Don't want this question to offend

[mandyp]

I appreciate that for religious reasons etc some people will not agree with what I'm about to say....I don't mean to offend anyone.

After spending some time in hospital, Mum is now in a home. It's been really hard on Dad and I. Mostly Dad though. I'm happier with her in there because it's eased the pressure on Dad and his health. He doesn't see it that way.

I'd like Dad to get some sort of life back (not forget Mum, nothing like that), but he's not an old man. Already he's being invited to parties etc by friends of him and Mum and isn't keen to go without a partner (he is going). He also likes going for a meal/theatre etc. As a family we all go out as often as possible together.

Am I really awful to wish he could find someone that he could holiday with, enjoy life with. I've suggested it (so that he knows that I'm not going to stand in the way of anything). He's not ready just now, but may be at some point.

Really I just wondered how other people found this stage, if anyone does indeed have a second chance at happiness etc.

Please realise I don't want to forget Mum/leave her or anything like that, I'd just like Dad to have a life after caring for her for so long. I don't feel that it's like an 'affair' or betrayal to Mum (I appreciate that some people might though).

Thanks

 

[Onlyme]

I know what you mean about your Dad having a life but there is a part of me that would be horified if my OH did this to me when my time came. I suppose its the selfish bit of me that thinks that those that are married should stick it out until the end, but then again if you love someone you would let them go to live their life.

Dementia of whatever type it takes is so hard to cope with. In body your Mum is still here in this world but her mind has moved on to a new place we can't enter. We grieve for what may have been but have to live with the here and now and the sometimes empty shell that our loved one inhabited.

If your Mum had an illness that allowed her to decide what would she have wanted? I hope your Dad finds a new lease of life now he can share your mother's care with the home.

 

[lin1]

Hello Mandyp

I fully understand, also its good you have spoken to your dad, this way he knows that if he finds a friend ,dad knows you will not be upset .

However It may be that your dad feels differently and may well do so for a long time ,

I have not spoke to my dad about this ,but like you I want my dad to be happy.

 

[sue38]

Mandy I think that's a wonderful positive attitude to have. Of course it's up to your dad, but he knows he has your blessing to start to live a little again, if and when he feels the time is right.

 

[bigtom]

Hi Mandyp,I have always had a girlfriend from being 15 years old now 67 and i have been with sylvia 49 years married for 45 years i to at times feel very lonely at times, i have a lot of female friends i have always got on with women as i treat them the same as i treat male friends some have hinted they would like to be more than a friend, but i have told them thank you but no thanks i am married to sylvia and i took my vows to syl on the day we married to be for life,and it will stay this way untill one of us pass"s away although syl is now nothing like the girl a took for my bride all those years ago.

 

[Izzy]

Hi Mandy. I can totally understand what you say. If it was me I would want that for my dad. I know he has to be comfortable with what he wants but at least he knows how you feel. x

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Hello Mandy,
I've actually gone through your situation. My mother was diagnosed nearly 10 years ago now and I had moved her from British Columbia because my stepfather could no longer cope with her.

He did come visit her when she was first here and he and I were in regular contact by telephone. After a year or so, he quietly raised the possibility of his going out in the social world again. I very quickly and firmly told him that if the chance of happiness with a friend or more than a friend presented itself, he should grab it with both hands. I don't think he ever got involved with anyone but I do think it reassured him that I was in his corner, as was my sister.

It's a very personal decision but letting your father know he has your approval is a positive thing.

If I were in my mother's situation, I assume my husband would do the same. It is possible to love more than one person at a time. Of course, if people don't agree, that's a perfectly valid point of view also.

 

[Skye]

Mandy, I really think you need to back off now, and give your dad space to make his own decisions.

It's fine that you've let him know how you feel, but it's a very personal decision. If it doesn't feel right for your dad, you should respect that. He might change his mind if he meets someone he gets on well with.

I certainly couldn't have had a relationship while John was alive, though I did go out with friends. Not for religious reasons, just out of respect for my husband.

Please let your dad take things in his own time.

 

[sussexsue]

I think the positive here is that you are talking about things - something I consider very healthy.

I suspect the reality is that your Dad would not be able to move on whilst your mum is alive, but it is good for him to know that if he found friendship elsewhere, then you would not be standing in his way.

It is clear that you only want what is best for your Dad and I applaud you for that.

Sue

 

[Brucie]

I appreciate that for religious reasons etc some people will not agree with what I'm about to say....I don't mean to offend anyone.

