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Elderly mum with Alzheimer`s tells her home carer to leave-I don`t know what to do so any advice would be really appreciated.

Jen1334

New member
Jul 29, 2020
3
Hi,
I am new to this site and am really struggling-my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer`s in February although she`s been getting more confused and her memory`s got worse over the last 4 years.

On the advice of the doctor that diagnosed mum I arranged home carers to visit twice a day morning and teatime just for an hour to help mum with bathing,walking,cooking her tea which she will not allow them to do at all,as she is now refusing all food apart from cakes and biscuits and she is losing weight,and other little daily needs...she had temporary carers through the Covid 19 lockdown and that was a bumpy ride-some days good some awful-today her new permanent carers started and they rang me to say that it didn`t go well as mum had said she didn`t want any help and told them to leave.

I am at my wits end as mum is terrified of going into a home,and I got her home carers to avoid that as she really cannot cope on her own,plus she has recently started throwing food away and I am worried she is going to become more ill-she is also very depressed.lonely,afraid,angry a lot and I thought carers popping in and having a chat would be great for mum,but she doesn`t want any of it.

Can anyone advise as I am worried sick about mum and my whole life is starting to fall apart as this is taking over everything else.I really love mum and I don`t want her to be so unhappy but she changes her mind about everything and forgets everything within an hour-I am exhausted and at a loss what to do.
Thankyou,Jen.
 

Sarah1208

Registered User
Jun 22, 2020
94
Hi, I feel for you....I have been through the same. It seems like whatever you do just isn’t enough. My advice would be persevere with the home carers. If your mum will process it explain to her that the carers are coming so that she can stay in her own home. However many times it takes try to make her realise. It worked with my mum for a while and probably bought us 18 months before a care home was the only option. The longer she can stay at home the better but only whilst it is safe. My mum is now in a care home and some days she only eats cakes and biscuits and some days she eats 3 square meals there is just no pattern. My advice is take one day at a time, don’t look for a pattern as you won’t find one and take every single bit of help you can get/afford. The reality is sadly that things won’t ever be perfect, I spent far too long trying to turn the clock back for mum and nearly ended up poorly myself. It’s so hard to accept but it becomes a tiny bit easier as soon as you do. Keep posting on here you will find it really helps.
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
578
You really do need to persist with the carers, they should be used to being unwelcomed. Tell them just to sit and chat at first so that your mum gets to know them. Forget bathing for a while, they could just have a cup of tea and maybe some toast while chatting without being too business like. It took my mum a few visits for her to relax and accept the help but even then it had to be on her terms, no bossing or moving things around and she liked the carers to sit with her while she ate, one of them brought her own lunch to eat at the same time.

Good luck!
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,961
Kent
Really good advice from @Lynmax

To have a stranger come into the home and not behave as a visitor, could seem as intrusive as anyone can be @Jen1334 , especially when their purpose cannot be introduced to a person with dementia who is likely to be confused.

I employed a cleaner for my mother. The cleaner`s part time job was in a care home and she wanted some extra work. My mother had always employed domestic cleaners, so I thought it would be fine. There would be someone to clean the house while at the same time be familiar with the behaviours of people with dementia.

It was a disaster.

From my mother`s point of view this stranger was making herself at home and taking over.

Visiting for a chat and to offer companionship seems the right way to go.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,855
Nottinghamshire
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Jen1334

As has been suggested I introduced my dad’s first carer as a friend. I went with her and we just had a chat and a cuppa and then asked dad if there was anything he’d like any help with as my “friend” was looking for work. Why don’t you phone agency and see if something like this could be arranged for the first visit.

As @Lynmax has suggested I think making friends first is the way to go. It worked for my dad Although at first the carer had to drink tea and help with jigsaw puzzles until dad gradually accepted her help. It made it easier to introduce more care as dad needed it as he became used to visits from people who weren’t me..
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,775
South East
The advice you have received is spot on . I introduced a carer as my friend too, we sat and chatted and then I popped out to make a cuppa ,then left them for longer and longer , I told them beforehand the plan so they was in on it . Could you be there the first couple of times then pop out for longer each time . Dress it up as your mum is helping them out , however you think she will be more accepting .
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,715
66
Toronto, Canada
When my mother was refusing care in the nursing home, I told her the girls would get in trouble as they were in training and she would be helping them by going along with things. Sometimes that worked.
 

Andrea57

Registered User
Feb 15, 2020
63
Chesterfield
Hi,
I am new to this site and am really struggling-my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer`s in February although she`s been getting more confused and her memory`s got worse over the last 4 years.

On the advice of the doctor that diagnosed mum I arranged home carers to visit twice a day morning and teatime just for an hour to help mum with bathing,walking,cooking her tea which she will not allow them to do at all,as she is now refusing all food apart from cakes and biscuits and she is losing weight,and other little daily needs...she had temporary carers through the Covid 19 lockdown and that was a bumpy ride-some days good some awful-today her new permanent carers started and they rang me to say that it didn`t go well as mum had said she didn`t want any help and told them to leave.

