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DVLA letter advice please

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
1,785
0
74
Devon, Totnes
I think my main problem is the deceit in not showing him the letter and following through all the medical checks.
We've always been open and honest with each other for 40 years, so it's tough
Hi there. Subterfuge and lies. I hated it with my wife but it was the only way sometimes to get through the day. Otherwise you’re always open to recriminations and accusations. Anyway, the PWD can’t always apply logic to the situation and reason it out for the best. So you have to take over and usually you’re the only one there at the time without a team of people to discuss it with you or your love one. I felt on my own with all the stress most of the time
Don’t feel too badly about what you do as you do your best without first hand support or advice.
 

Extremelytrying

Registered User
Jul 15, 2021
25
0
Hi there. Subterfuge and lies. I hated it with my wife but it was the only way sometimes to get through the day. Otherwise you’re always open to recriminations and accusations. Anyway, the PWD can’t always apply logic to the situation and reason it out for the best. So you have to take over and usually you’re the only one there at the time without a team of people to discuss it with you or your love one. I felt on my own with all the stress most of the time
Don’t feel too badly about what you do as you do your best without first hand support or advice.
Thank you Dutchman, that's comforting.
I know we all have to use subterfuge but it doesn't come naturally and makes me feel like a rat...
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
346
0
Remember this feeling so well with my mum. She gave up driving very early on her but she couldn’t really afford to run a car. When I started having too tell lies to her it broke me heart but sometimes it was easier for her and me and everything is so hard xx
 

Libbybookworm

Registered User
Apr 6, 2018
85
0
After yet another drive during which my husband complained loudly and continually about not being able to drive, and accusing me of stopping him, we got home to find a letter from the DVLA, several months late. I managed to remove it and read it privately.
It's asking if he wants to give up his licence (they have still got it actually!), Or allow them to access medical records to assess his suitability to drive. His doctor told him not to last October.
He would have to sign this form whatever he chooses and I know that it will trigger yet another scene about driving.
Should I just not answer? It says if they haven't heard in 14 days the licence us revoked, but then they may write again.
Any advice please?
If you're worried about him accessing future mail from the DVLA, might it be an idea to set up a PO Box in his name for a short duration? I had a period of having to lie in wait for the postman in order to intercept mail, but my husband very quickly lost the ability to read so the problem resolved itself.
 

Pork Pie lady

Registered User
Mar 16, 2013
103
0
Anglia
With POA you should also be able to liaise with DVLA and ask them directly to revoke the licence.
If you are worried about someone driving when not fit you could try disconnecting the battery when you get out of the car something simple to put right for when you next want to drive. Someone else who knows more about cars might be able to make a better suggestion as to what is easily sabotaged to make the vehicle undrivable then put right.
 

Extremelytrying

Registered User
Jul 15, 2021
25
0
If you're worried about him accessing future mail from the DVLA, might it be an idea to set up a PO Box in his name for a short duration? I had a period of having to lie in wait for the postman in order to intercept mail, but my husband very quickly lost the ability to read so the problem resolved itself.
Thanks, great suggestion. But this DVLA letter wasn't actually addressed to him by name, strangely, just our address. I couldn't work out if it was a very sensitive clerk or carelessness 😂.
Worth considering for the future though.
 

Angryperson

Registered User
Oct 27, 2017
34
0
After yet another drive during which my husband complained loudly and continually about not being able to drive, and accusing me of stopping him, we got home to find a letter from the DVLA, several months late. I managed to remove it and read it privately.
It's asking if he wants to give up his licence (they have still got it actually!), Or allow them to access medical records to assess his suitability to drive. His doctor told him not to last October.
He would have to sign this form whatever he chooses and I know that it will trigger yet another scene about driving.
Should I just not answer? It says if they haven't heard in 14 days the licence us revoked, but then they may write again.
Any advice please?
I have been in this situation for some years now. It’s not so much wanting to drive as we rarely need to, however his driving licence is such an important part of his identity. I am afraid I mostly ignore the letters so he still has the actual licence and although I hate lying, I will probably say it is lost if they demand it’s return.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
1,785
0
74
Devon, Totnes
Hello @Angryperson . Yes I know the anxiety that driving licences and their connection with indentity can bring. My wife said “ just one more thing I can’t do” and although she had it extended by 12 months she never attempted to drive after that. I was always waiting for that letter from the DVLA saying yes or no. And I was constantly
asked “ where’s the letter” which I hid and lied about in the end.
The bottom line is that you cannot drive at a certain stage of dementia and memory loss no matter how much it upset the PWD. Also the insurance would be invalid should there be an accident.
It’s hard and cruel and depressing.
 

