• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Emotional abuse of a vunerable adult? yes or no?

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,941
North East England
I feel that this is not a legal matter at all, but an emotional matter..... and sadly as we all know, there are no winners in an emotional arguement, all are losers.

If you persist in demanding to see your brother, you run the risk of adding to his stress levels to the extent that he sees no one because he is too ill.
I suggest you ask your husband to contact his SIL and ask if he may visit alone. It may be that he can succeed where you are failing. I know that I can be stubborn and if I hear the voice of someone who annoys me, I get angry before I've even spoken to them.
I do understand where you are coming from, but at the moment, the important one is your Brother, and your feelings must come second.
I really do hope that you get your Sunday mornings back soon. My sister died 20 years ago....I still miss our times together.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,164
Victoria, Australia
Craigmaid is quite right in that your brother's health should be the focus of all your efforts.

I make note of 2 things. You make a great deal of how controlling your SIL is but make no mention of how well or how poorly she will be able to care for brother and that surely would be the issue of vulnerability of your brother.

The other thing that struck me was that in defending yourself you immediately brought up the issue of money and something of great contention that occurred between you and SIL.

And how often do we hear on TP of the many conflicts and feuds that occur in families over the matter of money? Many of you will be nodding in agreement and resignation that here we go again.

You need to build a few bridges and find a way to make some sort of peace with your SIL or you will lose your brother. Certainly what you have been doing isn't working for
you and a little tact and a slice of humble pie on your part may go some way to mending bridges.

If you have been very vocal about her STEALING money, then she could well feel very uncomfortable in your presence and might feel a need to protect herself and your brother from you.

Make peace for your brother's sake. You might find it more rewarding than how you are going at the moment.
 

sleepless

Registered User
Feb 19, 2010
3,223
The Sweet North
Who wasn't wanted?

If I want to see him, and he wants to see me, should she really not put up and shut up, for half an hour a week?
I can see your point, Jessbow, but when you arranged to see your brother in hospital outside normal visiting hours with the help of the staff member, why then did you let your SIL see you there?
You could have had the visit, reassured yourself that your brother was OK, left before visiting time and she would have been none the wiser surely? Letting her see you was asking for trouble under the circumstances.
Your brother doesn't need this stress when he is recovering. You have seen him, so I would take previous advice and keep contact with him by letter or a message by word of mouth via another family member, just to let him know you are thinking of him.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,092
West Hertfordshire
I can see your point, Jessbow, but when you arranged to see your brother in hospital outside normal visiting hours with the help of the staff member, why then did you let your SIL see you there?
You could have had the visit, reassured yourself that your brother was OK, left before visiting time and she would have been none the wiser surely? Letting her see you was asking for trouble under the circumstances.
Your brother doesn't need this stress when he is recovering. You have seen him, so I would take previous advice and keep contact with him by letter or a message by word of mouth via another family member, just to let him know you are thinking of him.

She didn't. we left at 12, she pitched up at 2pm, he mentioned we'd been, and apparently all hell broke loose. - that fair on him? no.

Should he have to keep his desire to see his sister a secret for fear of his wfe's reaction? no

If your sister in law helped herself to a large sum of your fathers money, how do you start building a bridge when you hate the fact that she did is, and shows no remorse? I only ever saw my old dad cry once- and it was over this. I have never EVER even mentioned it to her, it was between her and my father. (and the reason it all at a head again now, is I have recently executed my fathers will)


WE have only visited ONCE, just the once, with his blessing and the ward staffs. 4 weeks go. Phoned twice since. hardly OTT.

Ask friends that w know visit? we are greeted with ''T (Wife) says not to tell you anything''
Ring her? She justs pits the phone down, or doesn't answer it at all.
Emailled- no response and am told that ''sending nasty emails ' wont help - haven't done that either.

Do yu know what? I feel like a criminal!
 
Last edited:

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,092
West Hertfordshire
I am calm, just very sad. There are no other family members. Lost dad 3 year ago, mum 12 months ago and my only other brother 5 years ago.

He is all I have!
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,522
North East England
Jess, I'm so sorry you're going through this; I'm sorry that your only relative has had a stroke at such a young age (at any age), the poor man.

I wish I could think of something to help but admit to feeling stumped.

All I can do is offer my sympathy and keep my fingers crossed that somehow this situation will gradually improve, although how this will happen, I have no idea.

The only thing I can think of is to phone him often enough to let him know you're there whenever he wants you, but not so often that it seems as though you're pressurising him, in the hope that eventually he'll want to resume your obviously previously good relationship. Which it seems you're already doing.

Sending you my best wishes and support xx
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,092
West Hertfordshire
The nurse takes him the phone, tells him its his sister ......and he declines the call, no idea why unless he is scared of repercussions from the wife, again.


I will write just one more time, tell him I love him and will not make life any more difficult for him than it needs be. He knows where to get hold of me if he wants me.
 

sleepless

Registered User
Feb 19, 2010
3,223
The Sweet North
The nurse takes him the phone, tells him its his sister ......and he declines the call, no idea why unless he is scared of repercussions from the wife, again.


I will write just one more time, tell him I love him and will not make life any more difficult for him than it needs be. He knows where to get hold of me if he wants me.
I'm sure that's the best thing to do, Jessbow.
 

sue38

Registered User
Mar 6, 2007
10,849
52
Wigan, Lancs
I don't know how long your brother and SIL have been married, or whether she's always been controlling, but I think it's unlikely he's going to stand up to her now particularly when he's ill and needs her to care for him.

I understand how upsetting this is for you, but I think you can only do as you suggest- tell him you love him and are there for him when he needs you. If you can do this through one of the cousins you mention (do they visit?) so much the better - SIL is likely to twist your words if she sees/hears them.
 

notsogooddtr

Registered User
Jul 2, 2011
943
These situations can become entrenched and I really don't know how you can change it.My brother in law has refused our family contact with my two nieces since my sister died,we used to see the girls all the time,took them out and away brittle breaks.They were aged 5 and 10 when their mum died.In the 21 months since they have never seen my Dad or me and my family,he has taken them to see my Mum at most half a dozen times and has seen my brother and his children twice.My brother also has 2 children and the 4 kids were so close.This situation has broken our hearts but there is nothing we can do about it,he is their father.We just have to wait and hope that he will eventually come round but I doubt it.His mother behaved in exactly the same way when his father died.Like you I believed there must be some way to make him behave differently but there isn't,as their father he has the legal right to make these decisions.At least your brother is adult and might decide for himself that he wants to see you.
 

Poppyfields

Registered User
Sep 12, 2013
69
The religion issue bothers me - if he really wasn't a "believer" before his stroke, I find the message on FB from her to be a little odd.

If there is a third party/mutual friend that could informally visit him to ascertain whether he is under any duress not to contact you, then I think that's the initial path to take

Best of Luck