After spending some time in hospital, Mum is now in a home. It's been really hard on Dad and I. Mostly Dad though. I'm happier with her in there because it's eased the pressure on Dad and his health. He doesn't see it that way.

I'd like Dad to get some sort of life back (not forget Mum, nothing like that), but he's not an old man. Already he's being invited to parties etc by friends of him and Mum and isn't keen to go without a partner (he is going). He also likes going for a meal/theatre etc. As a family we all go out as often as possible together.

Am I really awful to wish he could find someone that he could holiday with, enjoy life with. I've suggested it (so that he knows that I'm not going to stand in the way of anything). He's not ready just now, but may be at some point.

Really I just wondered how other people found this stage, if anyone does indeed have a second chance at happiness etc.

Please realise I don't want to forget Mum/leave her or anything like that, I'd just like Dad to have a life after caring for her for so long. I don't feel that it's like an 'affair' or betrayal to Mum (I appreciate that some people might though).

This is something that only your Dad can contemplate.

There are no rights or wrongs, only what he, in the context of his relationship with your Mum, can consider.

Frequently the last thing that someone in his position will want is to be in company. On the other hand, it may be something he is desperate for.

Partly things will depend on the stage your Mum is at.

Things in this sort of situation cannot be contrived. They may happen, providentially, or they may not. I'm a believer in fate and if things are meant to happen, they will, and nobody has the right to say anything at all if they do, for your Dad.

The key thing is that your Mum's needs are first and foremost. That must always be the case, because she has no choice, and I'm sure your Dad would always ensure that was so.

You have done exactly the right thing.

 

[florence43]

Dear Mandy,

Hi! I think you've been very brave to have posted this and you have put it as sensitively as you can, under the circumstances. It's a really tough one and so subjective, which is why posting it will bring many varied responses (and I can tell you're prepared for that!). It's really made me think too.

And I still don't know if I have or can have an opinion. I've tried to think of my mum and dad, then my husband and I, then your parents, all of whom are different.

I can see both sides too. In sickness and in health was my initial thought, then if you love them, let them go. I think if were me, caring for my husband, I could never be with anyone else. I love him now, and will love him even after he's gone. I don't know if I could ever love another. Maybe the strength of that is also what's preventing your dad from even thinking of anyone else. This would possibly be the case a long time after he's lost her too.

But if you think of it another way, I'm desperately sad about what this disease is doing to my mum, and I'm young (39) and could / should be leading a very different life to the one I've been handed. But the fact remains that I could step away from mum and think of my own happiness by "replacing" her with another mother-figure. Because I can certainly say I want one. I want my mum. I deserve happiness. I know it's not the same, but emotionally it's very close. I can't operate anyway, when mum's on my mind all the time. So to imagine trying to forge another relationship that comes close to ours (as would be the case for a husband and wife) is impossible. My mind will always be consumed with thoughts of mum, no matter what I do. I think it's par for the course with this illness.

So I can see that you care very deeply for your dad and that you want him to be happy. It must break your heart that your poor mum is so ill, and that's bad enough, but to watch your dad suffer physically and emotionally too. It's awful. You're trying to see if there is a possible best outcome for them both, but in my opinion (and this is totally subjective), I don't think it's possible. I think your dad, like many dads, mums, daughters and sons just have to live with the illness as their loved ones do.

I would always put my husband's happiness above mine, and if I died young, I'd want him to go on and find love again. Yet...if I was still alive, but slipping away over a long period of time, I honestly can't say if I'd feel that. Just don't know. But I suspect your dad does.

Do take care. You have a very difficult situation and I sympathise very much.

Sending love,

 

[sistermillicent]

hi mandyp,
How strange that I have been thinking this very thing today, just briefly. My mum is in respite for the first time and dad has just been invited out to lunch by one of her friends. Here's me thinking oh my god what if he remarries. Jumping the gun I know, but it was the first time it crossed my mind as a possibility.

I thought about it and feel that he has an absolute right to do whatever he wants, I have had to do a lot of caring etc this last year and am really more worried about him than her. Like you I want him to get his life back. I am moving too fast for him though, and realise that it is all in due course, and I can't tell him how to feel.

I think your dad needs time more than anything else, Much though you may want him to be a happy dad again he can;t do that straight away, I know one thing though and that is that you are being a lovely daughter to him.

xxxxxxx

 

[christine_batch]

After Peter passed away age 62 with Alzheimers. He was my soul mate.

My eldest daughter wanted me to find happiness with someone who would love me and care for me as Peter had.

Peter was a very special man and no one can replace him but I do know that if I changed my mind, my family would support me in what ever decision I make.