Slipstitch

New member
Jun 17, 2022
1
0
I”m new to this forum - this is the first thread .i’ve read. I’m also dealing with the driving issue and feeling v bad & disloyal about deceit & sleight of hand , even thought I know it’s what I have to do. Reading all these accoints has given me courage, so thankyou to all of you.
 

Pickalily

Registered User
Apr 21, 2014
15
0
I can really sympathize with you. After a memory test at our surgery, my husband was told not to drive until he'd had further tests. During that time he became impossible to live with and if I'd still had our motorhome, I would have packed me and the dogs and gone - anywhere!! just to get away from his ranting. Even the neighbours were complaining to me about him complaining! That was 10 years ago and it still raises it's ugly head occasionally if driving is mentioned, although once he did say I was a good driver! praise indeed.
You will find your own way of dealing with it, but I know from experience it wont be easy
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
12,847
0
Merseyside
I”m new to this forum - this is the first thread .i’ve read. I’m also dealing with the driving issue and feeling v bad & disloyal about deceit & sleight of hand , even thought I know it’s what I have to do. Reading all these accoints has given me courage, so thankyou to all of you.
Welcome to TP @Slipstitch
 

Extremelytrying

Registered User
Jul 15, 2021
25
0
I can really sympathize with you. After a memory test at our surgery, my husband was told not to drive until he'd had further tests. During that time he became impossible to live with and if I'd still had our motorhome, I would have packed me and the dogs and gone - anywhere!! just to get away from his ranting. Even the neighbours were complaining to me about him complaining! That was 10 years ago and it still raises it's ugly head occasionally if driving is mentioned, although once he did say I was a good driver! praise indeed.
You will find your own way of dealing with it, but I know from experience it wont be easy
Oh lord...10 years!!!
 

Ali L

New member
Aug 11, 2021
1
0
Having never been a nervous passenger with my husband driving, for a couple of years I became increasingly concerned and anxious as he was unaware of, or played down, the mistakes he was making. In 2020 I talked him onto a voluntary assessment with the DVLA, which he passed. They wanted to check him again six months later (which turned into 9 months due to lockdowns etc, during which he had hardly driven) and his driving had deteriorated. The biggest problem was that he thought he'd done well on the assessment, but the DVLA assessor and the OT who was also in the car were very sensitive and kind, and between us we persuaded him to voluntarily relinquish his driving licence, rather than have it revoked by them. He was terribly upset but recognised that the potential for him causing an accident would lead to catastrophic consequences. For several months he still maintained he'd be fine to drive and talked about reapplying for a test and a licence, but this has faded (it's been 10 months since he stopped driving). I appreciate how difficult it is for the PWD to see there is a problem with their driving, and I understand what a huge loss of independence it is, but I know it was the right decision and I felt nothing but relief when the licence went back to the DVLA.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
12,215
0
Yorkshire
Hello @Ali L
A warm welcome to posting on DTP
You did well for your husband and it's good to read that the assessor and OT were sensitive at what was a tough moment
 

WJG

Registered User
Sep 13, 2020
123
0
I have some strong feelings on this question. The DVLA revoked my licence and I have appealed against this. It has taken a year of legal battle to get to the stage where the DVLA will allow me to take a driving assessment. The Agency claimed that my compromised visual spatial abilities would make me a danger. This judgement seems to be based on the opinion of my neurologist - not on any tests. In fact tests at the driving assessment centre showed my reaction times to be better than average.

I know that many people with dementia voluntarily surrender their driving licence - but others are deprived of theirs on arbitrary grounds. The DVLA has guide lines which says it will base decisions on assessment - which only seems just - but, unfortunately, they don’t always keep to their own rules.

I appreciate the OP’s dilemma, but the human rights of people living with dementia are too easily eroded - please don‘t contribute further to this. If someone has been told not to drive by their Doctor they are obliged to notify their insurance compony of this.
 

RosettaT

Registered User
Sep 9, 2018
790
0
Mid Lincs
I support what you say WJG something similar happened to my OH. Even his consultant said there was no need to withdraw his licence. When he finally got his assessment he passed with flying colours. The DVLA don't appear to stick within any guide lines they hadn't spoken to any one about my OH, they just withdrew his licence as soon as they were notified about his diagnosis. It appears to be luck or 'non-luck' of the draw.
 

Libbybookworm

Registered User
Apr 6, 2018
85
0
My husband's driving became very dangerous and our GP contacted the DVLA which arranged an assessment. He almost drove off the road twice, just missed a bridge and pulled out into fast moving traffic. Thankfully, it was a dual control car.
 

Extremelytrying

Registered User
Jul 15, 2021
25
0
If you're worried about him accessing future mail from the DVLA, might it be an idea to set up a PO Box in his name for a short duration? I had a period of having to lie in wait for the postman in order to intercept mail, but my husband very quickly lost the ability to read so the problem resolved itself.
Thanks, great idea