Separate names with a comma.
Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by poster, Dec 28, 2015.
Are you in a union? Do the union offer counselling?
Kassy the world we live in needs more people like you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The thing is with life it doesn't offer us much freedom; so many rules and regulations to follow, too many conventions to adhere to. Most of us worry about what others think of us and I feel that you worry more than most. The hair problem/ your Mum's view of you/ the Care Home Staff/ how often you visit. You are being stifled by your own need to have the approval of others. Let it all go. You have been given some good advice on this thread (and your other ones) yet you appear to reject the suggestions and still focus on the things that are making you unhappy.
You have been given a link to counseling but that has been rejected due to the appointments being during the day. Surely you could have a couple of hours off when needed and make the time up. Some work places have Occupational Health departments which offer counseling -it doesn't have to be work related.
Your own mental health is in your hands; take time to make your own decisions but please don't reject advice out of hand because of a long waiting time/inconvenient time or what people will think of you. You do not need permission as to how you live your life.
I thank people here for their help and wanted to say I have found the right sort of place for help online at last. It is a site dedicated to people with elderly parents who are emotionally blackmailing them.
Poster, I'm glad you have a contact for a helpful website and hope that works out for you. If you are inclined, and when you have time, you might keep us updated from time to time, please.
I would encourage you to pursue in-person counselling through the NHS when you feel up to it.
Please be good to yourself and best wishes with everything.
I said I would report back once I had the hair consultation from the new salon. Unfortunately it did not go very well. It was not a very professional salon and I did not like the hairdresser. She was not friendly. She started off by asking why I was seeing her so I explained that my mother had persuaded me to go to a black hairdresser because she felt the white woman could not deal with my hair very well. The hairdresser said to me are you happy with the hairdresser you are going to and I said yes so she said if you are then continue. I said but I have come for you to analyse my hair and tell me how to treat it. I told her the white hairdresser could not tell my hair was mixed and the hairdresser today said well I am not surprised because I am a black hairdresser and I would not be able to tell. She said as far as she was concerned I had straight hair which was far more European than black. She made no attempt to feel my hair to feel the texture. All she kept saying to me was it is up to me what I do about my hair. If I want to keep it long then that was up to me and if I want to cut it short that was also up to me. I then tried to press her into committing herself to saying if she thought a shorter hairstyle would suit me better and she did not say.. She just said it was up to me.
I have to say I preferred the white hairdresser because her approach was far more professional. She ran her fingers through my hair and looked at my hair thoroughly for almost 30 minutes and discussed what she thought. This woman today was reluctant to say or do anything. In the end I walked out of the salon today and the hairdresser did not even smile or say thank you for coming or anything. I will not be going back. Most salons provide tea or coffee. This one did not. Its the little touches that make you like a salon. The courtesy of the staff and so on. I got the impression this hairdresser thought I was bonkers for going and that there was nothing she could do for me.
I informed my mother about the outcome. It made no different to her attitude. She said she does not care what other people think.. she only cares what she thinks. If other people think I look ok my mum doesn't care. She did ask me if I was trying to prove her wrong and in a way I am but I did not say that to her.
So we ended up by her saying she does not want to see me until I sort my hair out and get it cut. And if I don't want to get it cut I wont be able to see her and she is fine about that because she says she does not have a problem and I do and my problem is that I refuse to believe that I look horrible and her last words to me was "I pity you" and I said why and she said because you are in denial. She also said she can clearly see by looking at my hair that it is mixed and not 100% European so what she was trying to say was that if she can tell how can two hairdressers tell me they have no idea.
I think we are finished.
thanks for reading
Thank you for updating us, poster. We all wish you well whatever you decide to do.
There's every chance that you will be able to resolve this situation with your mum in the future, so never say never Just try and keep the channel of communication via the care home open, even if you decide to stop direct contact with your mum.
Happy New Year when it comes.
Thanks. I very much doubt that it will be resolved. As for keeping contact via the care home. My mum has told me not to contact the care home and I have said I won't. I am sure if anything happens to her they will let me know. As they say, no news is good news. I am actually frightened of my mum.
I contacted MIND. They do counseling. I am waiting for an appointment though.
Being in a similar position, I discovered earlier this year that I am suffering from neglected child syndrome, never having been given any praise or validation, put down, etc. The therapy for this is to praise yourself for every little thing you do, good decisions made, jobs completed, I think it's working. It's worth a try.
