DVLA letter advice please

[TheNightshade2021]

After yet another drive during which my husband complained loudly and continually about not being able to drive, and accusing me of stopping him, we got home to find a letter from the DVLA, several months late. I managed to remove it and read it privately.
It's asking if he wants to give up his licence (they have still got it actually!), Or allow them to access medical records to assess his suitability to drive. His doctor told him not to last October.
He would have to sign this form whatever he chooses and I know that it will trigger yet another scene about driving.
Should I just not answer? It says if they haven't heard in 14 days the licence us revoked, but then they may write again.
Any advice please?

We have just been through this! The memory clinic said he had to report symptoms and send the licence back (delays due to Covid) its taken since last August to get a definitive reply! I found him reading a letter yesterday but didnt get what it said . When I explained he kicked off and then slumped into despair-he loved driving! He is now angry with me cos I “sabotaged” him! Do not rely on DVLA to respond quickly its horrendous

 

[fromnz123]

Almost a year since diagnosed and licence revoked I had thought that things had calmed down as he hasn’t mentioned it for ages.
Today he went to bed at 2pm, and I went out for a walk, when I got back he was demanding to know where the spare set for the car was, apparently he wanted to go out.
I tried to explain that he’s not allowed to drive. He’s then shouting that I’m keeping him prisoner in his own own home, I explained that he’s able to go out and walk or I can drive him to wherever he wants to go.

Well apparently he doesn’t want to rely on me, and the letter from the DVLA is out of date and not valid!!

It’s never ending ?

 

[GillP]

This is one area that didn’t cause problems. Initially my husband considered taking the assessment but then got used to me driving and enjoyed being chauffeured about. He even told me I was a good driver!

 

[Extremelytrying]

We have just been through this! The memory clinic said he had to report symptoms and send the licence back (delays due to Covid) its taken since last August to get a definitive reply! I found him reading a letter yesterday but didnt get what it said . When I explained he kicked off and then slumped into despair-he loved driving! He is now angry with me cos I “sabotaged” him! Do not rely on DVLA to respond quickly its horrendous

Thanks TheNightshade2021 , it helps to know others are in the same situation.
I'm on constant alert for the post, checking each letter for him isn't from DVLA, it's horrible. I'm following advice from here to ignore any more letters and just let it go.
Of course this doesn't mean it's forgotten, he still sometimes is furious that "I don't let him drive". All I can say is that I'd love him to help with the driving, but the DVLA have said no and there's no insurance. He harrumphs a lot ,saying he'll sort it out, and then forgets....til the next time. Good luck!

 

[Extremelytrying]

I”m new to this forum - this is the first thread .i’ve read. I’m also dealing with the driving issue and feeling v bad & disloyal about deceit & sleight of hand , even thought I know it’s what I have to do. Reading all these accoints has given me courage, so thankyou to all of you.

Hi Slipstich, I agree, the subterfuge is really difficult. We're taught Fromm childhood to be honest and truthful but have to act in a deceitful way to our beloved partner/husband/wife etc. It certainly doesn't come easy, but just has to be done. Good luck!

 

[jugglingmum]

and there's no insurance

When I said this to my mum she just said 'I don't understand what insurance is' - this was the last conversation I tried to reason with her and I just distracted every time she asked after that.

I think she genuinely had forgotten what insurance was but just wanted to drive.

 

[Dutchman]

Thanks TheNightshade2021 , it helps to know others are in the same situation.
I'm on constant alert for the post, checking each letter for him isn't from DVLA, it's horrible. I'm following advice from here to ignore any more letters and just let it go.
Of course this doesn't mean it's forgotten, he still sometimes is furious that "I don't let him drive". All I can say is that I'd love him to help with the driving, but the DVLA have said no and there's no insurance. He harrumphs a lot ,saying he'll sort it out, and then forgets....til the next time. Good luck!

Hello @Extremelytrying
I remember well the anxiety and stress over that letter from the DVLA.

My wife was so upset that she couldn’t drive and thought it unfair that the decision was taken out of her hands and thought we should appeal but the thought of her taking a test to evaluate her capabilities was too much for me to arrange. It would have been cruel. And anyway, how much time does that buy you?

Better to say that’s it, no more and then hope the PWD will just forget.

 

[RosettaT]

This is one area that didn’t cause problems. Initially my husband considered taking the assessment but then got used to me driving and enjoyed being chauffeured about. He even told me I was a good driver!

