Don't know what to do?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Dog Lady, Feb 17, 2016.

  1. Dog Lady

    Dog Lady Registered User

    Dec 22, 2014
    My MIL has been sectioned under a section 2 then 3 and now has section 117 covering her care costs. My self and my husband have had to fight to try and find her the right nursing home. She is diabetic, but has mental health problems and the start of dementia. We finally found a NH that is homely and lovely, but a lot of the residents need a lot of nursing care and are either bed or chair bound so hardly any conversation.
    MIL had 2 weeks to see how she settles this has now been extended for another 2 weeks as she is refusing food, medication, being racist and swearing at other residents visitors. The racism and swearing was a huge shock to us, I feel as if I have spent the last 6 months constantly apologising for her.
    She hates where she is and wants a dog!!! She wont leave her room, wont interact or try to find something to do, she loves drawing and writing but comes up with lots of excuses as to why she can't do it.
    I think she's trying to be difficult to kick up a fuss and get her own way- a dog. This is how she has always been.
    I just don't know how to handle the situation as we can't talk to her and I'm worried if she can't stay where she is she will go back to hospital and then constantly have a black mark against her due to the defiance and behaviour.
    I will feel gutted if she's not allowed to stay as all of the other NH that would have accepted her, I wouldn't have let them look after my goldfish, but we did have a lot of more homes saying no.:mad:

    Dog Lady
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    Hi Dog Lady
    such a stressful situation for you all
    Seems to be a positive that the settling in period has been extended, so the home is not asking for her to be removed
    please do talk to the staff about your worries, carers and the manager, as much as you can to let them know how your MIL is when you visit and find out how she is when you are not there, and how they are supporting her - you're probably already doing that - I hope you find the staff as helpful as I do, and willing to work with you as a team
    May I say that you don't really need to apologise for her; yes it's awful to hear these things said by her, however the staff will not be surprised and will have ways to deal with it, and maybe she does some of it with you around to get a reaction - especially as you write
    If she chooses not to leave her room or engage with any activities, leave her to it - 2 weeks or so of this will not harm her and she may finally find her own way - you certainly can't make her (at least I can't make my dad do anything he does NOT want to), so take the heat off yourself and let her be as much as you can - I've found that this takes the pressure off dad and he is calmer (may still not join in, but I don't want to socialise all the time either)
    maybe just leave some drawing materials and such lying around in her room - she may not take to them with you there, but if she gets bored she may pick them up when she's alone - however, it may be that she gives excuses because she is no longer able to do what she used to and is covering up
    I think I'm saying that at the moment the answer to your question is - you don't need to do anything, allow the staff to look after her, sit back for a while and just see how it goes - so much easier for me to say I know (there have been moments with dad when this was the only thing I could do, honest)
    as for if she does go back to hospital - there's no black mark - some people need more intervention than others - and that's for the future perhaps, so leave it for now and just be in today
    I appreciate that as relatives we want to help make things right - sometimes we can only stand and wait
    best wishes

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