DRIVING.....me nuts !

[HV1]

It is now a month since we told mum she had to stop driving. Licence sent back to DVla and keys removed and car removed. Gp backed us up and gave umma letter as an aide memoire.
We are bombarded daily, at least 5 times a day, with where's my car, woe is me, I might as well be dead, trapped in my own home, you took my licence away. If I point out why, I get shouted at for pointing out her 'deficits'. Need to change subject or ignore her. She can't remember gp giving her the letter and says it came through the post and I put the gp up to it.
Mum is out more than ever as family and friends pulling together. She is ungrateful. Consumed with misery and bitterness. I told her , there's worse things than not driving. She replied, yes, death !!Cmht nurse came out again last week and acer-1 score down ten points on last year, so finally seeing consultant . Ct last week, although I had to lie to get her there, so hopefully get a diagnosis soon.

 

[Noorza]

I would say use "love lies". The truth is too difficult for her to digest, this often happens, being told he will never drive again is a tough pill to swallow and reason with common sense won't work, as you are finding out.

Can you say the car is in for repair, it' broken down, or just use constant delaying tactics rather than have her deal with the reality of never driving again?

 

[bilslin]

Hi HV1 Zoorza seems to have given you good advice might be the way to go. I've found theres no reasoning with my mum she's just don't remember so its greet your teeth and hope it will pass soon. linda

 

[ellejay]

Hi HV1, I know what you mean about the ungratefulness & misery.(My mum too )

On the one hand we feel sad for them, of course we do, but when it feels like everyone is turning cartwheels & running themselves ragged to make things the best they can be & all you get in return is bitterness & strop it's hard to stay placid.

My mum always insists " It's alright for you, how would you like it if"..............then follows the list of grievances.

Apparently life has never been kind to her & it's not fair!!

My mum is in a CH now, so at least I know I can leave at some point.

Lin x

 

[Countryboy]

Sorry but having dealt for over 12 years with DVLA and driving License issues and unless the DVLA policy and procedures have change I don’t understand how the DVLA will talk to a third party without the consent of the driving license holder , the DVLA send a consent form to the License holder sign for written permission to contact the GP or Consultant I know always had to deal with it myself

 

[jaymor]

If it has been your decision that Mum has stopped driving then bend the truth a little and blame someone else who she sees as authority. Let them be blamed.

You know your mother better than anyone as I did my husband. My husband did continue to drive for 4 years after diagnosis having his licence renewed annually. 2 months before his last test I knew the time had come and though we had lots of moans and ' I know I can' conversations, bless him, deep down I think he knew his driving was not up to the required standard.

It is a difficult time, driving is freedom and when that goes then having to depend on others and them being available must be very hard. Unreasonableness is unfortunately part and parcel of dementia and there are going to be many, many times when it rears it's head and almost drives you mad.

Stay with us on TP and hopefully we can help you along the way.

Jay

 

[Rageddy Anne]

It's such a sore subject isn't it? Nobody wants their freedom snatched from them. My husband works up a fierce storm of indignation whenever he thinks about it, and I'm finding that changing the subject where possible works best... " yes, we are going but I'm not quite ready yet". works quite well. " I'll drive just until your new licence arrives" is good. " the doctor said you are ALLOWED to drive but his advice is not to until you get your new licence because the Insurance Companies can be difficult if there's ever an issue". " Better use my car until we've checked the tyres, oil, petrol on yours....."
I'm getting quite inventive, though there are still difficult moments. Good luck.

 

[Ash148]

I think I can understand why driving is such a sensitive issue: it does make a big difference to one's independence, even if family is on hand to do the driving. Mum was enormously stressed about it for two to three months, but has deteriorated so quickly since that it's no longer an issue. She had been in hospital, so our "love lie" was that you had to reapply for your licence if you had been in hospital for more than two weeks. We then dragged out getting the application form for a good month and then left it with mum to complete, which she kept saying she would do "tomorrow" but would probably not have been able to manage by then.

 

[HV1]

Sorry but having dealt for over 12 years with DVLA and driving License issues and unless the DVLA policy and procedures have change I don’t understand how the DVLA will talk to a third party without the consent of the driving license holder , the DVLA send a consent form to the License holder sign for written permission to contact the GP or Consultant I know always had to deal with it myself

Mum signed the form but now says was railroaded into it. We have POA also. Can't give consent if no capacity.

