Don't know how to handle Dad

[jack29]

Thought Dad was getting on ok in his CH but today when I went to visit he was aggresive towards me. He is complaining his food portions are too small and that he is not allowed to have any cash in his room. In his last CH £30 vanished so not keen to leave him with cash. He also accused me of spending all his money...I am his appointee but he has only had 1 weeks pension since I became his appointee and that is in the bank!
Also with regard to his food..he is diabetic but we have signed to say he can eat whatever food he wants and we are happy that that is controlled with his insulin.....only today I have found out that he refuses to have his medication!!I was at the end of my tether trying to care for him at home and thought when he went to the CH I could at least not worry so much but I feel all the worrying building up yet again!!

Thanks for reading....cant write anymore as I am in tears!!

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Jack,
Sorry to read about your Dad.
Unfortunately, with this illness even if everything to us is perfect, our loved ones will still find something to complain about.
Whilst you are worrying, your Dad has probably eaten a hearty meal and I am writing from experience with my husband.
As for the medication, that is down to the Care Home and to put your mind at rest have a word with the Nursing Staff/Manager.
Best wishes
Christine

 

[TLJ]

Hi Jack,

totally agree with Christine.

Also, I think we sometimes have to steel ourselves by telling ourselves we are doing the best we can.
If we think we can do more than is humanly possible - that's when we will break.

The CH is reponsible for making sure your dad gets his meds. If you were not worrying about that you would be worrying about something else.
We need to just try and accept that we are doing our best, it might not be enough but we cannot take full responsiblity if something goes wrong.
Sometimes we can't even do our best. We are only human. We get tired, sad, exasperated, but don;t beat yourself up over it.

Don't take it personally when your dad gets aggressive towards you. My dad is the same and after the work and care you put in it is a real kick in the teeth. But it is not him talking, it is the illness. Try not to take it personally. But it is very waring I know.
Thats when you must write to us and get it all off your chest. We can't always give you the answers but we do KNOW what its like. Just have a good rant. I do!

 

[jack29]

Thank you so much for your replies....I know all the things you have told me but I think I just needed a bit of reassurace really
My Dad has changed so much over the last few months and I am finding it really hard to adjust to this "different man".

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Jack.

My husband is diabetic and we have only just found out that if his glucose levels are poorly managed it adds to his confusion.

Like you, we let my husband eat more or less what he fancied and relied on the drugs to control his glucose levels. But it doesn`t seem to work that way.

When he was on an assessment ward he had no access to food so his levels stabilized. Now he is home, he has the freedom of choice again and his levels are not as good.

But if your father is refusing medication, heaven knows what this will do to affect his dementia.

 

[pebble]

Jack
Your post touched me and I wish you the very best. I am struggling with my Mum still living on her own at home and am niavely thinking a care package will help and that eventually a nursing home might solve many problems but I guess we all know this illness runs on and on whatever and wherever. I too am being bombarded with quite aggressive accusations and finding it hard. Mum asked her Bank to start a fraud investigation against me last week for stealing her money. When third parties get involved it is totally scarey. I survived that without being locked up but it is so weird when half of my mum is so volatile and half so herself laughing at jokes etc. Pepole keep telling me to get thicker skin and so on but it is not so easy to do when it is happening to you. all the best Pebbles

 

[jack29]

Dad's lady friend went to visit today and came away almost in tears. Dad is just so miserable....says he's really fed up and all he wants to do is escape! The trouble is he has no interests what so ever. He used to watch loads of TV and read the papers but he does not seem to do either any more. His friend said to him that his daughter (me) would be visiting tomorrow and he replied I dont care if anyone comes to see more or not!
Do you think I should ask if he is on any medication for depression because he certainly seems depressed to me!

 

[Grannie G]

Do you think I should ask if he is on any medication for depression because he certainly seems depressed to me!

Definitely Jack. He sounds very depressed. It can do no harm. Let us know.

Love xx

 

[Christinec]

Hi Jack,
I think we all hope that when a relative goes in to care it will solve all their and your problems and worries but the illness is still there and probably progressing at some level. Also I think when someone is in care if it is good you sort of forget how ill they are and that some of their comments are symptons


Looking back at your posts you have done so much for your Dad over a long period - with his problems you must have had many hard times and must be stressed (unless you are a much, much calmer more resistent character than I am.)

You seem confident about the care he receives and it is worth asking the staff/GP about depression but could everything you are worrying about be symptons of the disease. All apply to my Mum and sufferers with any recognition of their symptons will be distressed. Also is it worth mentioning to the staff about the portions but very tactfully. Mum can never remember what or when she has eaten so anything she says about the food may be a little mixed up however raising this with staff will alert them to the fact your father is unhappy about the portions. Without worrying you I know one nursing home in this area has introduced portion control in an effort to cut costs. Pity as they used to have a fantastic reputation for their food but apparently profits were being erroded - that is outsourcing for you.

As to you dad's friend coming away in tears I wonder how many people come away from visiting someone with dementia without tears. It is the illness and it is not your fault she was upset.I do not think it is a reflection on the care your dad is receiving or what you are doing.

Hope you are feeling less anxious today and things seem better.