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emotional abuse

poster

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
190
Can a person with dementia be held accountable for hurling emotional abuse at another person?

This is happening to me and I am usually a strong person but it is beginning to affect me emotionally because it is happening quite often.
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,960
Brixham Devon
I'm not sure how a person can be held accountable:confused: If the part of the brain that normally makes a person restrained in their criticism/outbursts is damaged then, of course, the PWD can't help what they say. It's just one of those things (along with many others) that shouldn't be taken personally.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,091
Kent
A person with dementia cannot be held accountable for emotional abuse but there is nothing to stop anyone walking away and refusing to accept it.
 

meme

Registered User
Aug 29, 2011
1,953
London
Clearly the answer is no...,I thought you had decided to not visit your mother or if you did only every 3 months? and phone calls can be controlled by you surely?? put the phone down or change conversation subject etc etc...However I wonder what you mean by held accountable?? what would you want or expect to happen to your mother if she were able to be held accountable?
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,591
Yorkshire
No, she can't be held accountable; it's just a symptom of her illness, and not a particularly unusual one, which is probably why the care home came across as unconcerned.

But you need to take a break from the stress her calls are inflicting on you, poster.

You can't stop her phoning you, but you are not under any obligation to pick up or return her calls. The CH will inform you if there's any genuine problem.
 

poster

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
190
No, she can't be held accountable; it's just a symptom of her illness, and not a particularly unusual one, which is probably why the care home came across as unconcerned.

But you need to take a break from the stress her calls are inflicting on you, poster.

You can't stop her phoning you, but you are not under any obligation to pick up or return her calls. The CH will inform you if there's any genuine problem.
ok thanks. Does anyone know or have heard of a book called Ugly? It is about a black woman who constantly told her child she was ugly. She left home and ceased contact with her mum who told her she was ugly but because she was told so often she ended up believing it and even when her mother died, she still thought she was ugly and had plastic surgery. This is a true story.

What I am trying to say is that even if we have a break, the damage may already have been done and you end up being brainwashed.
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,293
Merseyside
ok thanks. Does anyone know or have heard of a book called Ugly? It is about a black woman who constantly told her child she was ugly. She left home and ceased contact with her mum who told her she was ugly but because she was told so often she ended up believing it and even when her mother died, she still thought she was ugly and had plastic surgery. This is a true story.

What I am trying to say is that even if we have a break, the damage may already have been done and you end up being brainwashed.
I really think you need to get some counselling. You need to be able to talk this through properly & address all the issues.

http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/abuse.html
 

Moorcroft

Registered User
Nov 4, 2015
70
ok thanks. Does anyone know or have heard of a book called Ugly? It is about a black woman who constantly told her child she was ugly. She left home and ceased contact with her mum who told her she was ugly but because she was told so often she ended up believing it and even when her mother died, she still thought she was ugly and had plastic surgery. This is a true story.

What I am trying to say is that even if we have a break, the damage may already have been done and you end up being brainwashed.
Just as a point of information, the memoir Ugly is by Constance Briscoe, who has since then served a prison sentence for perverting the course of justice.
 

poster

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
190
Counselling is too expensive. I will have to leave it. I don't know where to go or who to turn to anymore. My mother has won. She has worn me into the ground. I am an emotional mess. I will have to cut all contact with her for my own sanity. She is no good for me whatsoever.

thanks and bye
 

Emac

Registered User
Mar 2, 2013
186
Yes I will get some counselling thanks
Hi poster I have read a few of your posts about your Mum. You obviously have had (and still have) a difficult relationship with her and the issues you bring up are about your Mum's personality more than about dementia. The advice to get counselling (usually your GP can help) is good advice- it certainly helped me with similar problems. Hope it helps you find some peace of mind.
 

Frederic H

Registered User
Apr 1, 2015
75
Devon
Emotional abuse

Can a person with dementia be held accountable for hurling emotional abuse at another person?

This is happening to me and I am usually a strong person but it is beginning to affect me emotionally because it is happening quite often.
Sorry to hear that poster.2 nights ago we were watching east enders MBH said that a woman was wearing a saints rugby club scarf .I said she was not.
The tv controller came my way at speed.She said she hated me I always put her down etcetc.we went tobed with out saying another word.As I suspected next morning she had forgotten all about it so I said nothing.
In the hotel we were staying in MBH said that a coloured man nearby was Ainsly Harriet the cook .(I think I spelt it wrong)
Could be I said and had a peaceful day.You never stop learning and trying to remember that the person hurling abuse is not hurling it at you but I think at the condition
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,293
Merseyside
Counselling is too expensive. I will have to leave it. I don't know where to go or who to turn to anymore. My mother has won. She has worn me into the ground. I am an emotional mess. I will have to cut all contact with her for my own sanity. She is no good for me whatsoever.

thanks and bye
Go to your GP & ask to be referred for some counselling. You may have to wait a little while for it though.
 

poster

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
190
I don't hold out much hope for NHS counselling because of the waiting list and the fact that when I asked for NHS counselling when my dad died, all I was offered were sessions during the day and I work.

I think the only way is to cut contact and surround myself with people who treat me with respect.

My mothers only last remaining sibling (her sister) cut contact 6 years ago as she claimed she had had enough. Just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you have to remain in contact if it is bad to do so.
 
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Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,949
London
How is counselling with a long waiting list a worse option than no counselling at all? Put your name down now and then try to get appointments in your lunch break or when you're off work. It's worth a try.