Christine

 

[BeckyJan]

My husband is in late stage and I do now go out in mixed social groups. I have no desire to find a new man whilst I still love my husband very deeply. Many years ago both my daughters gave me 'permission' to do so if I wished.

Please encourage your Dad to find a new life but please understand he can have a full and interesting time without necessarily involving himself with another woman.

 

[Necion]

Hi Mandy,
Of course you want your dad to enjoy his life, that's only natural. I feel you are being very sensible thinking about this, and I realise you mean no disrespect to your mum.

I understand your question to be that you would like to see your dad (eventually) with a friend, perhaps more than one, who could partner him at functions, theatre, having a nice meal out etc? Nowhere in your post do I read that you are 'matchmaking' or expecting your dad...and I'm calling a spade a spade here...to get hold of a woman, jump into bed with her, set up house together and give her total control over his life!!

It's entirely possible to have a close friend of the opposite sex, who is good company, easy to talk to, and perhaps have had similar experiences, who can empathise and support, who may only want the same in return, and part with a handshake at the end of the evening. If anything more develops over 5, 10 or 20 years, well, they are adults, and able to make their own choices.

Nobody would say a thing if dad had a pall who he met at the pub, football match, golf club, bingo etc. There does not have to be a sexual relationship between 2 people for them to enjoy a friendship.

I agree, let dad get on with it at his own speed, and of course he may be happy to have the memory of his love as his constant companion. For now, I think it is admirable that your dad is going out and keeping in touch with friends. When he is with friends of him & mums, I'd make a guess that she is still there with him, in his heart, so no rush at all.
Love to you all, Necion. x

 

[TinaT]

My sons have also told me that they would understand and support me if I did form another relationship with a male whilst Ken is as he is. They understand how very lonely life can be without your lifelong partner and have told me to go ahead if this is what I wish. I do admit that I'm lonely for some of the time every day.

I'm very lucky in that I have a very small number of very dear friends, all of them female who I would go out on special occasions with. I do have male family who I love dearly and a few very trusted male friends who I work with in a voluntary capacity and that satifies my need for companionship.

I've actually just got in from going for a meal and a visit to the cinema with one of my female friends. I don't go out very often and really only to the cinema with this friend about once every 8 weeks, but have now learned to enjoy this very much. It took me a long time to accept that I would have to go out with someone other than my husband. We had been so close throught all of our adult life and never went anywhere without each other.

I have built up a life where I'm very busy during the day. But I still come home to an empty house each evening and have asked myself the question would I be happier if I did find someone else to share my life with?

I do not think that I could give my love to someone else and I doubt that at my stage in life anyone would be willing to love me in the way I need. With me it isn't just a question of honouring my marriage vows, I still love only one man and that is Ken, my husband. As long as he is alive I know I have love in that special way and that I can only share this with him.

I do find that I hate parties and family gatherings nowadays and will wriggle out of attending them whenever I can. I hate being there without Ken. I love it when my family come to visit me singly or in twos but when we are all together, I feel like a fish out of water.

I don't think this is something that you can ease your dad into. He has to feel some sort of comfort within himself before inviting others into his life. He will form a new kind of life for himself when he is ready. It could be in an infinate number of ways other than finding a new love in his life. But it will take time and he will gradually learn to live in a different way than before.


I hope that your father can find some companionship from others, whether it is as a new intimate relationship, or on a companionship or friendship basis. He cannot have his time back again but maybe he will find some form of compromise in his life which will give him some comfort. It just may not be in the usual way of finding another lifelong companion.

xxTinaT

 

[glass lady]

I think that your dad should be encouraged to have friends but he also needs time to grieve for his wife before going any further than friends. I care for my mum who is no longer mentally with us but at times I have to grieve for the mother I have lost the helper and adviser. Support your dad in the decision to put your mom in a home he will feel guilty however justified he is we all go through it and help him rebuild his life with platonic friends of both sexs after all you can have fun and go on holiday without having to have a sexual relationship and that way he will feel less guilty when finally it is the time to lay your mother to rest.

glasslady

 

[Pads71]

Hi

I am in this situation, my mum has alzheimer's (60) and she has been in a CH for a year, my Dad (61) has a girlfriend who he met the month before mum went into CH. (dating website!!) He spends all his time with GF and visits mum once maybe twice a week. CH is 5 mins away from his house.

I can only say that this has been totally upsetting for me and my sister to understand and cope with, mums still alive they have been married 40 years!

I understand it's lonely and that he is young and needs a life!

It's a tough one to call, friendship is so important to help you get through this awful illness.

but in sickness and in health