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Early days

Morganlefay

Registered User
May 20, 2014
78
Buckinghamshire
Please advise me, kind people: my OH was diagnosed in Feb 2013.(he's 72 and had been just a bit vague and forgetful for quite a long time before that. He's not severely ill - if you didn't know him you might not spot that there was anything wrong. I was with him when he was given the diagnosis in the hospital, and driving home I said 'Well there's a thing' and he said 'Yes' . since when we have never mentioned it again. He lets me drive much more than he used to, which is a good thing, and very unusual, but otherwise we make no reference to the illness. He forgets his words and has difficulty sometimes in saying whta he wants to, and as I mostly know what he's trying to say I try gently to help him along with the thought/sentence: so Question 1: should I do that ? It looks bossy and interfering to outsiders, but I don't care about that - I just want him to be happy.
And then, I was talking to a very old friend of his who suggested that he might actually be wanting to talk about it (as we never do) and why didn't I just gently ask him if he'd like to talk about it. (He is religious about taking his Aricept, which made quite a big difference to him when he started it, so he does know what's going on or he wouldn't take them) but we have never talked about heavy stuff very much, and I don't want to upset things by introducing the subject. On the other hand, every day is like walking through a minefield. So Question 2: should I ask him if he'd like to talk about it ?And Question 3: is there a book, leaflet, anything at all which has guidance for spouses about this stage of the illness ? My mother had very severe dementia which came upon her suddenly, so I know quite a lot about that end of the illness, but negotiating the beginning of it is something I know nothing about Thank you very much in advance anyone who can give me any ideas at all.
 

1mindy

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
539
Shropshire
Please advise me, kind people: my OH was diagnosed in Feb 2013.(he's 72 and had been just a bit vague and forgetful for quite a long time before that. He's not severely ill - if you didn't know him you might not spot that there was anything wrong. I was with him when he was given the diagnosis in the hospital, and driving home I said 'Well there's a thing' and he said 'Yes' . since when we have never mentioned it again. He lets me drive much more than he used to, which is a good thing, and very unusual, but otherwise we make no reference to the illness. He forgets his words and has difficulty sometimes in saying whta he wants to, and as I mostly know what he's trying to say I try gently to help him along with the thought/sentence: so Question 1: should I do that ? It looks bossy and interfering to outsiders, but I don't care about that - I just want him to be happy.
And then, I was talking to a very old friend of his who suggested that he might actually be wanting to talk about it (as we never do) and why didn't I just gently ask him if he'd like to talk about it. (He is religious about taking his Aricept, which made quite a big difference to him when he started it, so he does know what's going on or he wouldn't take them) but we have never talked about heavy stuff very much, and I don't want to upset things by introducing the subject. On the other hand, every day is like walking through a minefield. So Question 2: should I ask him if he'd like to talk about it ?And Question 3: is there a book, leaflet, anything at all which has guidance for spouses about this stage of the illness ? My mother had very severe dementia which came upon her suddenly, so I know quite a lot about that end of the illness, but negotiating the beginning of it is something I know nothing about Thank you very much in advance anyone who can give me any ideas at all.
You sound as if you are exactly where I was 3 years ago. And I said the same things about others not spotting anything was wrong.
I can only give you my experience we are nearly 3 years to the day of diagnosis my OH is 69..My O H did not want us to finish his sentences orhelphim outandin his own time , notourtime,hemainlyfoundthewordsorchanged the sentence to say the same thinginwordshecouldget. If he wanted helphe would ask .Well meaning friends used to ,and still do ,fill in the gaps he hated it..

Living with it day in day out is a mine field and I know some days I felt like I was treadingon egg shell, my advice would be not to broach anything , he knows and if he wants to talk about it be will,in his own time. Just having had the diagnosis he has a lot to deal with just carry on as normal as you can.
My OH is now getting a lot more forgetful. Names are fading fast, he does not know many familiar places any more and struggles far more with his words. But he is OK we are treading water but it isn't rising at the moment .
 

Sue J

Registered User
Dec 9, 2009
8,035
Please advise me, kind people: my OH was diagnosed in Feb 2013.(he's 72 and had been just a bit vague and forgetful for quite a long time before that. He's not severely ill - if you didn't know him you might not spot that there was anything wrong. I was with him when he was given the diagnosis in the hospital, and driving home I said 'Well there's a thing' and he said 'Yes' . since when we have never mentioned it again. He lets me drive much more than he used to, which is a good thing, and very unusual, but otherwise we make no reference to the illness. He forgets his words and has difficulty sometimes in saying whta he wants to, and as I mostly know what he's trying to say I try gently to help him along with the thought/sentence: so Question 1: should I do that ? It looks bossy and interfering to outsiders, but I don't care about that - I just want him to be happy.
And then, I was talking to a very old friend of his who suggested that he might actually be wanting to talk about it (as we never do) and why didn't I just gently ask him if he'd like to talk about it. (He is religious about taking his Aricept, which made quite a big difference to him when he started it, so he does know what's going on or he wouldn't take them) but we have never talked about heavy stuff very much, and I don't want to upset things by introducing the subject. On the other hand, every day is like walking through a minefield. So Question 2: should I ask him if he'd like to talk about it ?And Question 3: is there a book, leaflet, anything at all which has guidance for spouses about this stage of the illness ? My mother had very severe dementia which came upon her suddenly, so I know quite a lot about that end of the illness, but negotiating the beginning of it is something I know nothing about Thank you very much in advance anyone who can give me any ideas at all.
Hi Morganlefay

In answer to your questions: 1. I would say do continue to help your husband out , from what you write he seems accepting of that and shows him that you understand. Someone else recently asked the same question on another thread.
2. I personally wouldn't ask if he wants to talk about his diagnosis but rather perhaps ask him if he minds when you help him find his sentences etc. as you are a little unsure about it, that way he may open up about his difficulties if he is able to. If you think it would help him to discuss it may help you to find a Memory Café that you could perhaps go where you could meet others in similar situations.3. There are lots of factsheets on the AS website but not sure if specific booklet that you ask about. Best guidance is reading TP I think.

Best wishes
Sue:)
 

truth24

Registered User
Oct 13, 2013
5,725
North Somerset
My OH had speech difficulties too. I often finished his sentences when he looked at me asking for help. He had told me that it embarrassed him if he couldn't finish what he had started out to say. However I did get several comments from 'friends' telling me to let my husband speak for himself. Of course they didn't know the situation then as we had only told the family and very close friends.
 

chick1962

Registered User
Apr 3, 2014
11,282
near Folkestone
My OH gets cross with me for trying to finish sentence for him . I had to learn to speak slower and be patient. However sometimes he goes in such a round about way , that he looses himself in it and forgot what he originally wanted to say .


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