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Double the Trouble...

House Pixie

Registered User
Jun 9, 2015
Hi all,

Its my first time on here so go's.

First noticed something not right with MIL about 3years ago but around this time last year things got bad. She would lose her car while out shopping, sometimes forget where she lived etc etc.
She was also main carer for FIL who was in bad health.
Finally diagnosed last July.
Things seemed to go down hill fast and with hubby being an only child and us living next door too, life soon got very hard or so i thought.
Then the double whammy, FIL got it too.
He's now worse than her, double incontinent too.
With the help of a care package we are managing to keep them both at home but who knows for how long.
MIL now hates me and blames me for all these strange people invading her private space but if it hadn't of been for them i would of gone mad by now.

I do try to keep positive and laugh it off but its hard so very hard.

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
Toronto, Canada
My heart goes out to you, especially since your husband is an only child. It is so very hard with one person with dementia, I can't even begin to imagine what you and your husband are going through.

I think you should start looking at nursing homes, just so you'll know what is available. My sister and I did that at least a year before my mother went into her current home. I find it helps me to be able to weigh things up before I'm at a crisis point.


Registered User
Jul 14, 2014
North East
I've been there. Mam with vascular dementia and Dad with Alzheimers. Have I been such a terrible daughter to deserve this. We battled on for as long as we could. Mam went into care first and sadly died last year. Struggled on with Dad for a while but he is now in care. But it doesn't end there. Hardly anyone else visits so we feel we have to visit about 4 times a week. It's difficult trying to go away as no one else will be on hand if there was a crisis. My heart goes out to you. Be strong together but ensure that things don't come between you. Xx

House Pixie

Registered User
Jun 9, 2015
I have thought about homes but hubby won't entertain the idea. He seems to think we should care for them at home ourselves with help but even this is difficult. He doesn't realise the stress this courses for both MIL and me.
Living next door means she pops at least 20 to 30 times a day. Mainly in the morning, this must be her "sundowning". Got to a point where I sometimes lock the door just so I can get on with my own jobs. That sounds so awful.
Its not so much her needing help I can't cope with its the bad temper and the way she talks to me. Lost count of the times I've had thing thrown at me if what I'm doing isn't to her liking.
FIL on the other hand is completely different. He'll do anything I ask with a lot of help but never a bad word from him. He is in the later stages of this horrible thing though and their fore a lot easier to handle. If you know what I mean. No shouting, screaming etc.
Sometimes I wish she was like him. I know it would be a lot harder work for me but surely a lot less stressful.

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
Hello, House Pixie, and welcome to TP. Sorry you needed to find your way here, but glad you did; there are lovely people here and no end of advice, suggestions, and experience to be had.

I'm very sorry to hear about your stressful situation. I know there are others here who also provide live-in, or live-near, care to family members with dementia. I'm not one of them, so am not speaking from personal experience, but had a thought.

You say your husband doesn't want to discuss care homes, which I can understand. (It's generally not anyone's first choice, whether they are the person with dementia or a family member or friend. Also, sometimes people think they should never place a family member in a care home, perhaps due to an outdated idea or old promise that is no longer valid...but I digress.)

So my suggestion is that you go away for a couple of weeks, or, better yet, a month, to visit friends or family or just on holiday, and let your husband be in charge of all the caregiving. They are, after all, his parents. And then see how he feels about a care home!

I don't mean to be flippant, but you do have to consider what you will do, when what you are doing now no longer works. What would happen if you and your husband were suddenly no longer able to care for them, for whatever reason?