Don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by zoe37, Sep 2, 2014.

  1. zoe37

    zoe37 Registered User

    Feb 14, 2012

    My very bright, stubborn, 82 year old Mother has Alzheimer's. We never had the heart to tell her of her diagnosis when she would have comprehended it. She firmly believes she is getting old with lapses of memory.

    My Mum is a widow living nr Cambridge, I live in Bristol (I have epilepsy) my 2 brothers live in America

    She wont except help. We were able to get her carers through the front door under the pretext they were cleaners - whom she believed came only once a week & the weekly Tesco food drops she receives - 'she gets from her frequent walks into town'.

    We took her to a wonderful care home for a cup of tea & she point blank refused to walk through the door.

    We've had to change care companies whom she wont accept, they do get in the door
    but with much aggravation from Mum.

    Her local community care worker is monitering the situation but conversations have turned to sectioning.. i.e she cannot spend another winter in her house,

    How do you help someone who cannot comprehend her situation, hold the thread of an explanation, believes she is being lied to?

    Help please..
  2. loveahug

    loveahug Registered User

    Nov 28, 2012
    Moved to Leicester
    oh dear Zoe it's that rock and hard place again!

    We had the same problem with my mum, except she wouldn't have anyone in the house to assist at all and I spent almost 6 months there on and off sorting out all sorts of problems. Sadly it does seem to be a case of acting when a crisis hits. In mum's case she fell because she had stopped taking all her medication and pnemonia had set in. She was only allowed back home if the 'nurses' were allowed to come in and supervise 'her new very strong medication' ;)

    That was the turning point for her and, even though she now says she still does all her own washing shopping cooking and cleaning, the truth is she does none of it, the carers' visits 4 times a day cover it all. By the way she is 90 now.

    It's that sort of stoicism which has kept that generation going, but it's bloomin' difficult to get round it once dementia skews their perception. You've got a fight on your hands and I feel for you.

    Best wishes and good luck x
  3. Carrie Anne

    Carrie Anne Registered User

    Sep 7, 2011
    I'm hoping the answer is " if I think it's right, just do it'. That's what I'm going to try anyway. I have been searching high and low for some sort of hot meal delivery for my Mum. Usual things going on, food I buy not getting eaten, food lying around everywhere, weird combinations on plates in the cold oven ( pudding/ chip combo on a plate last week). Exploding microwaves etc etc.

    Mum hates people coming into her house at all, and has only just accepted her daily medication visit from a care agency. I think the truth is she now forgets they've been as soon as they go out of the door. She does now need more help though.

    I found a carer who was prepared to prepare a hot meal with a pud and deliver twice a week. She came to meet mum so that it would be a (hopefully) familiar face when she came the next day. Sadly this resulted in mum crying, shouting and refusing point blank to contemplate the plan even though she had quite liked the idea a week before. After sending the carer packing and putting me through the mill with withering, hurtful comments about my lack of caring,it was obvious that she was completely confused about what had just happened. It was the act of sitting down and discussing plans for her future that upset her, she would have refused a years supply of fruitcake ( her favourite) in that situation.

    So the carer and I are prepared to give it a go anyway and a meal will be delivered next week. Fingers crossed. It will be the first time I have gone against mum's wishes and I'm pretty nervous about what will happen, but I am confident it's the right thing to do.
  4. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    Sometimes you have to do what needs to be done and keep your fingers crossed. Its a hard job you are doing but you are doing a great job by being there and caring. I hope you get into a new routine and it all works out.
  5. topsy1

    topsy1 Registered User

    Apr 22, 2014
    Sounds familiar... and this might sound callous but my own mum only became co-operative after she was put on anti-anxiety medication by the GP. Now she is biddable and can enjoy her life better. Life had become really difficult, mum maintaining she could do all sorts of things she actually couldn't, combined with not leaving me be at all (lives with me and hubby) and alternately distressed and hyper. Its a different situation, i know, that we are living with and minding mum, and you are at a distance but need to get involved in order that she is cared for and safe. I'd say a trip to her GP (if you can go alone the first time to explain everything to him) might be somewhere to start. It's hard for a parent to accept they cant cope and need help, after being on top of things all their adult life. Just maybe a suitable medication might take the edge off things (and this coming from me who was opposed to medication of all kinds all my life, just it has saved my sanity that my own AD mum is on it now!) Hope all works out for you. Topsy

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