 

[Countryboy]

Ordinary UK driving licences issued by the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA) are inscribed with: 'You are required by law to inform Drivers Medical Branch, DVLA, Swansea SA99 1AT at once if you have any disability (either physical or medical condition) which is, or may become, likely to affect your fitness as a driver, unless you do not expect it to last more than three months.'

It is the responsibility of the driver to inform the DVLA. It is the responsibility of doctors to advise patients that medical conditions (and drugs) may affect their ability to drive and for which conditions patients should inform the DVLA.

Drivers should also inform their insurance company of any condition disclosed to the DVLA.

 

[HV1]

Ordinary UK driving licences issued by the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA) are inscribed with: 'You are required by law to inform Drivers Medical Branch, DVLA, Swansea SA99 1AT at once if you have any disability (either physical or medical condition) which is, or may become, likely to affect your fitness as a driver, unless you do not expect it to last more than three months.'

It is the responsibility of the driver to inform the DVLA. It is the responsibility of doctors to advise patients that medical conditions (and drugs) may affect their ability to drive and for which conditions patients should inform the DVLA.

Drivers should also inform their insurance company of any condition disclosed to the DVLA.

Mum signed the voluntary form declaring her vascular dementia. The gp also contacted them after that.

 

[Noorza]

Ordinary UK driving licences issued by the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA) are inscribed with: 'You are required by law to inform Drivers Medical Branch, DVLA, Swansea SA99 1AT at once if you have any disability (either physical or medical condition) which is, or may become, likely to affect your fitness as a driver, unless you do not expect it to last more than three months.'

It is the responsibility of the driver to inform the DVLA. It is the responsibility of doctors to advise patients that medical conditions (and drugs) may affect their ability to drive and for which conditions patients should inform the DVLA.

Drivers should also inform their insurance company of any condition disclosed to the DVLA.

If the driver doesn't have the capacity to inform the DVLA, the family must and should take over for the safety of their loved ones and other road users.

I am so glad that you are able to drive, truly I am, but it's not safe for everyone. I do not make this statement exclusive to just dementia, there can be a myriad of reasons why people are not safe to drive and when that happens the family should protect them, from themselves.

 

[Countryboy]

Being given a diagnosis of dementia does not automatically exclude you from driving; however there is a legal obligation to inform the Driver and Vehicle Licencing Agency (DVLA) of the diagnosis. Your car insurance company must also be informed immediately

If you do not want to carry on driving you can return your driving licence to the DVLA. If you have a diagnosis of dementia, and do want to continue driving, the DVLA will undertake a medical investigation. The DVLA will ask for your consent for its medical advisors to get reports from your doctor and specialists.

You may also need to take a special driving test at a driving assessment centre at **********,. You may want to arrange this yourself and there is a small cost involved.

More information can be found from: ********** Mobility Centre

 

[Dave K]

It is now a month since we told mum she had to stop driving. Licence sent back to DVla and keys removed and car removed. Gp backed us up and gave umma letter as an aide memoire.
We are bombarded daily, at least 5 times a day, with where's my car, woe is me, I might as well be dead, trapped in my own home, you took my licence away. If I point out why, I get shouted at for pointing out her 'deficits'. Need to change subject or ignore her. She can't remember gp giving her the letter and says it came through the post and I put the gp up to it.
Mum is out more than ever as family and friends pulling together. She is ungrateful. Consumed with misery and bitterness. I told her , there's worse things than not driving. She replied, yes, death !!Cmht nurse came out again last week and acer-1 score down ten points on last year, so finally seeing consultant . Ct last week, although I had to lie to get her there, so hopefully get a diagnosis soon.

I can not tell you how best to cope with this other than it will pass (hopefully)

I am plagued with questions after questions (the exact same questions) from 8am to 9pm, there is not let up and definitely no reasoning whatsoever.