Hello. I do not think this neglected child syndrome applies to me. I was not a neglected child. I am on a wonderful therapy site and that is helping me tremendously. My issues do not stem from childhood, they stem from now and I think my mothers dementia has a lot to do with it. There is simply no other explanation for her behaviour and I am learning how to deal with things from that point of view.
Good luck with your counselling.
if you grill your mother the way you grilled the hairdresser I wonder if her telling you to cut your hair is her way of trying to stop you constantly talking about it !!
I'm really pleased you have found somewhere that is meeting your needs, poster
what on earth do you mean? Your statement makes no sense at all.
Just ignore it, poster. Some people have an odd sense of humour. I didn't think it was funny either.
Anyway, what are your plans for New Year? I expect I'm going to be tucked up in bed before the clock strikes 12 tonight.
All my Christmas decorations are packed away already which means I can approach the New Year with a fresh and uncluttered start. And there are snowdrops out in the garden already....I find that always lifts my spirits.
I was not joking at all....simply offering another view....all falling on deaf ears but we remain ever hopeful that Poster will accept some counselling and find some calmness in life.
I agree,I'm no psychologist but Poster's hair seems to have assumed an importance that is out of all proportion.It's obviously about much more than this and maybe professional counselling is the way forward to resolve the issues
It's no coincidence that my Alz Society logon I.D. is hair related. My mum too has a "thing" about my hair and my appearance in general. It's also true that before AZ struck, she was obsessed with me having my hair style the way she wanted it - when I was a kid this was okay, as I've got older it's akin to bullying. I have over the years had lots of different cuts and styles - all my choice, ALL of which she hated - hey ho, I can (sort of) shrug it off now but yes I do understand the hurt these jibes do cause.
My hair is now short and grey - it was grey before it became fashionable and I'm jolly pleased with it.
Mum has given up berating me for my hair choices - now it's all focus on the dog - who (you've guessed it) has some long fluffy locks - which in mum's opinion need cutting off. Bless him - it's water off the ducks back to the dog and I just say "Ah well it's the breed" and yes I do leave the room sometimes if the ranting does get too much.
MY advice to poster - you decide how you want your hair, a style is not carved in stone, you can change it, colour it, perm it - could you try to "have a bit of fun with your hair?" for you, no one else . And stock up on some platitudes which may or may work with your mum and don't be afraid to cut phone calls short if it gets too much.
Dear Poster, it's clear you are terribly unhappy and I'm so sorry. I think Dementia could be described as a long bereavement; you're losing the mother you knew, and in some ways a stranger is taking her place.
Dementia takes over a person, and sometimes they can become dreadfully abusive and unkind, even to their family members. It's not their fault, but that doesn't make the hurt they inflict any less painful.
My father used to break my heart with some of the unkind things he said to me, and after he died the doctor wrote Dementia on his death certificate. I wished I'd known, then at least I'd have understood. Now my husband has been diagnosed with Dementia, and now I understand that when he says angry and unkind things it's not him saying them. It's Dementia that's changed him.I cope by telling myself he's no longer the person I knew; in some ways a stranger has taken over his body.
It's so hard to ignore the nastiness, but ignoring that and not reacting seems the best way...sometimes I get glimpses of the nice person he was.
Can you tell yourself that your hair has nothing to do with your mother now? It's yours, to do with as you wish!
I'm probably over thinking this but with my mum I know that the me she had locked in her mind was not the me she saw in front of her; 20 years does that!
I think your mum is trying to make today's you look like 'her' you so that her world will make sense again.
Unfortunately when she sorts out her problem with old/new you she will start fixating on the next thing.
You just have to ignore it all and move on.
Hi poster. I have been thinking the same as Onlyme. It's dementia logic: "You don't look as young as you did when your hair was shorter. Seeing you look 'wrong' upsets me. Come back when you look like what my memory tells me you should look like."
My mum was a bit like this even before dementia, when I would only see her 2 or 3 times a year. When you see somebody infrequently you really notice the changes in their appearance because you tend to have a more fixed mental image of what they look like. My mum wanted me to wear make up, lose weight and wear a different style of clothes, so that I would conform more closely to her mental image of me that was fixed around the age of 25.
She would say things like "You're looking so tired and ill. Are you taking vitamins?" What she really meant was that she didn't like to see me getting older. If she got really worked up about my appearance I would say "This is who I am, you love me as your daughter. What I look like shouldn't matter." To which the response was "But I'm your mother and you should want to please me."
See, you CAN NOT win!