1. MrsChristmas

    MrsChristmas Registered User

    Jun 1, 2015
    Hello Everyone

    I expect everyone is fed up of me and my saga with my mother.

    Please can I ask for some support and advice?

    My 90 year old mother has been showing signs of forgetfulness, vagueness and confusion for the past year. She is waiting to be referred to the memory clinic but she has no idea because I have been in contact with her GP sort of behind her back.

    I have always be very close to Mum both geographically and emotionally but since I had had doubts about her mental health we have sort of drifted apart.

    Mum has proved to be very difficult and stubborn, especially about getting an LPA because she was convinced that we were after her money and were going to put her in a home. She has refused any help around her house and says that she just wants to be left alone. Mum is coping okay actually (well, just about) provided that I drop everything to help her when things go wrong, which I have now stopped doing.

    I find her very difficult to cope with and these angry outbursts are certainly something new.

    Mum is still driving (!) despite having Glaucoma (which she has drops for but is not taking), arthritic hands, curvature of the spine and being very deaf and now there is possible dementia. I have reported this to the DVLA because I am worried about her and Mum received the letter this morning. She phoned me today very angry and accused me of doing this, which I denied, she was furious saying that I had taken away the little bit freedom she had....

    This seems just to chip away at our relationship, Mum used to trust me but now she eyes me with suspicion, says that I want to put her in a home and is just generally...'arsy' which I find very hurtful. I tell myself that I'm doing all of this for her own good but I am wondering now if I have done the right thing. She knows that I have spoken to the GP about her and she is angry with me about that too.

    How do I deal with this? She lives next door to me so it is right in my face but on the other hand, she is 90, living on her own and there is no-one to look out for her.

    Any thoughts or experiences would be most gratefully received.
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    You've done the right thing re the dvla. You know you have.
    Unfortunately arsy is very common & in my experience you can't stop it. My dad is absolutely vile at times. I swear & eat chocolate in the car.
  3. MrsChristmas

    MrsChristmas Registered User

    Jun 1, 2015

    I like that...swearing and eating chocolate...mm..just getting in the car to the corner shop now!

    Thanks Cat...xxx

    Mrs C
  4. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    Hi Mrs C
    My mum went through a stage like this - well quite a prolonged stage actually and i feel really sorry for you.

    On one particularly lucid day (which got further and further apart) i told her that I wasn't aiming to put her in a care home because I knew she didn't want to pay £1K a week and stressed the cost, and she was soooooo shocked at the cost that it seemed to create a semi-permanent diversion away from the subject of stealing her money (well for a while) and trying to put her 'away'. In fact as she was living 50 years ago in monetary terms I think she almost had a heart attack (she told me that she could remember when a house in Hampstead Garden Suburb cost £450 - and there we were right away from stealing and back to putting the world to rights with all the usual fattist, racist and ageist comments that go with that)

    Generally to be honest I just agreed with her kindly and smiled or distracted but more often agreed. My teens were masters of the art of agreeing and she sometimes got suspicious of that too lololol

    Distract distract distract and in between agree. Whatever you do DON'T do what she told you to do as a child and stand up for yourself because if you do you will be putting your head into the jaws of a lion :)

    Remember she loves you, she is frightened and vulnerable and it is not her but the dementia talking and when you need to walk away and have a glass of wine, or a bar of chocolate or both - yayyyyy we know how to live.

    Really really sympathise and thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx............... and keep posting xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Yes, mum went through a really suspicious phase too. She thought everyone was stealing from her, banned a friend from her home and every time I raised the topic of POA I got a huge rant from her. Fortunately she quickly forgot that the friend was banned, but she never did allow POA - I had to go through Court of Protection!

    Fizzie has given good advice, although I must say that distraction didnt always work for mum, though it did usually.

    I agree - you have absolutely done the right thing.
  6. MrsTerryN

    MrsTerryN Registered User

    Dec 17, 2012
    Mrs Christmas sorry to hear. As others have said nasty can last quite a while.
    The problem i had for me was
    Mum : you are going to sell the house
    Me : yes we are that is what you wanted
    Mum : why wont you let me out
    Me : because you are a bit wobbly on your feet
    Mum outraged : i am fine (actually you arent mum you keep falling and breaking bones)
    Then of course there is
    I hate you
    Never visit me again
    Etc etc
    Mum can be very nasty.
    Funnily enough mum stuffed her own driving up so I didn't get the blame "they" did it.
    I have a stack of sympathy and no suggestions sorry :(

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