1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

dont send me flowers,give me the roses now

Discussion in 'Younger people with dementia and their carers' started by icare2, Nov 5, 2006.

  1. icare2

    icare2 Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    84
    scotland
    #1 icare2, Nov 5, 2006
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2006
    hi all,you soon get to know who your real friends are,I am including what you thought like me were very good friends family and mates,but as soon as you have got real problems or great needs you you can count them on on one hand,I am lucky that I have a a wonderful Daughter and 2 great sons,and one sister out of my immediate family,also just 1 sister from my wifes own family(and she has 8 other sisters)that never come near..to be honest I have more help and support from strangers,and the good friends I have met on here ATP



    well theres nothing as queer as folk..



    most of them are Church goers and God they need it to help them through there selfish lives
     
  2. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Yes, the dropping off of support (esp. by family) is very hard to take. As you say, you are lucky some of your family are great. Some on this site don't even have that. I am personally blessed in my sisters, but others have been less "helpful"!!
    Try to avoid feeling bitter. (It only means "they" are winning!)
    Thinking of you and mentally sending you roses!
    Nell:)
     
  3. perfectpatience

    perfectpatience Registered User

    Oct 3, 2006
    64
    Essex
    #3 perfectpatience, Nov 5, 2006
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2006
    I get so upset

    Hi all. Know exactly how you feel. My mum is so poorly now but has always been a lovely kind lady. She loved her family...including nephews and neices..children of her brothers and sister. One of her nephews in particular (my cousin) has always been her favourite. She worshipped the ground he walked on...and I thought he felt the same. I can honestly say since she has been in a care home...and now laying very ill in hospital...my cousin has never visited ONCE. I get so hurt for her. There are many in my family like this I hasten to add....so yes Iam bitter. Iam hurt and upset that they have no time for her...yet she had all the time in the world for them. Iam trying to think like Nell said...and not let it get to me....(as it means they are winning) but it is so hard. Does this mean at her funeral.....everyone will want to show up.....yet no one came when she needed them most.? Iam sorry for sounding so bitter....I cant help it. Love PP xx
     
  4. cynron

    cynron Registered User

    Sep 26, 2005
    429
    east sussex
    No visits

    I too have one particular in-law to my husband who has just not shown any support he was the husband of Rons sister whom died in a car accident.I know if the situation was reversed my husband would be there for him.We both looked after him at the time of the accident. He has remarried and his wife is a christian!!She also shows no concern.I find it very hurtful but have decided I can do without them and to concentrate on those who do care.

    regards Cynron x x
     
  5. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Hi Icare2.

    Just want to send you the biggest bunch of roses…

    Throughout the years when mum’s been hospitalised etc it has driven me to distraction that the phone has barely stopped ringing with aunts and uncles, family friends etc checking to see how she was…. In hindsight now I appreciate that they cared - about her and me - and shouldn‘t have complained….…… Alz is mooted - NOT ONE has rung in over six months…… !!!!

    I’ve been rambling away on another thread about the need for me to register mum’s EPA - and one of the things I’m furious at it that *I* will have to contact family with notification of my intention ….. You know, those people who in theory are closest to her ….. You just watch all those who don’t give a damned come scurrying out the woodwork the minute financial matters are mentioned….. (sorry to be such a cynic).

    Sure, I’m cross and angry (including for my dad (RIP) who would be furious to think his own family have turned their backs on me and mum - although I have to admit mum has ostracised herself from some in the past for various reasons) but I find solace in believing that the reason for their ‘distancing’ themselves is that they are frightened of the unknown and don‘t want to confront it. Well me too! But some of us - like you - are brave enough to learn! Sad for them they're not.

    Stay brave!

    When it comes to dementia my ‘family’ is the TP one - like any other, lots of different personalities and views - but this one sticks together and supports each other, whatever differences… if only ‘real life’ were like that?

    Much love, Karen, x
     
  6. MrsP

    MrsP Registered User

    Mar 19, 2005
    115
    Hi to all

    I often find myself moaning to my husband about my brother's lack of interest - it's been about 2 years since he's seen Dad and phone calls are about once a year. I keep telling my brother that you never know how long you have.... Dad's already forgotten my children's names and is slowly deteriorating. I know I'm by no means perfect and don't visit as often as I should (unfortunately some distance, not easy with new baby in tow), but I make sure I phone him and his carer often.

    I don't know if the lack of interest is more a fear of not knowing what to say and how to act; our Dad is not quite the same any more, doesn't quite follow a conversation properly, speech isn't easy............ Don't think my brother knows how to cope with it.