Say what works for the both of you and stick to it, if that does not work try something else as each AD sufferer is different (never met two of the same) but at the end of the day if Mum is not safe to drive then she is a danger to other road users, pedestrians and passengers, it is that simple

AD carers have to make the decisions for AD sufferers as they can not do this for themselves no matter how they evaluate the problem

If you think your Mum is in danger of hurting or killing someone or herself then take the right decision for the benefit and safety of everyone

It is hard being a decision maker if you are not used to it especially if it is for a parent, but that is the road you must travel down I am afraid

 

[Countryboy]

By 2021, it is estimated that there will be three million motorists over the age of 70 on the nation's roads, prompting ministers to consider introducing compulsory eyesight and cognitive tests for those over 75.

Motorists must renew their licences once they turn 70 and every three years thereafter, just by filling out a medical form, and must inform the DVLA if their doctor tells them they have a condition that could impair their driving ability.

 

[Dave K]

By 2021, it is estimated that there will be three million motorists over the age of 70 on the nation's roads, prompting ministers to consider introducing compulsory eyesight and cognitive tests for those over 75.

Motorists must renew their licenses once they turn 70 and every three years thereafter, just by filling out a medical form, and must inform the DVLA if their doctor tells them they have a condition that could impair their driving ability.

However, AD is not an age related disease, anyone over 40 can suffer from it although it can take many years before a family member realises that there is a problem then it maybe too late

If my driving is so bad that I am a danger then I would expect to be told that I am a danger but AD sufferers can not comprehend reality or dangers involved (IMHO)

If you know you are a bad driver then it is time to hang up your keys, if you are unaware that you are a bad driver but are really a bad driver then it is your loved ones or carers responsibility to hang your keys up for you regardless of the consequences.

 

[Countryboy]

Can a person with dementia still drive?

A diagnosis of dementia is not in itself necessarily a reason to stop driving. What matters, from both legal and practical points of view, is whether or not the individual is still able to drive safely. However, they must fulfil certain legal requirements, including telling the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA) in England, Scotland and Wales, or Driver and Vehicle Licensing Northern Ireland (DVLNI) in Northern Ireland, of their diagnosis. See 'Continuing to drive'.

For experienced motorists, driving may seem to be a largely automatic activity. In fact, driving is a complicated task that requires a split-second combination of complex thought processes and manual skills. To drive, a person needs to be able to:
•make sense of and respond to everything they see – including road signs and obstacles
•maintain attention while 'reading the road'
•anticipate and react quickly to the actions of other road users
•take appropriate action (eg braking, steering) to avoid accidents
•plan and remember where they are going.

Many people with dementia retain learned skills and are able to drive safely for some time after diagnosis. However, as dementia progresses beyond the early stages it has serious effects on memory, reactions, perception and the ability to perform even simple tasks. People with dementia will, therefore, eventually lose the ability to drive. The stage at which this happens will be different for each person but, according to research, most people stop driving within three years after the first signs of the disease.

People taking certain types of medication, such as night sedation or drugs for depression, may also find that their driving ability is affected. If this is a problem for you or someone you know, speak to the GP or consultant about your concerns.

 

[Wolfsgirl]

When my Dad was still alive, his car was always outside on the drive but something was removed which prevented it being started. The car was always available but never worked, the car was always blamed.....

 

[maryw]

Well the DVLA seem intent on keeping people off the roads. My husband had a driving assessment on the advice of his GP way back in March. He passed it and when the detailed results came through early April we sent them on to DVLA medical dept for further review as advised. One month later no news so I Emailed to be told they had not received it. Fortunately the tracking no from the registered post confirmed it had been received in Swansea April 9th. They found it and said it was now in a queue for medical review. 5 weeks later still no response so tried to phone but they are not answering any calls!! So I Emailed again to learn it is still in a queue.....

 

[HV1]

I can not tell you how best to cope with this other than it will pass (hopefully)

I am plagued with questions after questions (the exact same questions) from 8am to 9pm, there is not let up and definitely no reasoning whatsoever.

Say what works for the both of you and stick to it, if that does not work try something else as each AD sufferer is different (never met two of the same) but at the end of the day if Mum is not safe to drive then she is a danger to other road users, pedestrians and passengers, it is that simple

AD carers have to make the decisions for AD sufferers as they can not do this for themselves no matter how they evaluate the problem

If you think your Mum is in danger of hurting or killing someone or herself then take the right decision for the benefit and safety of everyone

It is hard being a decision maker if you are not used to it especially if it is for a parent, but that is the road you must travel down I am afraid

Thank you for your supportive words. Lois