1. Lola

    Lola Registered User

    Jan 18, 2007
    hello, I haven't posted much and not for some time. But am feeling it and just wanted to share how I am, if that's ok.

    My dad passed away last year, and I am still trying to cope with this loss - we were very close and I really miss him.

    Meanwhile, my mother's dementia (paranoid type), is worse. She seems obsessed that bad things are happening to her, that she has killed me, and most of the time says she wishes she was dead. She talks of thoughts of suicide - but I know this won't happen in reality as she's in a residential home and there are always lots of carers around.

    It's just I am finding all this so hard to handle.

    Don't feel I have a life anymore, all this with my parents has brought me down, I know I am depressed. Gp says "how well I am doing" and that I should think about the future.

    But I can't visualise a future. I can only think of now (and yesterday), and how depressing my life is, how I hate the way my life's turned out, after watching both parents be seriously ill on and off and then watching one die and now watching the other detiriorate in front of my eyes and there's nothing I can do about it.

    The 2 types of losses of my parents, have taken their toll on me. The only thing that keeps me going is my cat.

    I spend the bulk of my time either dealing with my late dad's stuff and then getting over the shock of how my mother is after visiting her.

    My life was so different 2 years ago - then, I was smiling, happy, and fun, had fun, had a great social life it was so good, but a lot of those people's novelties have worn off and I don't really see them anymore as I can't handle their drink problems or just being completely superficial and uncaring; I can't be with people like that no more.

    It's an effort to meet up with the friends I do have, an even greater one to pick up the phone or talk about how I am because there are so many out there who haven't been through all this and it's clear they haven't a clue what you're going through and in the end you wish you never answered them when they asked how you were doing.

    Is it always going to be like this?

    It seems the only things coming up in my life now is my mum's funeral.

    And then, I really don't know. I just hate this drifting, this not being able to relax in case my mum's admitted to hosp once again, this not being able to enjoy singing music anymore as there are now too many songs that now upset me when I hear them as they remind me of either my dad or my mum, in the olden days.

    Can anyone identify with any of this? Does it get better? Is it possible to get a life back again after going through the strain and toll of losing your parents after watching each of them suffer so badly?

    Thanks, sorry I've gone on a bit, but thanks for listening.
  2. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #2 Margarita, May 30, 2007
    Last edited: May 30, 2007

    Yes I can . but what keep me going was not only the thought of my children but The knowing and recognizing where those feeling was coming from , Lucky for me when I first got those feeling of not wanting to live in the first year of my father dieing my doctor refereed me to therapy , so gave me a building ground for when in that same year my mother got AZ , for a long few years those feeling came back while caring for my mother

    Now 5 years on , that now I just want to live

    I feel I will never have a life how it was before my father died & my mother got AZ , but I have a 2nd change to live how I want to live on earth, that I would never of got if I was dead if you get my point, I can not change what life has given to my mother with AZ seeing her suffer, I can only change myself
  3. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    Hello Lola
    Sorry that things have got you down so much and quite understandably so. What your experiencing is all part of the grieving process dealing still with the loss of your dear dad and also watching your mum slipping away, it does take it's toll.Dementia is a terrible disease that affects so many lives and at times it does seem hard to have any positive thoughts for the future but as sure as the daylight shines through each morning you will get your life on track once again,you'll start enjoying all the things you once did. Try not to worry about what the future will bring just take each day as it comes and deal with it the best way you can, don't be too hard on yourself or your friends as most times people do have sincere feelings, but the situation is in the, just to hard basket.My mum is also in a care home and when I leave it is always with a heavy heart, my dad is in very poor health and often reminds me that is time is up, so I try to just get through each day the best I can, accept what I can't change and hope to have enough courage and wisdom to change what I can.See all is not lost you get great comfort from your cat and the sun will shine for you once again, just try to have positive thoughts, I believe that lifes experiences have a purpose and maybe who knows one day we will call on all of this and be able to help someone else.HEAPS OF HUGS LOLA hang in there, try and think positive amongst all this misery.:) :) :) :)
  4. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    Have you tried asking your doctor about counselling? You only get a few sessions free on the NHS but it might help.


  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hi Lola,

    The burden of the worry about your parents is heavy on your shoulders and is really getting you down.

    Don`t be sorry for `going on a bit`. That`s what TP is for.

    However good friends are, they have to be very special to stay with you through this journey and understand your suffering. This is the beauty of TP, where everyone knows your suffering and no-one will become impatient or bored with it.

