1. poster

    poster Registered User

    Dec 28, 2011
    190
    Can a person with dementia be held accountable for hurling emotional abuse at another person?

    This is happening to me and I am usually a strong person but it is beginning to affect me emotionally because it is happening quite often.
     
  2. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    I'm not sure how a person can be held accountable:confused: If the part of the brain that normally makes a person restrained in their criticism/outbursts is damaged then, of course, the PWD can't help what they say. It's just one of those things (along with many others) that shouldn't be taken personally.
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,098
    Kent
    A person with dementia cannot be held accountable for emotional abuse but there is nothing to stop anyone walking away and refusing to accept it.
     
  4. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,624
    Female
    London
  5. cobden28

    cobden28 Registered User

    Jan 31, 2012
    442
    Was the person emotionally abusive before the diagnosis of dementia :confused:?
     
  6. meme

    meme Registered User

    Aug 29, 2011
    1,955
    Female
    London
    Clearly the answer is no...,I thought you had decided to not visit your mother or if you did only every 3 months? and phone calls can be controlled by you surely?? put the phone down or change conversation subject etc etc...However I wonder what you mean by held accountable?? what would you want or expect to happen to your mother if she were able to be held accountable?
     
  7. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,593
    Yorkshire
    No, she can't be held accountable; it's just a symptom of her illness, and not a particularly unusual one, which is probably why the care home came across as unconcerned.

    But you need to take a break from the stress her calls are inflicting on you, poster.

    You can't stop her phoning you, but you are not under any obligation to pick up or return her calls. The CH will inform you if there's any genuine problem.
     
  8. poster

    poster Registered User

    Dec 28, 2011
    190
    ok thanks. Does anyone know or have heard of a book called Ugly? It is about a black woman who constantly told her child she was ugly. She left home and ceased contact with her mum who told her she was ugly but because she was told so often she ended up believing it and even when her mother died, she still thought she was ugly and had plastic surgery. This is a true story.

    What I am trying to say is that even if we have a break, the damage may already have been done and you end up being brainwashed.
     
  9. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,039
    Merseyside
    I really think you need to get some counselling. You need to be able to talk this through properly & address all the issues.

    http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/abuse.html
     
  10. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    I don't think this is the right place for this discussion.
     
  11. Moorcroft

    Moorcroft Registered User

    Nov 4, 2015
    70
    Just as a point of information, the memoir Ugly is by Constance Briscoe, who has since then served a prison sentence for perverting the course of justice.
     
  12. poster

    poster Registered User

    Dec 28, 2011
    190
    ok I wont discuss this anymore
     
  13. poster

    poster Registered User

    Dec 28, 2011
    190
  14. poster

    poster Registered User

    Dec 28, 2011
    190
    Counselling is too expensive. I will have to leave it. I don't know where to go or who to turn to anymore. My mother has won. She has worn me into the ground. I am an emotional mess. I will have to cut all contact with her for my own sanity. She is no good for me whatsoever.

    thanks and bye
     
  15. Emac

    Emac Registered User

    Mar 2, 2013
    172
    Hi poster I have read a few of your posts about your Mum. You obviously have had (and still have) a difficult relationship with her and the issues you bring up are about your Mum's personality more than about dementia. The advice to get counselling (usually your GP can help) is good advice- it certainly helped me with similar problems. Hope it helps you find some peace of mind.
     
  16. Frederic H

    Frederic H Registered User

    Apr 1, 2015
    75
    Devon
    Emotional abuse

    Sorry to hear that poster.2 nights ago we were watching east enders MBH said that a woman was wearing a saints rugby club scarf .I said she was not.
    The tv controller came my way at speed.She said she hated me I always put her down etcetc.we went tobed with out saying another word.As I suspected next morning she had forgotten all about it so I said nothing.
    In the hotel we were staying in MBH said that a coloured man nearby was Ainsly Harriet the cook .(I think I spelt it wrong)
    Could be I said and had a peaceful day.You never stop learning and trying to remember that the person hurling abuse is not hurling it at you but I think at the condition
     
  17. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,039
    Merseyside
    Go to your GP & ask to be referred for some counselling. You may have to wait a little while for it though.
     
  18. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    Counselling is free through the NHS - GP referral - so cost isn't an issue
     
  19. poster

    poster Registered User

    Dec 28, 2011
    190
    #19 poster, Dec 28, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2015
    I don't hold out much hope for NHS counselling because of the waiting list and the fact that when I asked for NHS counselling when my dad died, all I was offered were sessions during the day and I work.

    I think the only way is to cut contact and surround myself with people who treat me with respect.

    My mothers only last remaining sibling (her sister) cut contact 6 years ago as she claimed she had had enough. Just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you have to remain in contact if it is bad to do so.
     
  20. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,624
    Female
    London
    How is counselling with a long waiting list a worse option than no counselling at all? Put your name down now and then try to get appointments in your lunch break or when you're off work. It's worth a try.
     

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