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Don't know which way to turn


Registered User
Jul 13, 2014
Mum has vasc dementia and Alz very advanced and now physically very weak to the point she needs help to stand up and can do nothing for herself. Dad is her full time carer and struggling at age 88 to cope. We only have morning carer to get mum washed and dressed other than that I increasingly give mum and dad more and more help. Dad is talking about a care home for mum, something I always resisted BUT don't know how much more I can give them. Recently bought a wheelchair access car to enable me and mum to get out more and she's been out 5 times in last fortnight, then today informs me she's not been out for a month and is fed up! I already do their washing, cleaning, shopping, some meals, all appointments etc and try to interact with mum every day. I give dad regular breaks. If after all this mum still feels unhappy, talking about moving, moaning about her meals, dad, carers etc would it be better to go down the home route I wonder? No point extra carers going into them as it just causes dad grief afterwards, we've tried that one.


Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
Leswi, my personal experience is that there comes a time when you have to accept you can keep them safe but you can't make them happy. The illness steals happiness, like a dementor. (Not for nothing did JK Rowling name them thus.) Your mum will probably continue to fret in a home, but you and your dad will be in better shape.


Registered User
Apr 8, 2012
If you do decide to place Mum in a residential home, just keep in the back of your mind the very things you have said, you have taken her out a lot lately and then she tells you she has not been out for a month, once in the Care home she will not remember how long she has been there. I know as my Mum is just the same.

Chin up and remember life is short, you have a life too.


Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
SW London
Leswi, my personal experience is that there comes a time when you have to accept you can keep them safe but you can't make them happy.
Agree 100%. My mother was never really happy in her CH, but then she had not been happy at home, either, and I know she would never have been really happy anywhere. She was so often fretting or anxious, usually about things that were either only in her head, or that she could not even name, and I'm afraid it would have been the same anywhere.


Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
West Hertfordshire
I think that if your dad is talking about a care home for his wife, then you best line of support I to support him in that decision and take him looking for suitable placements.

It must take enormous guts to make a decision like that- looking will help him decide if its what he really wants for her.

Give him a big hug from all of us. xx