Dont Know Where TO Start!

[joyportsmouth]

Hi All
This is the first time ive posted here,though ive been visiting for the last few weeks.
Im going to go on a bit now so i apolagise in advance.
I first noticed my mum was having memory problems about 3 years ago,she did as well as she said the doctor had said it was due to her diabetes tablets.After about a year i spoke to the warden (she was in sheltred accomadation} who had also noticed,we tried for about 6 months to get help from someone,IE doctors social services ect,but without mums consent we could do nothing.She wouldt admit there was a problem.I noticed she was getting a lot worse,not changing clothes,not washing, not eating and forgetting diabetes tablets ect.The doctor came out one time and noticed she was asking the same questions and referred her to the mental health team,who sent a doctor to do an assesment and then a ental health nurse would cme out every 2/3 weeks for about 20 mins,and said well she seems to be doing ok just a bit depressed.
In january my dad died{they seperated 15 yrs ago}and from the day after she seemed to go down hill rapidly,phoning me all hours of the night thinking she was dumped a t a holiday camp,why hadnt my dad gone to get her ECT sure you all no what i mean.STILL no one done anything,even the warden {a new one}was getting concerned as she was wandering round the building at night looking for entertainment.She ended up in hospital with a broken arm and i had to plead with them to do some tests,as they still thought she could cope at home,despite the fact that she thought the hospital was a holicay camp,kept asking were she could buy postcards.She ended up spending 6 weeks in hospital,while social services sorted things out.They diagnosed Vascular Dementia and she has now gone into a EMI residental home.
Thing is i feel so cheated by the system,if something had been done before maybe she would still be living independantly.She never wanted to go in a home,she always said that.I feel so guilty that i havent been to see her yet,shes been there a week now.My daughter has been and said she seems ok,on a boat now.
I feel like ive lost my mum already and if i go it will be to visit a stranger.
Thanks for reading i feel a bit better for writing it all down.
JOY

 

[Kayla]

Dear Joy,
My Mum also has vascular dementia and you have my every sympathy. I doubt that an earlier diagnosis would have made that much difference, as there don't seem to be any drugs to treat this type of dementia. The doctors may prescribe anti-depressants or anti-psychotic drugs, but these only control the symptoms, rather than actually treat the disease itself.
I did think I had come to terms with my Mum being in a Nursing Home, but I don't really think I'll ever accept or understand it. At least when the professionals are looking after her, I know that there is somebody there all the time and her medication is taken safely, at the correct times.
The routine and having people around all the time seem to help, but Mum still gets confused about where she is. I'm thankful that I no longer have sole responsibility and the NH are taking good care of Mum.
I did find her hallucinations were frightening and distressing, but now these are more benevolent and seem to offer her some comfort. Feel free to PM me if you want to.
Best wishes
Kayla

 

[connie]

Joy, thank you for posting so openly about your mum, and how you feel.
I am so sorry you find yourself in this position, and that you feel you and mum have not had all the help that maybe you should. As I say, sorry.

This is now. Mum is in a care home, obviously she could no longer be in her old accommodation, and hopefully she will soon settle. Please visit your mum as soon as you can. She is still mum, and it may help you to come to terms with the situation. Never easy I know. Please forgive me if I have spoken out of turn.

 

[joyportsmouth]

Hi
Thanks for replying.
Kayla, I do feel more relaxed knowing she is being properly cared for in a secure unit,but at the same time i feel guilty as i feel relived that it isint only my problem now.Do you know what i mean by that? She has only hallucinated once ot twice not nasty things either,she just seems to laugh a lot but its not a nice laugh. Sorry dont know what PM means.


Connie
Of course you never spoke out of turn,im grateful for your reply.I know i have to visit her and of course i will .I just hope shes confused and doesnt realise where she is,dont mean that to sound tthe way it does.

Its so nice to have peple to talk to who actully understand what this feels like,people are sympathetic but they dont know what its like.

 

[cynron]

Pm

Joy. PM means to send a private message to another carer. Rather than post in public like now.

Cynron x x

 

[joyportsmouth]

Thanks,first time ive gone on a forum.......shouldve asked one of my kids they would no.

 

[Kayla]

Dear Joy,
Don't feel guilty. The staff in your mother's home are trained professionals and they know what to do for the best. They also have the advantage of only working their shift and then going home. The staff in Mum's NH work a rota system, so they take turns in the dementia unit and the nursing section. At least they come fresh into the situation each day. I think Mum is as happy as she can be.
Kayla

 

[susiewoo]

The feelings you have expressed are normal. we feel guilty that we have had to place our loved ones in a home but also relieved that the weight of care has been lifted from us. There are times when I dread visiting my Mum as I know it will upset me and sometimes I am just not able to cope with it. Other days I get such pleasure in seeing her smiling and being able to talk to me albeit complete nonsense.
This is not a change that you can adjust to overnight and you have to deal with things as they happen. I feel that some balance is coming back in my life but know there will be many many tears to come but hopefully some smiles too.
It does really help reading all the posts and gleaning knowledge that might help in the future.