Don't know what to do.

[MollyMoo40]

My Dad was diagnosed with Lewis Body Dementia about 2 years ago (although looking back the signs had been there for a long time) My Nan on my Mum's side also has vascular dementia (no hope for me!) For her own reasons my Mum has not told her Dad that her husband is also suffering.
My Nan is in a lovely care home but is deteriorating quite quickly, we live 2 hours away, Mum is feeling guilty that shes not there more. I've offered help time & time again to Mum, Dad can come to me while she goes to see Nan, but she will not accept my help at all. She tells me very little about anything that's going on with my Nan or my Dad, but then I get it all thrown back at me that she's doing everything on her own with no help. Dad is still functioning fairly well for now but I know that won't carry on. I really don't know where to start, he's my Dad & I want to help, but it's like she doesn't want me to almost as if she is playing the martyr with me (I know that sounds very harsh but how I'm feeling right now) I'm a single working parent but I want to help, she wouldn't even let me cook Christmas dinner because she wanted to do it. I don't know where to get the best advice, hopefully someone in this group can help. Merry Christmas everyone. Xx

 

[DesperateofDevon]

My mother was the same until the crisis came & she could no longer cope.
To be honest no matter what you do it’s not going to be right.
Your Mum seems to be of a personality that won’t accept help. You can only offer if she doesn’t accept then you visit your Nan & wait til your Mum asks for help.
Look after yourself & your child, that’s your priority your child. xx

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to DTP @MollyMoo40
I think the only thing you can do is keep offering. I suspect your mum is controlling everything as it’s the only way she can cope.
Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.

 

[MollyMoo40]

My mother was the same until the crisis came & she could no longer cope.
To be honest no matter what you do it’s not going to be right.
Your Mum seems to be of a personality that won’t accept help. You can only offer if she doesn’t accept then you visit your Nan & wait til your Mum asks for help.
Look after yourself & your child, that’s your priority your child. xx

Thank you. It does feel like I can't do anything right & I think that's what's so frustrating, I try but get nothing so I carry on with my & my sons life but get slated for that too. I'll keep going & possibly post on here again, thankfully (if not tragically) it seems there are people that have been in similar situations who can just offer the right words at the right time & for that I'm grateful.

 

[MollyMoo40]

Welcome to DTP @MollyMoo40
I think the only thing you can do is keep offering. I suspect your mum is controlling everything as it’s the only way she can cope.
Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.

Thank you. I hadn't realised that I needed support until I started reading post in this forum, but I do, I don't know what to do for the best or how I should feel even. Thank you.

 

[Lawson58]

I think your mum is under a huge amount of stress and my guess is that with you being a single mum and working, she doesn't want to impose on you.

Sometimes, trying to function when you are under stress can distort the reality of the situation and it can be hard to come to terms with the idea that you are not coping. I know you are trying to be supportive of her but perhaps, just for now you need to back off a little. That's not easy I know, but why not just let your mum know that you are there for her and wait till she asks for your help.

I know I can ask my children for help and once in a while I do but I don't and won't tell them what is going on with me emotionally and psychologically and if they kept pushing me, I would dig my toes in and push back. And yes, that makes me a cranky, stubborn old woman but that's how it is. Perhaps, just now, you need to respect her decision and give her a little space.

 

[Duggies-girl]

@MollyMoo40 I look after my dad and like @Lawson58 I don't want to impose on my son. To be honest I just don't want him to have to spend time looking after my frail elderly dad. He is young and has other things he should be doing. I suspect that your mum feels the same and she would rather you spend time with your own children.

It's just the way us mums are. I will accept help from siblings and my husband but I just don't want my son doing it. I suppose that in the case of an emergency I would let him but other than that I would rather just plough on.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

I honestly think that sometimes you just have to let things happen & sad as it is your mum will need to hit that crisis point.
It’s horrid to watch but nothing you do will be right. leaving your mum to dictate the circumstances as she wishes means that any situation is of her creation.

Having been in that situation myself & battling against the system to get help for Dad - honestly the toll it’s taken on my own health & family relationships leaves me wondering now was it worth it all?

seriously I don’t know the answer but would I do all this again - I’m sorry but the answer would be no!

my marriage is in tatters
My son now lives in Australia
My health dramatically deteriorated to the point of permanent damage.

Did I make a difference - not really the outcome would have been the same no matter.

the emotional & physical scars I will always have

moving forward will be difficult as I need to repair marriage & relationships with my children.

honestly if I could do things differently I would.
My advice - prioritise you & your child

Then you can help your parents from a firm standing point.

I wish you all the best in however you move forward through this dementia journey. x

 

[Duggies-girl]

I honestly think that sometimes you just have to let things happen & sad as it is your mum will need to hit that crisis point.
It’s horrid to watch but nothing you do will be right. leaving your mum to dictate the circumstances as she wishes means that any situation is of her creation.

Having been in that situation myself & battling against the system to get help for Dad - honestly the toll it’s taken on my own health & family relationships leaves me wondering now was it worth it all?

seriously I don’t know the answer but would I do all this again - I’m sorry but the answer would be no!

my marriage is in tatters
My son now lives in Australia
My health dramatically deteriorated to the point of permanent damage.

Did I make a difference - not really the outcome would have been the same no matter.

the emotional & physical scars I will always have

moving forward will be difficult as I need to repair marriage & relationships with my children.

honestly if I could do things differently I would.
My advice - prioritise you & your child

Then you can help your parents from a firm standing point.

I wish you all the best in however you move forward through this dementia journey. x

This is the reality for many of us. Life's a bitch they say and then dementia comes along and decides to mess with everything. It just keeps hammering away like a noise in the background that you can't get away from.

Huge hugs @DesperateofDevon xx

 

[love.dad.but..]

It may also be that your mum is trying to protect you from the harsh reality of her world and your dad's condition but also may be in a bit of denial herself. Just letting your mum know that she can talk to you and share is perhaps all you can do for now then gradually she may ask for help.