hello, I haven't posted much and not for some time. But am feeling it and just wanted to share how I am, if that's ok. My dad passed away last year, and I am still trying to cope with this loss - we were very close and I really miss him. Meanwhile, my mother's dementia (paranoid type), is worse. She seems obsessed that bad things are happening to her, that she has killed me, and most of the time says she wishes she was dead. She talks of thoughts of suicide - but I know this won't happen in reality as she's in a residential home and there are always lots of carers around. It's just I am finding all this so hard to handle. Don't feel I have a life anymore, all this with my parents has brought me down, I know I am depressed. Gp says "how well I am doing" and that I should think about the future. But I can't visualise a future. I can only think of now (and yesterday), and how depressing my life is, how I hate the way my life's turned out, after watching both parents be seriously ill on and off and then watching one die and now watching the other detiriorate in front of my eyes and there's nothing I can do about it. The 2 types of losses of my parents, have taken their toll on me. The only thing that keeps me going is my cat. I spend the bulk of my time either dealing with my late dad's stuff and then getting over the shock of how my mother is after visiting her. My life was so different 2 years ago - then, I was smiling, happy, and fun, had fun, had a great social life it was so good, but a lot of those people's novelties have worn off and I don't really see them anymore as I can't handle their drink problems or just being completely superficial and uncaring; I can't be with people like that no more. It's an effort to meet up with the friends I do have, an even greater one to pick up the phone or talk about how I am because there are so many out there who haven't been through all this and it's clear they haven't a clue what you're going through and in the end you wish you never answered them when they asked how you were doing. Is it always going to be like this? It seems the only things coming up in my life now is my mum's funeral. And then, I really don't know. I just hate this drifting, this not being able to relax in case my mum's admitted to hosp once again, this not being able to enjoy singing music anymore as there are now too many songs that now upset me when I hear them as they remind me of either my dad or my mum, in the olden days. Can anyone identify with any of this? Does it get better? Is it possible to get a life back again after going through the strain and toll of losing your parents after watching each of them suffer so badly? Thanks, sorry I've gone on a bit, but thanks for listening.