Elderly Neighbor with possible dementia. - advice on what to do next?

[alexramone]

I live next door to my 90 year old neighbor for whom I have known for the last 25 years and are concerned for her welfare.

We live in a semi-detactched house and she lives on her own and has no careers except with an emergency button device in her house and around her neck.

Over the last 18 months she has been complaining about ‘noises’ coming from our house, especially in the early hours of the morning and on and off during the day. She has described these noises as being ‘loud muffled voices’ and a ‘buzzing noise’, and is so loud she puts cotton wool in her ears and it has kept her awake.

We can say for certain that there is no noises of that sort coming from our house.

However over the last 8 months she has become very confrontational and her personality has drastically changed from what we’ve know both her and her late husbands to be like.

It started about 3 years ago now with unprovoked verbal comments about things that happened in the past between my parents, but took no noitce of them.

But lately it has been her making angry acccusations that I have been making a noise at 5am in the morning, for which she describes as a ‘party next door’ and a ‘loud TV on next door bedroom’, no TV in the next door bedroom and definitely no party!

Despite our explainations and denials that we aren’t making any noise she continues with the same allegations unabated.


We have on multiple occasions been round to see her to talk about this and it’s like going round in circles, I.e. doesn’t no longer believe a word I or my mum say.

We have been in touch with her cousin and wife but they defend her and saying it’s us making the noise when we can catagoically say it’s not.

The opposite neighbor to her has also threatened me verbally and threatened me with court action.


Its come to the point we’re its effecting me and my mums life and adding stress everytime we are in the garden to if she comes out and starts with the ‘noise’ accusations again. To the point where mums gone to the caravan to be away from it all. I am 25 and never had to deal with anything like this before and am unsure what to do about it.

I am writing on here to ask for some advice on what to do next? Should I contact Social Services for their help? and should I contact the local police?

How should I approach someone with suspected dementia and is behaving in an increasingly difficult manor?

Should I video record her behaviour and the threatening next door neighbour just in case her relatives do go through with court action?

Thanks

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @alexramone, you are welcome here.

The accusations are common in dementia but it's strange that her family and opposite neighbour are agreeing with her.

I think that the only thing you can do in these circumstances is contact Social Services and advise them that your elderly neighbour is a vulnerable adult who may need a care needs assessment.

Assessment for care and support in England (418)
PDF printable version

 

[canary]

It might be a good plan to pre-empt any police involvement by contacting them yourself first to explain the problems.

Friends and family often dont like to admit there are problems and people with dementia are often very good at hiding their symptoms.
A delusion that the next door neighbour (or in mums case - her cleaner) is doing bad things is actually a quite common noticeable first symptom. I sided with mum over the cleaner, but soon other people were being accused (including myself) and eventually no-one thought she didnt have a problem.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @alexramone - so sorry you are on the end of this, and that your neighbour's family and other neighbours think you are the ones at fault. My mother also accuses her neighbours of all sorts, coming in and moving her stuff, taking her clothes and then returning them, the list is endless. Unlike your neighbour's family we know that all these things are my mother's way of trying to make sense of her losing things and not remembering where she put them. At times my mother can get very aggressive, screaming outside their door in a bath towel as she thought they were controlling her bathroom heater was one incident, but there have been others. The neighbours have installed a video door bell and they send my brother footage when things are bad.
I would contact social services and say you are concerned about a vulnerable adult to whom they have a duty of care, and in the meantime just be pleasant when you see the neighbour and ignore her comments. No amount of trying to explain to my mother that the neighbours don't do these things makes her change her mind. Instead she just tells me I'm naïve and at her worst sometimes thinks I'm in cahoots with them

 

[TheBearsMummy]

It may be that she is presenting reasonably to the other neighbours and so they don't realise that she has problems and so are believing her.
What you are experiencing may be the result of her confabulations these are made up stories that are very real to the person with dementia. There are a lot of threads on here about these, we have had all sorts of weird and wonderful stories told to us so we're not always sure how much is true and how much has been invented by a confused brain to fit the facts that are real.
Age concern may be able to help you but I do agree that you should contact social services and tell them you have concerns that she is now a vulnerable adult and you feel she needs their help

 

[MrCanuck]

This is a bit similar to the situation with my mother's neighbour, a woman who had always been an odd duck before, so it didn't come across as the beginning of dementia. She began to confront my parents, saying they were moving the property line so as to take her land. The land in question was a small strip about 3' wide that ran between the two driveways of which 2' was on our side and the other foot on her side of the property line.

If any one of us came near it she'd either be out yelling (as when I was cutting the grass) or call up her son who would come over and state "What's going on here?" to us as if we had done something wrong. There was no possible way to avoid conflict, no possible reasoning.

Things kept getting worse and finally my parent's had a surveyor come in and they put up a fence along the line (mostly just to stick it to the old crow I think). After that we all simply ignored her as best we could and if she knocked on the door we'd just close it.

We never suspected dementia with her because she'd always been like this but her husband kept her in line but after he died, look out!! I feel a bit bad, knowing now, that she had dementia.

What I can say is that trying to explain anything to your neighbour will be quite useless if they have dementia and in fact will only aggravate things more. All I can think of is to say "I'm sorry" and then turn and walk away. Some family refuse to believe there are problems or don't want to admit it because then they will have to do something. Sooner or later a crisis is occur and force their hand.

If you are not making any noise then let her call the police and you can discuss things rationally with them

 

[alexramone]

It might be a good plan to pre-empt any police involvement by contacting them yourself first to explain the problems.

Friends and family often dont like to admit there are problems and people with dementia are often very good at hiding their symptoms.
A delusion that the next door neighbour (or in mums case - her cleaner) is doing bad things is actually a quite common noticeable first symptom. I sided with mum over the cleaner, but soon other people were being accused (including myself) and eventually no-one thought she didnt have a problem.

Hi
Thanks very much for that, yes this is very similar to what’s going on at the minute, and is getting gradually worse, but at least I’ve got some more information and who to contact should it escalate further.

 

[jugglingmum]

Hi
Thanks very much for that, yes this is very similar to what’s going on at the minute, and is getting gradually worse, but at least I’ve got some more information and who to contact should it escalate further.

I think it wouldn't do any harm to contact the local police now, they are normally dementia aware, and then it is on record as an issue. Better to contact them first than the other way round. Also Social services.

 

[Andresfedu]

Hello Alex Ramone, it is 2023 and I am reading your blog entry, I am going through a similar situation, I wanted to ask you, how did your story ended?

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello Alex Ramone, it is 2023 and I am reading your blog entry, I am going through a similar situation, I wanted to ask you, how did your story ended?

Hello @Andresfedu and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum, this is quite an old thread and you might not receive an answer to your query. You might find it useful to tell us a bit more about your situation in the - say hello and introduce yourself - area of the forum. I have attached a link below.

Say Hello and Introduce Yourself

This forum is a place for new members to introduce themselves and say hello to the rest of the community.

forum.alzheimers.org.uk