dont know what to subjest

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by gillianshack, Nov 22, 2006.

  1. gillianshack

    gillianshack Registered User

    ITs hard when i didnt know what to recommend to dad.Mum's becoming thrustrated towards dad ,dad his becoming tired of repeating himself.Why mum cant withdrawl money from her bank account anymore , she demanding money that all their savings belong to her .We have just recently stop my mum having to much mum,because it's got to the stages where mum doesn't no where and how she has spent the money i dont no what to subjest to make mum happier. As any body got and ideas what might help?
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    ... Ive moved your post to here, where you should get more replies....
  3. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi Gillianshack
    mum went through this phase of needing to have plenty of money......I think my dad didn't know how to handle it because when he died we found a large amount in her handbag!!!
    I used to tell her" we'll go to the bank tomorrow" or" its safer in the bank than in your handbag" and that was usually ok.....until the next day and I'd say the same thing again.
    As far as savings being just hers it may be easier to just agree.....hard and frustrating I know
    love xx
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Gillianshack. Money seems to be the final claim to independence for dementia sufferers. I have experienced it with my grandmother, my father, my mother, my neighbour and now, my husband.

    All were very independent and self sufficient people. All managed their finances, paid their bills on time, kept within a tight budget, all their lives. Then came a time they were no longer able to understand finance so well, and it was taken out of their hands.

    Because we have a joint account, the Bank has agreed to contact me if my husband withdraws an unusually large amount, and I now get a weekly statement, at no extra cost.
  5. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    When it comes to money ....

    Dear Gillian,

    Mum (believing at the mo she has had her bank cards only temporarily withdrawn) is beside herself because 'she has no money' - (although I've made sure from my own funds she has more cash in her purse and around the house than is probably sensible for a vulnerable person).

    I have been going through old bank statements and realised (should have done much earlier) that she has managed to draw something like £500 cash per month .... ... never questioned it ... her money after all ... and I know she occasionally has a mad shopping spree with a friend (usually on nonsense that she subsequently gives away ......) but until I saw your's and Mel's post I am starting to wonder ... what IS this about having money???? Why is it she seems obsessed?

    I've wondered at her 'deprivation' in childhood (single parented in the 1930s/evacuation in war years..... etc etc) Is it a 'security thing'? A 'throwback'?Or just that her last semblance of independence seems to have now been eroded?

    (When my grandmother died (mum's mum - aged 62 of cancer and as far as I am aware no dementia issues) an extraordinary amount of cash was found stashed in drawers .....?????)

    Sorry, no answers, not even suggestions...... just that I'm as puzzled and at times exasperated as you and your dad must be as to what to do for the best,

    Love, Karen, x
  6. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    It puzzled me too:confused: Mum always handled the family finances and kept the books for a self-employed mechanic...she was brill at it! I think Sylvia is right ....its that last bit of independence.....When my brother got EPA for mum she was still obsessed with not having enough money to pay bills and worried non stop that she'd be sent to the workhouse despite our constant reassurances........interestingly when I visited a residential EMI unit recently a frail old lady was crying when the tea trolley came round......she said she didn't have any money to buy a cup of tea......the carer hugged her and reassured her but it was so sad.
    When i found the large sum of money in her bag(and other places) I explained to her I would put it in the bank to keep it safe. i left her with enough (as I thought).....she's still got it.....despite her keep giving it away to me,the kids,my brother.......we just slip it back into her purse!!
  7. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Gillian

    It seems to be a bit of a common thing. Since mum became ill she has hugged her handbag constantly, putting it under the pillow at night. She was still visiting the PO every week to collect her pension (no way would she have it put into the bank) until about 3 months before she went into the NH.

    When we recently cleared out her home ready for the dreaded sale to fund the NH fees, we found literaly hundreds of pounds stashed in all sorts of places, inside picture frames (found by accident!!), in shoes, old handbags, you name, she'd thought of it. We knew she must have it somewhere because she spent very little, but didn't have the heart to challenge her about it. Sometimes if we found cash when cleaning, we simply took it to the bank for her and said nothing.

    I think a lot of it is a generation 'thing' she wouldn't go to the doctor because she wouldn't pay, it after all cost 2/6p! We eventually persuaded her that home GP visits to the over 80s were free!! She still hugs her handbag to her chest all day in the NH, and goes nuts if she hasn't got a least £50, much to the horror of the staff, but they understand it's her 'thing' to feel secure.

    So no short answer to the problem, just manage it the best you can.
  8. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005

    I think that generation were terrified of keeping money in the bank because so many banks failed during the Great Depression. Seems to be common in that age group (mostly gone now, of course) even among those without AZ.

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