1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Weds 28 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 28 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Frederic H

    Frederic H Registered User

    Apr 1, 2015
    75
    Devon
    it is dying twice My wife is now in a nursing home has little recollection of home and smiles and talks nonsense.
    She is dead to me mentally but not physically. Every where in the flat is things that remind me-those wonderful colourful cushions with Picasso images she bought in France; all the colourful pottery she insisted in buying usually against my better judgement.
    All her clothes ( she needs very little in a nursing home ) are still in the cupboard. In some ways I want to get rid as they are a permanent reminder but I cannot.

    And that is the worse thing she is dead and gone in every sense except one,and I will see her again to day knowing she has no recollection of all the happy times we had together and knowing that she now relates more to the staff than me

    And then one day and I hope not too far off she will die and I can greave all over again
    It is so difficult to cope with.I took some photos recently of her sitting in a chair and her expression breaks me up everytime cos it says I don't know what is happening to me and no one can explain to her.

    Parting is not a sweet sorrow
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,115
    Kent
    It`s truly heartbreaking.
     
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,049
    Merseyside
    Oh Frederic you described it so eloquently. I wish you strength & peace for each day.
     
  4. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,233
    Female
    Dundee
    :( Thinking of you.
     
  5. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    3,072
    Devon
    So desperately sad and difficult for you Frederic. I can't offer any advice, just send hopes that you will be given the strength to get you through this time
     
  6. pins tony

    pins tony Registered User

    Oct 20, 2014
    213
    bristol
    Your post so sums up my lovely wife June i see her every day but I never se the real June.she was such a vibrant person now nothing left.if only I could talk to her for a few minutes of sense.how we keep going why don't we give up how can I she still my sweetheart take care and again thanks for your post
     
  7. nannylondon

    nannylondon Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    2,478
    London
    Frederic, what a moving post, you have put into words how so many of us feel my husband is the same it just breaks your heart.
     
  8. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hello Frederick we are all suffering, how lucky we are to have this wonderful forum, l always feel better when l can express my feelings, oh how we would all love to have our loved ones back if only for a few hours.
     
  9. MollyD

    MollyD Registered User

    Mar 27, 2016
    1,696
    Ireland
    It's such a difficult stage, Frederic. Your post is heartbreaking. Sending you support.

    Your wife is blessed in you, doesn't make it easier for you though.

    X
     
  10. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,333
    Pontypool
    A very eloquent post, Frederic. I totally understand but, whilst having lost my husband in March this year and being relieved that his suffering is over, I would give a lot to be able to sit with him and hold his hand again. It is such a cruel disease, wishing everyone still involved in the journey, or suffering the aftermath, peace and strength to carry on.


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  11. Nurseneil

    Nurseneil Registered User

    Nov 4, 2016
    3
    Carrying On

    Frederic,your feelings are so raw,my heart breaks for you.I and so many others watch helplessly as our beloved ones slip further down the slippery slope of this heinous condition.
    Hurting and grieving for such a long time.Let yourself grieve now and know that you have others on this forum who completely understand and sympathise. Blessings.....
     
  12. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,629
    Female
    London
    We all grieve in different ways I think. I grieve for the things he can no longer do and for the things we can no longer do together. I grieve for our old life, but I do not grieve for the man himself, because he is still very much here, he still dances and smiles and eats with an appetite, and cuddles and giggles when I fart. And long may it continue because I'm not ready to let go yet.
     
  13. BazArcher

    BazArcher Registered User

    Feb 13, 2016
    25
    Lakenheath, Suffolk
    Frederic
    If ever there was a post that pretty much explained how carers of loved ones in this situation felt yours would be the one, it must have took a lot to write that as I guess most of us usually, myself included tend to rant about something and never consider the true cost.
    I sat here dumbstruck reading it thinking someone else has written what I felt so thank you for that , sadly there is nothing I or probably anyone else here can add which will make it seem any different to you.
    You are not alone as we wander down the long slow path its a hard life and this disease affecting our loved ones is by far the cruellest.
    I hope they pin this post of yours so it won't get pushed down the list.

    Baz
     
  14. elizabeth hc

    elizabeth hc Registered User

    Oct 31, 2012
    49
    This is such a cruel disease. Thoughts are with you. I have all this to come
     
  15. Hervieux

    Hervieux Registered User

    Mar 31, 2014
    32
    South Wiltshire
    Dear Frederick,as I read your post I knew I had found my alter-ego. You expressed so simply everything we all feel,day after long,long day,living in a house we once shared,visiting the shell of the person we once loved.A vicar once described the body as a suitcase for the soul......we are visiting that suitcase,rarely,if ever,glimpsing the person we once loved.The guilt of not being the one to care for them,forever present.But........ we are still alive and we must think of ourselves and please,please please let it not happen to us! Good luck and big hugs to you


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     

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