1. blowingbubbles

    blowingbubbles Registered User

    Dec 14, 2007
    7
    Essex
    My Dad has steadily got more and more forgetful over the past months, so that now he doesn't realise he is at home when he is at home, can't remember the shape of money and its value, can't remember he is married to mum or what she is doing in the house (she lives here), doesn't really know who I am, and gets angry about everything. He also imagines things, like that people are taking his money and that people have been in the house. This is not all the time; sometimes he seems fine, almost like normal. Mum and Dad went to the doctors about it and they did not do a diagnosis and mum refused a specialist referral for him because her brother has dementia and has been given these drugs that make him unable to do anything - he just sits like a vegetable and can't communicate at all, so Mum does not want this for Dad. But I don't know if this is Alzheimer's or not, or what to do. Mum doesn't like to talk about it and I once brought up that perhaps they should go back to the Doctor's but Mum got angry and refused. It's making me feel low because he is getting worse. I can't talk to Mum about this because she is already having to deal with Dad and won't want to have me to worry about too. I'm 16 years old and have loads of exams coming up too, but all I can think about is this at the moment. Advice would be much appreciated.
     
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi blowingbubbles

    welcome to TP, but so sorry you are faced with this.

    A simple answer from me, though maybe not welcome.

    You have to get a referral. You have to know what is the problem.

    Only once the problem is known can appropriate steps be taken to help.

    Your family already has knowledge of a similar case that has not been satisfactorily handled. Use that to ensure that in Dad's case something better occures.

    But you have to get that diagnosis.

    Ignoring that important step just won't help.

    best of luck and please use TP to surface all your fears and questions.

    best of all, introduce your Mum to TP as she is the one who needs to do things. It is not fair on you - though you clearly care so much. You can help support her, and your Dad, but you need her help.
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi, blowingbubbles, welcome to TP.

    It must be so hard for you, having to cope with your exams at school, care for your dad, and provide a support for your mum. It's really too much for you to cope with.

    Bruce is right, your mum has to get that referral and get a diagnosis for your dad. I can understand why she doesn't want to, but honestly, there is support out there for her, and possibly medication for your dad, if he as at the right stage.

    Without a diagnosis, she's on her own, and that's not fair on any of you.

    Perhaps you could get her to read this thread, if she wouldn't be mad that you posted. I'm sure you'll get lots more replies, and it might just convince her.

    And also encourage her to join. If she's at home in the daytime, there's always someone to talk to.

    Love,
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,596
    Kent
    Hello blowingbubbles,

    I understand your mother`s concern about drugs, especially as she has had a previous experience of their side effects. But she doesn`t have to accept them if they were prescribed.

    If she gets a diagnosis for your father, then at least she will know what is wrong. The doors will open to different areas of support, and your father`s health will be monitored.

    Your mother can explain her anxiety about the drugs and she will be listened to. No-one will force your father to take drugs, nor will they deny him treatment if he chooses not to.

    Just as an example. My husband had osteoporosis as well as Alzheimers. He refuses to take the calcium drink that has been prescribed for him, so the GP has written into his records, `has refused treatment for osteoporosis`.But it wouldn`t stop the GP treating him.

    See if you can persuade your mother to think again.

    Love xx
     
  5. blue sea

    blue sea Registered User

    Aug 24, 2005
    270
    England
    Dear blowing bubbles
    This is a really difficult situation for you. Talk to your mum if you can, on the lines others have suggested. If you can't do this, I would confide in your Head of Year, or a teacher you trust at school, and ask for some help in coping with the situation at home and managing the pressure of your exams. You can only encourage your mum to accept more help; her decision in the end is not your responsibility. Your mum needs support, which you can help her to get, but you need support too and your teachers need to know the difficulties you are facing at the moment.
    Blue sea
     
  6. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #6 Margarita, Dec 15, 2007
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2007
    sounds like your mother concerns about not getting diagnosed is coming from fear, if you could reassure her like in what Sylvia says

    May- be she could move forward.

    My daughter also where studying , parents can be so blinded in fear of the unknown, stuck in the past negative thoughts that it come out in anger . that they don't relish the effects it has on they children while they studying , as its so hard for adult child emotional to see this happening to they parents , so the adult child can not switch of . So older daughter told me few years afterwards

    as it happen to my older daughter while at university , but she pass and got her degree now doing a Masters , while my younger daughter did not do so well , so had to take another year at collage, then a year out . and is now also at university.

    I agree with that , as that what my older daughter did , my younger daughter just keep it all in, not telling the teachers what was happening at home, just her close friends .
     
  7. blowingbubbles

    blowingbubbles Registered User

    Dec 14, 2007
    7
    Essex
    Thanks for all your replies. They convinced me to talk to Mum about getting a diagnosis and help. She wasn't pleased, but I kept on at her and she said she would talk to Dad about it. Which is pointless because he will refuse. But anyway, I hope that I got through to her.

    I have spoken to the head of sixth form at school about this, and she has been really supportive, but I feel unable to tell any of my friends about anything because I'm scared they'll spread it around and say it's weird.
     
  8. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Well done, blowingbubbles. Your mum will only act in her own time, but at least she knows how you feel. Hopefully she'll be able to persuade your dad to see a consultant. At least you and she are now talking about it.

    Well done too for speaking to your sixth form tutor. At least someone at school knows what you are going through, and will be able to help if you have any problems.

    Please post here any time you want to talk about it.

    Love,
     
  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    I am wondering if you phone the national number for the AZ association , they can give you information on younger carer group for dementia (when your ready that is, also if you want to) so you can talk to other young people who father have dementia.

    Am please that your head of year is supportive, yes well done :)in talking about it with your mother.
     
