said I will go and visit her next month. She now has to be on oxygen 24/7 otherwise she get too out of breath. She has lung disease brought on by tuberculosis and heavy smoking. I am surprised she has lived this long (she is 92).
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,941
North East England
My mother deserted her own mother and did not care what anyone thought of her and for all her shortcomings, I admire her guts and determination.
I wonder if this was guts and determination? Or was it selfishness?

Sadly, I really hope you mean that you admire the fact that she could be so strong willed rather than ( in my opinion from what you have told us) her being cold blooded.

You are not weak You hold down a full time job, you are clever and strong person. Naturally, I cannot say if your Dad was weak, although I doubt it, I suspect he was simply trying to do his best and keep the peace with a wife who appears to have been very domineering.
You must stop looking at yourself as a victim, likewise your mother may be 92, infirm and living in a care home, but you are still letting her boss you.
Put yourself first, or be downtrodden for as long as your mother wields the power.
 

velocity

Registered User
Feb 18, 2013
175
North Notts
I've found my Mum is not only getting mixed up 'memories' but she is re-writing past events perhaps this is happening with your Mum.
xx
 

poster

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
190
I wonder if this was guts and determination? Or was it selfishness?

Sadly, I really hope you mean that you admire the fact that she could be so strong willed rather than ( in my opinion from what you have told us) her being cold blooded.

You are not weak You hold down a full time job, you are clever and strong person. Naturally, I cannot say if your Dad was weak, although I doubt it, I suspect he was simply trying to do his best and keep the peace with a wife who appears to have been very domineering.
You must stop looking at yourself as a victim, likewise your mother may be 92, infirm and living in a care home, but you are still letting her boss you.
Put yourself first, or be downtrodden for as long as your mother wields the power.
I understand and appreciate what you are saying. My mother is genuinely physically unwell and worse than she was two months ago. I no longer see myself as the victim. I see her as an old woman in quite poor health who may not live much longer, although every time I think she is at deaths door, she surprises me and lives another year. 18 months ago she was in hospital with a chest infection and when she came out, she refused to eat or speak for about 5 days and the care home phoned me and thought she was on her way out so asked me to visit. I was very shocked. She sat in her chair and looked at me and did not say a word and when I spoke she did not answer. She could not even feed herself so I had to take over and feed her. I only went for the day and the very next day I got a phone call from her and she thanked me for going to see her and the care home staff said that she had started to eat again and then a week later she was back to normal. To this day I will never understand what that was all about. Even the doctor told me he did not think she would pull through.
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,591
Yorkshire
There comes a time when the parent/child relationship needs to evolve into an adult/adult one, with both on equal footing. At the ages of 92 and 52, I would suggest, respectfully, that time has come. It is no longer her role in life to tell you what to do.

I'm 61 and my children are in their early thirties and I wouldn't dream of talking to them, the way your mother does to you...and what's more, they wouldn't let me :D We offer advice of course - and it's ignored if unsuitable - but we try and treat each other with courtesy and, I hope, respect.

If you can hold your hand on your heart and say 'I can only afford to visit three times a year' then that is fine. Those are the circumstances you are in and even if she had been the kindest mum in the world, the same financial restraints wouldn't have made more visits possible, would they?
 

poster

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
190
There comes a time when the parent/child relationship needs to evolve into an adult/adult one, with both on equal footing. At the ages of 92 and 52, I would suggest, respectfully, that time has come. It is no longer her role in life to tell you what to do.

I'm 61 and my children are in their early thirties and I wouldn't dream of talking to them, the way your mother does to you...and what's more, they wouldn't let me :D We offer advice of course - and it's ignored if unsuitable - but we try and treat each other with courtesy and, I hope, respect.

If you can hold your hand on your heart and say 'I can only afford to visit three times a year' then that is fine. Those are the circumstances you are in and even if she had been the kindest mum in the world, the same financial restraints wouldn't have made more visits possible, would they?
You are correct. I need to try. However there is the old saying.... respect your elders and no matter what my age is, my mother is my elder and has a lot more experience o life than me because she has lived longer and lived through a war and all that goes with that. My mother and I have had different life experiences.
 
Last edited:

Pickles53

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
2,474
Radcliffe on Trent
You are correct. I need to try. However there is the old saying.... respect your elders and no matter what my age is, my mother is my elder and has a lot more experience o life than me because she has lived longer and lived through a war and all that goes with that. My mother and I have had different life experiences.
I know the old saying but I can't agree with it. Even when my mum was relatively well, there were many situations in which I would not even have asked for her advice, let alone felt obliged to follow it. We had very different views on too many issues.