    Family have thankfully been absolutely fantastic, which is wonderful for him. Friends, on the other hand, have deserted him entirely. After Dad's diagnosis I e-mailed a work collegue of his to ask if people would just jot down a memory or two they had of Dad, to give him as a keepsake. He had been working at the same company for over 10 years. Not one person replied.

    So, I was so pleased to find this site 2 years ago- if only to have someone to say "I feel really sad", and for someone to reply and say "that's ok, me too".

    Love Kate x.
     
  7. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    i am going to moan about so called family

    At the end of the day i think no one under stands about dementia better than the TP family
    my family like i think a lot of the other people think its down to old age
    my sisters in laws just think its memory --
    thank goodnes for TP
    LOVE BEL X
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,581
    Kent
    My sister gives me telephone support, as she lives in the North West and I live in the South East, but she can`t understand why I`m not trying to palm my husband off to anyone who will take him. She actually said if she were in the same position, the first thing she`d do, on diagnosis, would see how much help was available. That would be her priority.

    I know the time will come when I will need help, and then I`ll ask, but until then, I`ll do what I have to do, and what I want to do.

    We don`t have a choice, but if I did, I`d rather be the carer than the one who needed caring for.
     
  9. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    We don`t have a choice, but if I did, I`d rather be the carer than the one who needed caring for.
    Grannie G

    "How I would endorse those words." Just try to fit in their shoes, I KNOW I COULD NOT DO IT> So we go on, doing what we can , whilst we can.

    Whoever said "life would be easy.............come on, we can all rise to the challenge, whatever it may be.

    Love
     
  10. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    palm husband off

    i know what you are saying about your sister they do not understand
    according to my family --not my children
    once the mind has gone ----my hubby bless him is not well but he is a person and still gives a laugh and plessure to some people
    i will keep on going with out palming him off for as long as i can
    sending love bel x
     
  11. MrsP

    MrsP Registered User

    Mar 19, 2005
    115
    #11 MrsP, Nov 9, 2006
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2006
    Hi to all

    I cannot say how much I admire all of you who say you won't "palm them off"; my Dad's wife couldn't wait to wash her hands of him. Not that I'm bitter..........................

    Kate x.

    P.S did anyone see the episode of "Doctors" a few days ago which had an early onset AD story? Sorry, got used to daytime soaps while on maternity leave!!
     
  12. Grommit

    Grommit Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    2,127
    Doncaster
    Can I have a moan as well

    My sister, whose back garden adjoins mine, is a lay preacher and, since 2002 when my wife was diagnosed, has not been any where near the house and yet has received much praise from the "Christian" community for helping a druggy off the habit.

    The lady next door, who is a Hindu with 2 kids and has little time to spare, makes me the most marvellous curries, asks after my wife and is always ready to listen.

    Odd, isn't it.
     
  13. icare2

    icare2 Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    84
    scotland
    #13 icare2, Nov 10, 2006
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2006
    why not report her to her church,as a false person

    why do you not report her to her church,as a false person as she is not acting in the true christian faith..and I also have had Muslim and Hindu friends showing more interest in my wife and my family as the supposed Christian friends and family I thought i had as well..
     
  14. MrsP

    MrsP Registered User

    Mar 19, 2005
    115
    I'm by no means a religious person, but I do find it amazing that people of any faith can abandon you at the time you most need support. Grommit, I'm stunned at the actions of your sister- have you ever confronted her about how hurt you are? Or do you now feel that you don't want her support anyway?

    Love, Kate x.
     
  15. Grommit

    Grommit Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    2,127
    Doncaster
    Hi Mrs.P

    Sorry i am not a confrontational sort of person. I don't have either the time or the inclination to tackle that sort of problem. I am trying to work out if it is cowardice, "I've enough on my plateology" or sheer apathy where I could not care less how family and friends react.

    Trouble is, I feel that my attitude may lead to a complete disregard of other folk and am in danger of becoming isolated, although I can still differentiate between friend and foe at the moment.
     
  16. MrsP

    MrsP Registered User

    Mar 19, 2005
    115
    Dear Grommit

    I know how you feel; I complain on here about things but haven't the bottle to shout it out to the poeple who really need to hear it!!

    As you mentioned, you seem to have a kind friend in the lady next door, and from here it looks as if you value that- I wouldn't say you were apathetic, just sensible to disregard those who aren't supportive.

    Take care, love Kate x.
     

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