Elderly aunt who thinks she is fine

[Emerion]

I live at the opposite end of Britain from my elderly aunt, so I see her every few weeks, when I try to help her although it's very difficult. I am her only close relative. I am certain that she has dementia, but she also drinks quite heavily and is probably also depressed. She can be aggressive, and irrational as well as confused. It's so hard to persuade her that she needs any help, and then five minutes later, she's forgotten. She is unsteady on her feet even when sober, eats irregularly, isn't washing herself much, or doing any housework. She has lost almost all of her friends. She sits in one chair all day with the curtains shut if left to her own devices. Dodgy door-to-door salesman have taken advantage of her confusion to get her money.

Social services have been slow to help and with my aunts reluctance it took months to arrange some care. The social worker said that because she has some money she has to pay for any care. She isn't rich by the way, just comfortable. But she certainly couldn't afford more than an hour a day Monday to Friday, which is all that she's now getting, and she needs so much more. The carer leaves the house every time my aunt gets cross, saying that she doesn't have to put up with this abuse. That's even though the company claims to specialise in dementia care. Admittedly the drinking might also be contributing to the aggression.

The doctor rang my aunt eventually after I persuaded social services to call him - that took weeks. He said that she has competence and he can't intervene to get a diagnosis of dementia and check her general health, if she doesn't want it. It must have been a very good day if she sounded competent, but she can put on a good act for very short periods. I suspect that he thinks the problem is entirely alcohol, but I know that she is also confused when sober. And I know what she used to be like, and this isn't her. Now the doctor refuses to phone or visit again.

One day soon, she will be found dead or dying on the floor and they will all be delighted to wash their hands of her. I'm at my wit's end, remembering what she was like only a couple of years ago and banging my head against this brick wall. Has anyone got any advice about getting the doctor or social services to do something more?

 

[marionq]

Most of the stories of this type that I've heard of end badly I'm sorry to say. When the person won't cooperate but is not a threat to anyone else then the law seems to allow the situation to continue.

She presumably wants to be left to her own devices and only you are suffering on the sidelines. I'm not sure you can do more than you have already done.

Sorry not to be more helpful.

 

[Emerion]

Most of the stories of this type that I've heard of end badly I'm sorry to say. When the person won't cooperate but is not a threat to anyone else then the law seems to allow the situation to continue.

She presumably wants to be left to her own devices and only you are suffering on the sidelines. I'm not sure you can do more than you have already done.

Sorry not to be more helpful.

Thanks for replying. She does want help and then she forgets that she has a problem and is awkward again. I accept what you've said though.

 

[cragmaid]

To be honest, the only way she is going to get constructive assistance will be if you are there, on site to organize it and to supervise her so that she cannot drink too much or be aggressive to visiting carers.

Sadly, in most cases like this, it takes a crisis before help is put in place. If she is deemed to have sufficient capacity and refuses assistance, then no one is going to step in. After all, even a trained carer is not paid enough to be subjected to abuse from a person who is not ill as such.

I'm afraid that in order for you to feel comforted, you are going to have to be the person who gives up their time, career and life, until such time( if ever) as you can get her settled in care.

Sorry if this sound cruel, but there is a huge financial shortage and a vast shortage of skilled workers to cover every contingency. Your Aunt has a property which will be utilised to pay for her care.... to that extent she is lucky, she will not have to take pot luck with council care.

 

[jugglingmum]

I'm afraid that in order for you to feel comforted, you are going to have to be the person who gives up their time, career and life, until such time( if ever) as you can get her settled in care.

This is fairly true, if you want to help you have to try and manage it, and the only way to do that is to transfer her to somewhere near you. I live near Chester, my mum in Hertfordshire, she had a crisis and I got her into sheltered extra care near me.

You need to persuade your aunt that moving near you is good, and move her! It sounds like you would need to ensure she doesn't have access to alcohol as well, which is easier said than done.

You don't say the exact distance, but there is only so much you can do from a distance, and at the stage your aunt is at, you either need to await the crisis or persuade her to move near you. When the crisis happens move her near you as well.

My mum did have a reasonable support network, but a 7 hour round trip with 2 kids and a job just wasn't going to work for me.