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"Driving" me crazy...

Kate P

Registered User
Jul 6, 2007
565
Merseyside
AAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!:mad:

Sorry just needed to get that out - better here than actually bellowing at home!

Well the battle is still on going about mum driving. I think I'm just going to have to bite the bullet, ring the DVLA and if he falls out with me he does. I know they don't say who contacted them but he'll know it's me.

Mum had took the car out again yesterday while dad stayed home, only she couldn't remember where she parked the car and so had tried to walk home. Luckily, hubby, child and I were on our way to town and saw her and took her home and then went to look for her car to bring that home too.

Mum was obviously very distressed.

I told dad that it was time for him to do something about this. He said he won't because mum will probably be too scared to go out in the car anyway - not a chance as this is not the first time she's lost her car.

Admitedly last time she could still speak and rang us on her mobile so she didn't have to walk home but it's very much a habit with her to go to the shops everyday and I don't think this will make any difference to her.

What is he waiting for? I'm so annoyed with him and I don't want to be because I know he's scared but right now I just can't help it.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,725
Kent
Dear Kate.

Phone your mother`s GP and explain the situation. or write to him if you can`t get phone contact.

Let the GP inform the DVLA. It won`t be so obvious then.

When I had this problem with my mother, she was a widow, and I had no one else making decisions, so I understand how difficult it is for you.

It`s something that has to be done.

Love xx
 

Nell

Registered User
Aug 9, 2005
1,170
68
Australia
Kate P said:
I told dad that it was time for him to do something about this. He said he won't because mum will probably be too scared to go out in the car anyway - not a chance as this is not the first time she's lost her car.
QUOTE]
Kate P said:
Dear Kate,

It seems from what you have said that your Dad is still trearting your Mum as rational and with having a rational memory. This suggests he has not yet come to terms with her illness - and who can blame him? It is the most awful thing for those of us who love someone with dementia - and especially for spouses I think.

Having said that, you are so right in that your Mum must stop driving. Next time it might result in her going missing - she was just lucky you found her this time.

I think Sylvia's idea is the best one. If you can, get your Mum along to the GP for any reason (AFTER you've told him the pronblem with driving ;) ) and then you can let your Dad think it was the GP who noticed the problem. I realise this is a bit of subterfuge, but all round I think it is best not to cause difficulties if they can be avoided - even if it means a few fibs along the way.

Thinking of you.
 

fearful fiona

Registered User
Apr 19, 2007
723
73
London
Dear Kate P,

I agree with what the others have said, because I've been there myself with my Mum. We tried everything to stop her driving, I think it upset her so much (as it would in any case) because it removed one element of her independence.

However it has to be done by whatever means, and the relief you will feel when she does stop driving will be tremendous.

I hope you don't get to the situation my brother I and got to where the psychiatrist instructed us to physically disable the car because there was no other option. To say World War III ensued is the understatement of the century!

I do wish you luck and I shall think of you as this is such a difficult thing to do - but it has to be done for everyone's safety.

Much love.
 

jackie1

Registered User
Jun 6, 2007
238
Cheshire
I think I was very lucky with John. The consultant told him he could no longer drive and that was it. To be fair by default I had been doing most of the driving anyway. But I know he still misses it and is aggrieved that we sold my car and I now drive his.
 

sue38

Registered User
Mar 6, 2007
10,854
51
Wigan, Lancs
fearful fiona said:
However it has to be done by whatever means, and the relief you will feel when she does stop driving will be tremendous.
Absolutely. My Dad took himself off on Saturday in between my Mum going out and me arriving to check he was OK. Had that been 4 months ago, he would have taken the car and I would have been frantic imagining where he might have got to. As it was I had a half an hour driving round before I came across him on his way home from a little 6 mile stroll, but had been driving who knows where he might have ended up and what damage he might have caused.

My mum did report him and got him to sign the form (he didn't realise what it was) but he totally blames the consultant. We go along with him (cowards that we are :D ).

He grumbles from time to time, but in general it was much better than we could have hoped for.
 

Kate P

Registered User
Jul 6, 2007
565
Merseyside
Well, I've done it - I've rung mum's consultant and told her that mum is still driving and she is going to inform the DVLA.

I feel slightly bad about the storm that will now be heading our way but it needed to be done and I can't have someone else's life on my conscience.

Thanks for the support everyone.

Kate P
XXX
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Well done, Kate. Let's hope the storm is not too fierce -- or too long-lasting!

You know you've done the right thing.

Love,
 

cris

Registered User
Aug 23, 2006
326
70
Chelmsford
You really have to stress that there are lives to be lost and would your mum want to be responsible for killing or maiming someone's child or mum or dad. It's not a case of forgetting where a car is parked or the direction home. A car is a weapon in the wrong hands.
Well done for getting the consultant to inform DVLA.
cris
 

Cymbaline

Registered User
Aug 23, 2007
36
Well done Kate. I hope you don't run into too much trouble with your mother. Like everyone else here, I agree that it was the right thing to do. Looking back, I realise how lucky my family was that mum didn't crash into another person when she was still driving.
 

zed

Registered User
Jul 25, 2005
76
London
You did the right thing Kate.

I had to tell the DVLA about my mum and she was furious with me for ages. I tried to convince her it was a good thing as she would save money not running a car, and she wouldn't have to worry about driving (she was never a good driver!!) However she quickly got used to not driving around and now she doesn't remember that I did it.
 

janc

Registered User
Apr 16, 2007
6
70
County Durham
Dear all,

This is my first time on Talking Point usually I cant get near the computer. I am a carer and was very proud of my husband when he decided not to drive because of his diagnosis, he has Lewy Body's. His concern was not what he would do to himself or even me but to some innocent family driving down the road. It has put a lot of pressure on me as I am now the sole driver but we havent had any of the problems as in previous threads.

Best Wishes

Janice
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Hi Janice and welcome to Talking Point.

You are so right to feel proud that your hsuband voluntarily gave up driving. It has to be one of the biiggest issues faced by family members, particularly early on, when it's clear that the person no longer has the capability yet they still have the desire.

Best wishes
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Hi Janice, and welcome.

I had the same experience with my husband. I took over driving in town, because it became confusing for him, but would invite him to drive if conditions warranted. Increasingly he refused, because he recognised that it was difficult for him, until he stopped altogether.

(I had notified DVLA, and he kept his licence on an annual renewal basis).

It's so much easier when they recognise the problems. Also, I think it's easier for a spouse. If the person lives alone, it must be so difficult to give up the convenience of a car.