I am at my wits end as mum is terrified of going into a home,and I got her home carers to avoid that as she really cannot cope on her own,plus she has recently started throwing food away and I am worried she is going to become more ill-she is also very depressed.lonely,afraid,angry a lot and I thought carers popping in and having a chat would be great for mum,but she doesn`t want any of it.

Can anyone advise as I am worried sick about mum and my whole life is starting to fall apart as this is taking over everything else.I really love mum and I don`t want her to be so unhappy but she changes her mind about everything and forgets everything within an hour-I am exhausted and at a loss what to do.
Thankyou,Jen.
My mum told her carer that she didn't want them to come anymore , they had only been coming for 3weeks through the reenablement from social services they rang after looking at the notes and realised they needed to speak to me. I told mum that they had to keep coming till the end of the contract , will have to see what happens when she has to start paying for care cause I can't do the personal care. We are going to need afternoon calls when I am back at work.
 

Jen1334

New member
Jul 29, 2020
3
My mum told her carer that she didn't want them to come anymore , they had only been coming for 3weeks through the reenablement from social services they rang after looking at the notes and realised they needed to speak to me. I told mum that they had to keep coming till the end of the contract , will have to see what happens when she has to start paying for care cause I can't do the personal care. We are going to need afternoon calls when I am back at work.
Its a nightmare isnt it? Mums carers are really lovely and trying to do stuff with mum even taking her to hairdressers but my mum is just so depressed whatever any of us do it doesnt help. I feel for you as I had the reablement team in for mum first and that was up and down and now same with her new permanent carers.Talk on here anytime as I think we are in the same awful situation.x
 

Andrea57

Registered User
Feb 15, 2020
63
Chesterfield
Its a nightmare isnt it? Mums carers are really lovely and trying to do stuff with mum even taking her to hairdressers but my mum is just so depressed whatever any of us do it doesnt help. I feel for you as I had the reablement team in for mum first and that was up and down and now same with her new permanent carers.Talk on here anytime as I think we are in the same awful situation.x
Hi it is when different faces keep coming mum really took to one carer called Emma but she doesn't come very often now a change in shift to a different area . I really want to get things sorted to get a permanent routine in place , waiting on social worker appointment , I just feel like going ahead and doing myself but don't know if I have to wait for social worker after all it's our lives we talking about. It seems like one thing always had a knock on effect for everything else and I don't know if she can be left much longer so I have to talk to my boss as well.
 

Bill11651

New member
Jun 29, 2020
7
Hi,
I am new to this site and am really struggling-my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer`s in February although she`s been getting more confused and her memory`s got worse over the last 4 years.

On the advice of the doctor that diagnosed mum I arranged home carers to visit twice a day morning and teatime just for an hour to help mum with bathing,walking,cooking her tea which she will not allow them to do at all,as she is now refusing all food apart from cakes and biscuits and she is losing weight,and other little daily needs...she had temporary carers through the Covid 19 lockdown and that was a bumpy ride-some days good some awful-today her new permanent carers started and they rang me to say that it didn`t go well as mum had said she didn`t want any help and told them to leave.

I am at my wits end as mum is terrified of going into a home,and I got her home carers to avoid that as she really cannot cope on her own,plus she has recently started throwing food away and I am worried she is going to become more ill-she is also very depressed.lonely,afraid,angry a lot and I thought carers popping in and having a chat would be great for mum,but she doesn`t want any of it.

Can anyone advise as I am worried sick about mum and my whole life is starting to fall apart as this is taking over everything else.I really love mum and I don`t want her to be so unhappy but she changes her mind about everything and forgets everything within an hour-I am exhausted and at a loss what to do.
Thankyou,Jen.
We are at the same stage we arranged a home help few hours a week started off ok the first few visits then she refused to let them in. So we had to put a hold on it and seek CPN & OT HELP. Bottom line is if the wint accept it at all the only option eventually is a care home as hard as that sounds. Thanks Bill
 

Jen1334

New member
Jul 29, 2020
3
Hi it is when different faces keep coming mum really took to one carer called Emma but she doesn't come very often now a change in shift to a different area . I really want to get things sorted to get a permanent routine in place , waiting on social worker appointment , I just feel like going ahead and doing myself but don't know if I have to wait for social worker after all it's our lives we talking about. It seems like one thing always had a knock on effect for everything else and I don't know if she can be left much longer so I have to talk to my boss as well.
Didn`t they give you a social worker contact when they set up the reablement team? I have been working with a fantastic social worker all the way through who found me the permanent carers as they seemed a good match for mum-and she has stayed in touch offering to contact me every 4 weeks to see how things are going-even though,like yourselves,things are not going too well.
I would call your city council adult social care team and ask for support like this.
I know the real issue is that our mum`s are confused and want something then don`t want it-that`s the cruellest part of dementia. x
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,855
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Jen1334 if you think your mum might be depressed it’s worth talking to her GP about it. I know many PWD are depressed (and who can blame them) and sometimes medication can help.

I’m glad you’ve got a supportive social worker as I know the support I received from SS while I was caring for my dad was wonderful as was the support I got here on DTP.