I must admit my OH never gave me a hard time, he accepted he had to wait for an assessment to get his licence back and then drove for another 9mths until he was admitted to hospital with an infection. When he came out 12 weeks later he had lost his mobility and never mentioned driving again. When I bought his wheelchair adapted vehicle I took for him a test drive and asked what he thought. He just 'I think you drove very professionally', lol.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I support what you say WJG something similar happened to my OH. Even his consultant said there was no need to withdraw his licence. When he finally got his assessment he passed with flying colours. The DVLA don't appear to stick within any guide lines they hadn't spoken to any one about my OH, they just withdrew his licence as soon as they were notified about his diagnosis. It appears to be luck or 'non-luck' of the draw.

Yes, but the problem is this: the day before the person gets lost or drives through a red light, they were a perfectly good driver.

Changes can happen really quickly with dementia. The day before my mother denied I was her daughter, she knew exactly who I was. The night before she rampaged round the home (banging on doors, going in rooms, pulling a phone off the wall and attempting to smash the exit door with it...) she slept peacefully in her room. Etc, etc.

It's really important that people with dementia don't drive for this reason. Would you fly with a pilot who had early stage dementia, even if they told you they'd passed an assessment the day before? How about a heart surgeon with dementia - is it OK for them to continue operating till they mess up? How about a general or a president?

Withdrawing a license following a diagnosis of dementia isn't saying the person is a bad driver. It's saying the risk of someone getting hurt is now greater. Just as the wearing of a seatbelt is compulsory due to the risks of injury in an accident, where we can reduce risk, we should do so.

The alternative (with driving) is to wait until something bad happens. That may be just a prang in a car park but it could be the death of a child.

 

[fromnz123]

Yes, but the problem is this: the day before the person gets lost or drives through a red light, they were a perfectly good driver.

Changes can happen really quickly with dementia. The day before my mother denied I was her daughter, she knew exactly who I was. The night before she rampaged round the home (banging on doors, going in rooms, pulling a phone off the wall and attempting to smash the exit door with it...) she slept peacefully in her room. Etc, etc.

It's really important that people with dementia don't drive for this reason. Would you fly with a pilot who had early stage dementia, even if they told you they'd passed an assessment the day before? How about a heart surgeon with dementia - is it OK for them to continue operating till they mess up? How about a general or a president?

Withdrawing a license following a diagnosis of dementia isn't saying the person is a bad driver. It's saying the risk of someone getting hurt is now greater. Just as the wearing of a seatbelt is compulsory due to the risks of injury in an accident, where we can reduce risk, we should do so.

The alternative (with driving) is to wait until something bad happens. That may be just a prang in a car park but it could be the death of a child.

??

 

[Wishful thinking]

After yet another drive during which my husband complained loudly and continually about not being able to drive, and accusing me of stopping him, we got home to find a letter from the DVLA, several months late. I managed to remove it and read it privately.
It's asking if he wants to give up his licence (they have still got it actually!), Or allow them to access medical records to assess his suitability to drive. His doctor told him not to last October.
He would have to sign this form whatever he chooses and I know that it will trigger yet another scene about driving.
Should I just not answer? It says if they haven't heard in 14 days the licence us revoked, but then they may write again.
Any advice please?

 

[Wishful thinking]

When my husband was told he was not happy and said he didn’t think there was anything wrong with his driving but I managed to persuade him by saying once the doctors had advised not to drive if he were to have an accident the insurance would be invalid and it could cost a great deal of money which seems to do the trick.He is a farmer not tight but very careful not to waste money.Only thing is he took the tractor down the field the other day and got it stuck in the bog so still working on that one!

 

[Extremelytrying]

Just a follow up to my original pos in case anyone is in a similar position:
Following advice on here I ignored the letter from DVLA and the issue subsided, but I watched the post like a hawk for more letters. After a couple of weeks one came which I opened. It said that following medical advice he couldn't drive any more. So that's that.
I haven't mentioned it but kept it in case/when the issue re-emerges.
Interesting that the first letter asked for him to sign a form giving permission for access to medical records. This was the letter I ignored. But they still had that information anyway. Maybe the GP contacted them?
Anyway, if you're going through this awful situation my advice would be to ignore all DVLA letters and it seems to go away.☺️

Thanks for all the very helpful replies.

 

[DazeyDoris]

The day my husband took the memory test the GP told him not to drive, at least until he'd seen the consultant and had a diagnosis. I sent his licence to the DVLA without his knowledge as his driving had become very erratic so it was a relief. That was two years ago and he seems not to mind so much now. I've also since got a different car which he wouldn't be able to work out how to drive. It might all sound harsh but I couldn't bear the thought of him killing or injuring someone. A friend's father in law who has dementia had a driving assessment and passed, which horrified my friend who says his driving is awful.