I think you have to earn respect by your actions, not assume it is yours by right because of your age, status or anything else.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,132
Yorkshire
I agree it is important to respect our elders - and anyone else, same age or younger - and acknowledge their experience - and 'honour thy father and thy mother'
BUT
respect and honour are not blindly obey, never question, never doubt, accept to the exclusion of my own experience, opinion and beliefs
in fact I believe part of growing up and being adult is to question and test out all 'accepted wisdom' - then accept or reject, with all due respect, from a position of knowledge - always being open to a change of mind if appropriate
and not putting someone else down in the process

my mum and dad even asked my advice once in a while - strangely didn't always take it, though?!:D
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,591
Yorkshire
Of course you must treat your mother's views with respect. But just because she's lived longer doesn't mean she's necessarily wiser, especially when dementia is added to the mix.

Your life is important too. Never forget that.
 

poster

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
190
Of course you must treat your mother's views with respect. But just because she's lived longer doesn't mean she's necessarily wiser, especially when dementia is added to the mix.

Your life is important too. Never forget that.
I'm afraid the guilt trip is continuing. I have been off work with a fractured leg. Today I went to the doctor because I wanted to know if it was better and mended and as I suspected, it was. I had an xray last week. However, I have a bit of osteoarthritis in the hip and my GP said it could very well get worse over time. I am now on joint medication. I told my mum and she said my arthritis will not get worse. I then said I cannot tell the future and if the GP said it is going to get worse then I have to believe her because she knows what she is talking about. My mum laughed and said lots of people she knows in the care home have arthritis and they have had it for years and they have not got worse so my GP is talking rubbish. Then she went on to talk about herself and her health and said she is now on oxygen 24/7 and she has bad arthritis in her knees and in her opinion her health is very serious. I then said I will go and see her and pointed out that we agreed that I would go three times a year and if that is what we agreed, that is what I will do. She said I suppose so which meant she did not believe that I will go three times a year. I also suspect that by saying her health is very serious it is her way of blackmailing me into feeling guilty about mentioning my health. If her health was indeed that serious then the care home and the doctor would be speaking to me about it.
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,343
Merseyside
You cannot change the way your mum behaves but you can change the way to behave.
Don't tell her stuff that she can hurt you with.
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,591
Yorkshire
However, I have a bit of osteoarthritis in the hip and my GP said it could very well get worse over time. I am now on joint medication. I told my mum and she said my arthritis will not get worse. I then said I cannot tell the future and if the GP said it is going to get worse then I have to believe her because she knows what she is talking about. My mum laughed and said lots of people she knows in the care home have arthritis and they have had it for years and they have not got worse so my GP is talking rubbish.
She is not necessarily being deliberately nasty towards you. It is the dementia talking and she believes - erroneously in this case - that she is right and, NOTHING will convince her otherwise. There is no point arguing with her or trying to change her point of view. You just have to learn to ignore such nonsense.

My mother in law has mild vascular dementia and is generally still pretty chatty. However, she's been telling the staff some outrageous stuff about my sister in law, which is hurtful and patently untrue, as well as telling them about her awful experiences in the war. She was only twelve when WW2 started but seems to believe she was some sort of secret agent (nudge nudge wink wink) and was buried under rubble in the Bristol bombings.

She was adamant I was in the same class at school as Michael Foot :confused:, which would make me 112 :eek::D

Your mum's brain, like my MIL's, is not functioning properly, and we have to accept that and make allowances. I could have got upset at some of the things MIL has been saying about me and my family these last couple of years, but I have decided to shrug it off and look at the humorous side instead.

You might think that insensitive of me, but by accepting things as they are and not fretting about the past, I don't feel guilty or allow her views to impinge on the way I live my life.
 

poster

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
190
She is not necessarily being deliberately nasty towards you. It is the dementia talking and she believes - erroneously in this case - that she is right and, NOTHING will convince her otherwise. There is no point arguing with her or trying to change her point of view. You just have to learn to ignore such nonsense.

My mother in law has mild vascular dementia and is generally still pretty chatty. However, she's been telling the staff some outrageous stuff about my sister in law, which is hurtful and patently untrue, as well as telling them about her awful experiences in the war. She was only twelve when WW2 started but seems to believe she was some sort of secret agent (nudge nudge wink wink) and was buried under rubble in the Bristol bombings.

She was adamant I was in the same class at school as Michael Foot :confused:, which would make me 112 :eek::D

Your mum's brain, like my MIL's, is not functioning properly, and we have to accept that and make allowances. I could have got upset at some of the things MIL has been saying about me and my family these last couple of years, but I have decided to shrug it off and look at the humorous side instead.

You might think that insensitive of me, but by accepting things as they are and not fretting about the past, I don't feel guilty or allow her views to impinge on the way I live my life.
No you are not insensitive.