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Don't want to do it anymore

Andrea57

Registered User
Feb 15, 2020
66
Chesterfield
Hi looking for advice or if anyone has done this , it's just mum and me we live in the same home she has carers for personal care in the morning and a lunch call if you can call it that should be 30 mins today it was 20 mins , what is the point when I am here anyway. Any way I just feel that I don't want to do it anymore should I let her go in a care home ,she says she wants to but I and her cpn have said she will not be better off she will be worse the grass isn't always greener on the other side but now I am just sick of dealing with everything and everyone what would happen if I withdrew my care and input totally. My head wants to do it but my heart says no. Social worker is not much use even cpn says so. Thanks for listening.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,962
Kent
Hello @Andrea57. You are the only one who can make this decision and I can see how much you are arguing with yourself.

Neither the Social worker nor the CPN can help you decide. They do not dare leave themselves open to blame if anything went wrong.

From where I sit, the majority of transitions to care homes are successful. Also from where I sit a large number of carers find it difficult to get rid of the guilt.

There comes a time when meeting the needs of many people with dementia is too much to ask of any single carer. In the same way, many people with dementia show improved conditions when cared for in a professional environment with improved social interaction.

I think you can tell the decisions I made for residential care for my mother and my husband worked out well. Why should they not work for you.
 

Andrea57

Registered User
Feb 15, 2020
66
Chesterfield
Hello @Andrea57. You are the only one who can make this decision and I can see how much you are arguing with yourself.

Neither the Social worker nor the CPN can help you decide. They do not dare leave themselves open to blame if anything went wrong.

From where I sit, the majority of transitions to care homes are successful. Also from where I sit a large number of carers find it difficult to get rid of the guilt.

There comes a time when meeting the needs of many people with dementia is too much to ask of any single carer. In the same way, many people with dementia show improved conditions when cared for in a professional environment with improved social interaction.

I think you can tell the decisions I made for residential care for my mother and my husband worked out well. Why should they not work for you.
Thank you I get what you are saying I have just had it and don't want to make those decisions I may sound cold hearted and ruthless but that's not the case totally the opposite fed up of crying over things and feeling like this. Maybe I should women up and let her go,if she doesn't like it she can always come home. Suppose it is all the emotions of its getting near to end not just the dementia. thanks for your advice , Andrea.
 

Claireyeddy

Registered User
Sep 21, 2020
35
I know it sounds absolutely cliche, but this is what I said to my own mother when my grandmother needed a higher level of care, and now find myself saying to my father in a similar position to you: you also need to look after your own health. I know it is very easy to say (as my Dad frequently tells me) but ultimately, if you can't continue doing what you're doing then it wont be good for either of you. I for one minute don't think you need to 'woman up', I think what you feel is natural and normal, and you're clearly doing what you feel is best for your mother - just please don't forget to consider yourself in the mix too x
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
440
@Andrea57 You sound like you have had enough, all I would say is “ could you cope with six months of very limited visiting?” If you can, then go for it, mum will settle and you can rest and start living. I think when you look after a parent at home it consumes you bit by bit. If I didn’t have my son at home I would go stir crazy, and at least my mum can still
get out and about a bit.
The only other thing is how about a couple of weeks respite. I know she will be in isolation but isn’t she in that at home? You need rest and relaxation and you are worn out!!
The professionals don’t have a team of one that deals with it 24/7 !! A couple of carer visits are helpful but will not give you the real rest you need.
If you get a chance go forage a good strong stick to hit the guilt monster with should he arrive
 

Andrea57

Registered User
Feb 15, 2020
66
Chesterfield
I know it sounds absolutely cliche, but this is what I said to my own mother when my grandmother needed a higher level of care, and now find myself saying to my father in a similar position to you: you also need to look after your own health. I know it is very easy to say (as my Dad frequently tells me) but ultimately, if you can't continue doing what you're doing then it wont be good for either of you. I for one minute don't think you need to 'woman up', I think what you feel is natural and normal, and you're clearly doing what you feel is best for your mother - just please don't forget to consider yourself in the mix too x
Thank you I will try .
 

Andrea57

Registered User
Feb 15, 2020
66
Chesterfield
@Andrea57 You sound like you have had enough, all I would say is “ could you cope with six months of very limited visiting?” If you can, then go for it, mum will settle and you can rest and start living. I think when you look after a parent at home it consumes you bit by bit. If I didn’t have my son at home I would go stir crazy, and at least my mum can still
get out and about a bit.
The only other thing is how about a couple of weeks respite. I know she will be in isolation but isn’t she in that at home? You need rest and relaxation and you are worn out!!
The professionals don’t have a team of one that deals with it 24/7 !! A couple of carer visits are helpful but will not give you the real rest you need.
If you get a chance go forage a good strong stick to hit the guilt monster with should he arrive
Hi I have explained as much possible to mum about the issolation period and probably no visits also there is no chance of having a conversation with her on the phone because of hearing loss,no facetime cause she can't see but she still thinks it will be better in a home so I have said to her fine you want to go do that's what we will do if she likes it then good if not she can come home,why does loving someone have to be so complicated and stressful? I have started the ball rolling now I bet she changes her mind now , that's my mum for you😅
 

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