 

[Chocco]

The day my husband took the memory test the GP told him not to drive, at least until he'd seen the consultant and had a diagnosis. I sent his licence to the DVLA without his knowledge as his driving had become very erratic so it was a relief. That was two years ago and he seems not to mind so much now. I've also since got a different car which he wouldn't be able to work out how to drive. It might all sound harsh but I couldn't bear the thought of him killing or injuring someone. A friend's father in law who has dementia had a driving assessment and passed, which horrified my friend who says his driving is awful.

My as yet undiagnosed 84 yr old OH has not driven for at least 12 months. He failed to stop at a roundabout and I suggested he should stop driving until he had a driving assessment and we have just never got around to arranging it.
When his license renewal letter from DVLA came about 2 months ago he was going to return it without ticking any of the health issue boxes ie 'serious memory and confusion'
When I told him he had to tick that one, he said his memory issues were not 'serious' so it didn't apply.
I told him that if he did send it unticked I would have to contact the DVLA and tell them that he had made a false declaration.
He later told me that 'the little fella' had been mean to him and was going to dob him in to the DVLA!
We had many discussions about it and I emphasised as tactfully as I could 'danger to life' not just his life but other people's
Luckily there was also an article in the paper one weekend about elderly drivers having to stop driving which he took on board.
So DVLA letter has been sent correctly filled in and he is awaiting the medical information form they will send for mire info.
He has resigned himself to not getting his license back and says he feels lost, angry and resentful.
I do feel very sorry for his loss of freedom and it is so sad to see his decline from such a super capable person to someone who now can't perform simple tasks and gets lost in the house along with all the other issues.
When I did the ironing last night, he said later that 'the little fella' ironed his shirt really well!

 

[Dutchman]

I remember well the issues of the licence. I was always dreading the letter from the DVLA and in the end when arrived i hid it for a long time from my wife. She said “ one more thing I can’t do” and I felt so sorry for her as she realised life was slipping away. In the end she didn’t want to drive anyway so it wasn’t a problem.

 

[Knitandpurl]

My husband has also made that comment “one more thing I cannot do” , it s heart breaking. On the wanting time drive thing though last year he drove a car on the ‘dodgems’ at the seaside amusement arcade( not many others on and we warned and asked the young man checking everyone - he kept an eye on him and jumped on the back a few times). He loved it, but hasn’t wanted to do again. I’ve also asked him if he would like me to arrange for him to go on ‘go kart’ for a treat - he decided not, but I still think it would be possible to arrange as a private hire (like arranging a private party event).

 

[Bakerst]

After being on a 12 month medical licence for 2yrs ?‍♀️we finally got the dreaded letter from DVLA this week. Luckily OH was having a sleep he (well we) had been up most of the night, so I was able to open it. I haven't told him, because I don't think it is in his best interests. At the moment he is happy thinking we are saving up for a new car that will be between us ( we have always had one each). As he is getting more upset by the way he feels with his 'memory problems' I think if I told him about his licence he would go under..if you know what I mean.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

It is a really hard thing. As a non-driver, it wouldn't matter a bit to me if I was told I couldn't drive. (Obviously!) My boyfriend would be completely different - he's been driving since he was 18, used to go abroad every weekend driving across Europe and has also driven the 4 and a half hour journey to visit me every weekend for the past 18-ish years

He doesn't have dementia (phew) but is becoming infirm with various health issues and I know sooner or later, the driving will have to go. It will be a major blow when that does happen - he doesn't live close to shops, etc, or to his friends, which has never mattered before... But it will. His life revolves around him being mobile and able to travel so it will be life-changing when he has to stop driving. I'm sure it will also affect his self-esteem, wellbeing, etc.

I think many of us in our middle years don't imagine a future where we won't be able to drive/get around/climb stairs, etc. Maybe we should give it more thought and move to that little bungalow in the village before it's too late! I love watching that programme Escape to the Country as like many, I've always held the same fantasy. These days, I watch all those affluent couples who are choosing to leave town and move to a beautiful house in the back of beyond and think, 'Nice place, but you're going to regret this decision in a few years!'

 

[Knitandpurl]

Me too - I usually also think, they’re going to regret how big the house and land are - it amazes me how they all seem to think all their family are going to want to come and spend every Xmas with them!!!