    The circle of life is birth, decay, death. It is expected that children outlive their parents. What is unexpected is the suffering children have to see their parents endure. No-one is prepared for the pain.

    You are another whose life is on hold. Your GP is right, you are doing well.

    If you are unable to have any pleasure from life whilst you are watching the slow decline of your mother, go with your emotions. It will end one day and you will be able to rebuild your life.

    If however you can reach a compromise , try hard to do just that. You are allowed some respite from worry and anxiety, but only you can give it to yourself. You are allowed some fun, it won`t be disloyal. I`m sure your mother would hate to know how unhappy you are.

    Return to the good friends you have, and when they ask how you are, tell them you`re coping. Then try to enjoy their friendship and their company.

    Please off load on TP any time you want. You will have a different category of friend here.

    With love xx
  6. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Sylvia, what a good response!

    Lola, I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. I can understand, and empathise. I think many of us feel that we are in limbo, that our lives are on hold.

    I can't add anything to Sylvia's response, she has said it all. Just don't feel you are alone. Post as often as you like, there will always be someone here to empathise and support.

  7. blue sea

    blue sea Registered User

    Aug 24, 2005
    Not much I can add to the other really helpful replies except to say I have been there, I know how you are feeling. Hang in there, take pleasure in the small moments of happiness, stroking your cat, appreciating a moment of sunshine. You understandably feel detached from your friends but I think it can help to stay in touch with a few, when you feel up to it. Be kind to yourself. Life is hard now but it will get better, in time.
    Blue sea
  8. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    Dear Lola,

    Everybody has said so much I agree with and like them, I can relate so much to what you're going through. My Mum too has the paranoid type of dementia and my dad is "winding down" (to put it tactfully) as he is very sick too. Watching one's loved ones deteriorate is a dreadful thing, but I suppose we wouldn't feel like that if we didn't love them so much, so I guess we have to find some consolation in that.

    As others have said there are small pleasures out there to be enjoyed and although I have very understanding friends, they don't really know how I feel and that is where TP is so valuable because everyone there is in a similar position and genuinely does know how we feel. We have a very special sort of friendship in TP and it is so valuable at times like this.

    I enjoy having a bit of a giggle with the threads in the Tea Room on TP, it just releases the pressure. As Sylvia says, you won't be disloyal by taking a few moments out for yourself.

    There is "light at the end of the tunnel" I am sure, but for most of us it is unfortunately a very long tunnel.

    Look after yourself....
  9. kazlou

    kazlou Registered User

    Feb 3, 2006
    Hi Lola,

    I too can understand how you are feeling at the moment. I lost my lovely father 18 months ago and miss him still. Mum has Alzheimer's and Vascular dementia and I know that I will lose her soon also.
    I think everyone here can understand what you are going through and have each tried to give you some excellent positive thoughts. As often said just take one day at a time, take enjoyment from the little things around you like your dear cat. Don't be hard on yourself, we are all here to help each other through the bad times.
    Big Hugs & Smiles.

  10. Lola

    Lola Registered User

    Jan 18, 2007
    thank you for all your replies. They really helped.

    I am sorry I'm not able to input much, it's very hard "staying" with all of this, I hope you aren't offended by me not being able to respond back very much.
  11. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    thank god for all those wonderful sanity-preserving, life-giving cats who live with us and offer so much joy and love :)

    it's hard when parents are ill and we lose them, but to feel you're losing both in such a short space of time is devastating. go easy on yourself Lola. I'm sure it's fine to be here when you feel you want to be and to go when you want to too.

    take care

  12. Lola

    Lola Registered User

    Jan 18, 2007

    thanks Aine :)
  13. maria29al

    maria29al Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006

    I understand exactly what you are going through. I lost my Dad last year in June and my Mum has AD and is deteriorating fast. I feel I lost both parents at once and its so very sad. I find that although I still miss Dad so much and still cry over Mums decline I am getting a little stronger as each day passes.
    I have 2 sisters but we dont really talk...all the stress of the last year has taken its toll on our relationship..strange but true..so I have lost 2 sisters too through it all.
    But..as I say...I feel stronger little by little..

    I just take each day as it comes and try to muddle through.

    I hope you start to feel a little better soon. You are doing well...

    Love and hugs

  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Lola, don`t apologize for anything. Talking Point is here to support you, and you must take from it what you need.

    The support is not conditional on your level of reciprocation. Please post whenever you need, and for whatever reason.

    Take care, and cope as best you can.

    Love xx

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