  10. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Dear Blowing Bubbles,

    You have done what you can. Your mum is the person to make the decision to get your dad assessed. She is obviously scared. You can only suggest to her that she should get him assessed. You can't force her to do so, though you could visit your own GP and tell him or her of your concerns. GPs are not there just for you, but for your family as well. You might find that the GP contacts your mum to suggest an assessment of your dad.

    You must not let the situation detract you from your exams, your dad would not want that. Nor your mum. You cannot take over from your mum, you can only advise her, and sounding like the loving daughter that you are, I bet she will take notice of you if you persevere.

    At this point all you are seeking is a diagnosis. Your dad doesnt't need to be given medication yet, and there have been lots of developments in medication in recent years - tell your mum that. Remember, your mum is as scared as you are. I know you might think of your mum as being better than you at things, but with an illness she is probably not any wiser than anyone.

    Stay supportive, don't be critical, and remember you have to keep your own life going, so keep on with your studies.

    Let us know how you go on, cos we are all here for you on this website. We are here to support everyone as best we can.

    Much love to you,

    Margaret
     
  11. blue sea

    blue sea Registered User

    Aug 24, 2005
    270
    England
    Well done, Blowing Bubbles. You have taken some difficult steps in talking to your mum and head of 6th form, but this will have eased the burden on you. I do hope the situation improves for you. Try hard to focus on your exams. Keep your teacher up to date with the situation. Is there a close relative or friend of your mum's who could also help talk to her?
    Blue sea
     
  12. blowingbubbles

    blowingbubbles Registered User

    Dec 14, 2007
    7
    Essex
    My mum has made an appointment to see our GP in January to get a referral. She was very reluctant but I said that it doesn't necessarily mean medication, it's just to see what exactly is wrong. Being at home for Christmas is bad, because normally I just see my parents after school, but at the moment I'm seeing them all the time and I can see how bad their relationship has got and how Dad actually doesn't remember anything at all.
     
  13. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,596
    Kent
    Well done, blowingbubbles.

    The worsening relationship between your parents must be very difficult for you to live with. If your mother can talk to her GP about your father in January, it might help her uderstand some of your father`s behaviours. Athough I know they are impossible to come to terms with, at least she might accept he isn`t entirely to blame.

    It`s a big step forwards at least, thanks to you.
     
  14. blowingbubbles

    blowingbubbles Registered User

    Dec 14, 2007
    7
    Essex
    I thought I'd update as to what is happening with my Dad. He went to the Doctor's and they took a blood test. Dad gets the results tomorrow. From there they are going to hopefully refer him.

    Meanwhile, Mum is acting like she can't stand Dad. She has a go at him constantly and when he gets confused she belittles him. I think he's getting depressed because he is moping around all the time, which is making him worse. I don't know what to do when Mum is like this; I want to tell her to stop it, but our relationship is bad anyway and I think that would make it worse. I hate her so much for being like this though.
     
  15. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    5,543
    Don'rt get angry at your mum

    Hi Blowing Bubbles
    Please do not get angry with your mum. She must be sad, and frustrated in not being able to talk to anyone about this. Now you have got the ball rolling, wait and see what happens.
    We are all here to talk to. Lots of luv
    Barb
     
  16. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Dear Blowing Bubbles,

    My suggestion might seem ridiculous to you, but I have found this approachoften works well - so here goes! (Feel free to ignore my advice though! ;) )

    You say your relationship is not very close with your Mum , and that you are upset to see her treat your Dad so badly.

    I totally agree about how she is treating your Dad - it won't achieve anything. Your Dad is acting this way because he is il, not from choice.

    BUT. . . could you try giving her a big hug and saying (something like) "Poor darling Mum, it is just so hard isn't it? We both hate seeing Dad like this. Only it must be so much harder for you because you are his wife."

    I have often found that a very sympathetic and loving approach works miracles at times when we really feel like doing the opposite! It helps you to readjust your feelings and often it allows the other person to really express what they are feeling.

    Only you would know if this is something you could do with your Mum. But please know that we at TP will be here for you whenever you need us. Here's hoping the next little while can see some positive moves for your Dad and therefore, for your Mum and for you.
     
  17. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Dear Blowing Bubbles,

    Nell is spot on, the cuddle is a great idea. Try to step outside how you feel about your mum and just imagine a friend or a neighbour behaving in this way.

    My dad, 79, had stomach cancer and he could not eat cos he simply had no room in his stomach because of the huge cancer. Mum's entire life had been devoted to cooking, and she really could not accept that dad couldn't eat the lovely dishes she was cooking that he had always enjoyed. She got cross with him, she almost got violent, she was so nasty to hi at times. Yes, she was wrong to do so, Yes she was stupid, Yes it angered me that she could not see why dad could not eat, but there was no point in getting mad with her, it was just the way she was. She was totally incapable of making a nourishing soup which he might manage to eat, she just stuck to her previous 50 years of cooking. A quick cuddle did a lot. Aw mum, it must be so hard for you when you have cooked his favourite meal and he can't eat it, but it isn't his fault, and you have tried so hard. It didn't always work, but getting angry was even worse, so, Bubbles, be as patient as you can.

    Like you, I don't have a good relationship with my mum, and it did anger me that she didn't seem to have the slightest clue as to why he couldn't eat, and at time I did hate her for her attitude towards my wonderful dad. And now, three years after his death, she has Alzheimers, so maybe the way she behaved then was due to that, or maybe not. Whatever, Bubbles, don't get too cross, helping your mum will help your dad too.

    It is hard when you don't have the love for a parent that you think you should have, but it is more common than you think, and I am sure you will cope with it. Post back on here if it gets too much for you, I know I could have strangled my mum at times when my dad was ill, she was so bad at handling it. But actually she did her best, she just wasn't very good at it.

    Much love

    Margaret
     

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