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Dont know how to go forward with care.....


New member
Jul 20, 2020
Hello everyone,

I have previously posted for advice with my FIL who myself and Fiancé care for but I feel we have reached a brick wall......

My FIL has vascular dementia and lives with us on our farm, (Was his farm previously). At first lockdown we were receiving one personal care visit a day for medication and showering but we had issues with timing of carers coming (FIL likes his routine) and not wearing appropriate PPE. We also had my fiancé's siblings take him one day a week and the other, one weekend (2days) a month.

With covid we made the decision to try keep him safe and cancelled all care assistance to try and do it ourselves. It has worked so far but I have recently found out Iam pregnant with my second child (first is a toddler).

My FIL had another TIA yesterday which resulted in him losing his balance for an hour and he is doubly incontinent most days so social work have got in contact again and he is getting some hospital checks in coming days.

Social work want to start carers again but Iam starting to panic about how we are going to run a farm, look after our children and my FIL even with this help. My partner just keeps saying his sisters will just have to help again and we will manage, but iam starting to really stress on how we will cope.

It isn't even just the mental stress of dealing with this everyday, its the fact we don't have any privacy or time on our own. The few times we do chance leaving him for a short period of time, Iam always worried about him. We have a community alarm etc in place. Pretty much everything we can in house but I still worry every single day about him.

I know iam ranting but I dont know where to turn. His children are really hesitant about placing him in a care home as he's still coherent generally (he's mainly affected with his mobility and incontinence) and because of the risk of covid (which tbh I feel the same way) .

But Iam yet again grieving a "normal" young family life. I dont know how to solve it or where to turn and worried how all this stress will effect my pregnancy.

Is there anyone in a slightly similar boat?


Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
Hi @Fscogirl personally I would accept the carers from SS. I think very soon, if not already, your father in law will need a care home and if funding is dependent on SS they will want to see if home carers work first. Short carer visits will ultimately fail then they will be obliged to provide a care home placement. If your FIL is self-funding you can arrange a care home yourself . Others will be along soon with better advice.
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Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
South coast
Can you use a different agency from the one you had last time?
OH has carers coming in and they always arrive in full PPE, I am very happy with them, so there are good agencies out there.

Has your FIL had a covid injection yet? I know that you dont get maximum protection until 3 weeks after the second jab, but if he has had the first this will offer some protection so even if he got covid the symptoms shouldnt be horrible.


New member
Jul 20, 2020
Thanks for your reply,

Yes he had his first injection a couple of weeks ago thank goodness. Still a bit wary though.

Its very difficult to get care companies to come to where we are being on a farm and between 2 council areas. The only option social work seem to have, is asking previous care company , who we hadppe problems with, which is a worry.

I think the reality is I know this one visit per day isn't enough with him soiling himself throughout the day and not really giving us any "freedoms". Although there is not much things to do just now granted.

I guess I'm just really worried about the close future of coping with everything and having to be the "bad one" to say I cant cope living with him anymore. I worry there will always be a form of resentment towards me from my fiancé and his family even though none of them are willing to step up and take him in.

Just a tricky situation that I dont know how to solve.....


Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
caring for your FIL, if changing him etc, you will have to be careful being pregnant as well. its heavy work with bending and turning awkwardly as well as looking after a toddler which is a full-time job on its own. you might have to risk the resentment from your fiance family. dont say if self-funding. take the carers for the time because then you can say you need them more because............ maybe need to point out the difficulties you last time with them and make sure they are wearing ppe etc. in however many months time, you will have a newborn as well so not sure how you will be able to manage at that point. maybe need to put care in place before that.


Registered User
May 21, 2018
I say start the carers again. You need to think about what happens if you are feeling unwell - and also think ahead to after the baby is born. Start the carers again now, see how it goes, build it up from there, and take it a step at a time.


Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
West Hertfordshire
Without meaning to sound alarmist, you may have a bigger problem that just his day to day needs, should you decide to go down the residential care route. Who actually owns the farm? would he be self funding if he owns it on paper?

If he went into residential care, would the farm have to be sold to finance his care?


New member
Jan 13, 2021
Hi, you have such a lot going on I'm not surprised you are finding everything stressful. It is difficult to step back to work out what takes priority. We have had a similar situation with carers and if we had not all had COVID at the same time and had become unable to look after my Dad I would have stopped the carers visiting us. Glad they did. I phoned the agency and talked to them about caring for carers and they became professional about PPE sharpish. Perhaps you could have that conversation with them, it is sometimes easier than getting cross with teh carer when they arrive and talking about requirements for them to use PPE.

Caring for carers, that is you and me, is as important as looking after a vulnerable person. Self care is about being able to look after a person properly, and your baby, so you are never the "bad person" when you do this. If you become unwell, physically, or find everything too stressful and become unwell or depressed then you cannot care for anyone. This is worth sharing with family and anyone else who chooses to tell you what you should do, especially when they give you an opinion but do not contribute to the caring. The law of consequences applies here; once someone who does not provide actual care or support realises they may be called in in a crisis because you have become too unwell to cope, they will understand why it is important to keep you well, for you to have respite - it will impact on them if you are not looked after too. Hope you feel able to have these conversations, we can talk about picking good times to discuss things another time.

Just a few thoughts. Does anyone have Power of Attorney (PoA) for decisions about finance or care? If you are going to have to make difficult decisions abut the future and the person you are caring for is capable you could consider this because it will give you the ability to plan and have some control over what happens for the best, for all of you. Really important to ensure everyone involved in care needs to be aware, and agree, you are doing this for the best intentions. When people are stressed or feel they have ownership, or when money is involved emotions can run high, care and compassion can go out of the window. Best look it up and speak to someone, detached from the family, to understand how this works - there is lots of free info out there. If the person you are looking after is not capable of making decisions there are alternative arrangements which can be made - again seek detached advice and maybe talk to his Doctor.

Too much info here perhaps.
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Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
You shouldn't be carrying all this stress on your shoulders, not good for you or the baby and not fair on your FiL either, who will need more care as time goes on.

Could your partner organise a family conference call and discuss the situation with his siblings to take the pressure of you.

Congratulations on your lovely news, something positive to look forward to this year.

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