Dont know how to cope anymore.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by steele247, Jul 19, 2019.

  1. steele247

    steele247 Registered User

    Jan 13, 2019
    Hello my dads got vassual dementia and I dont know how to cope I stay in my room our Pretend its not happening so I can get by as got my own mental health issues and I find it so overwhelming also. I have always struggled showing my feelings to my dad has he been ill since I was a little girl with bipolar disorder but now hes got this on top of that so just feeling overwhelmed I sometimes hate him for all the problems he brings yet I know its not his fault its his illness just wanted to know why I feel this way and if anyone elese dose and how you cope when all you wanna do is run away thanks.
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) @steele247

    I think we all have times when we just want to run away or stay in bed with the sheet over our heads - I know I do anyway.
    Does your GP know how you are feeling? I think it is very important that he/she is aware of the impact that it is having on you.
    I also dont know whether your dad has had a needs assessment from Social Services recently. If not, that would be a good thing to do to see whether you can get some extra help. You can also ask for a separate carers assessment for you too - you might be able to get some respite.
  3. steele247

    steele247 Registered User

    Jan 13, 2019
    Yes am 9n depression tables and we got some respite just hard how to handle him at times then i see my mum stressing its mentally hard on me at times. We had a assessment for social services and cares just leave you to it tbh thanks for writing to me means alot
  4. One Moment At A Time

    One Moment At A Time Registered User

    Jan 4, 2019
    Puerto Rico
    I know is not easy, besides been "Dx" with the early stages of AD I'm also a cancer survivor, it has helped me express my feelings to loved ones, some friends & professionals, ** getting involved with fellowship with my wife, grandsons among others, lisenning to relaxation music & taking life's daily issues "one moment at a time, I wish you well, respectfully a hug
  5. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019

    ‘You can love someone but you don’t have to like them.’
    It’s an old saying but true

    Oh bless you, totally understand the struggle as my Mum has undiagnosed bi polar ( long conversations with GP & historical symptoms- a long long story) & now has dementia confirmed by CT scan.

    I felt huge resentment for years that Mum wouldn’t accept help or get help from her GP. Mum would make up blatant lies that the GP surgery didn’t want my interference, also the way she would & still does occasionally speak about me infront of others was hurtful & unkind.

    It’s so difficult in these circumstances plus I am not in the best of health mind or body myself, so appreciate that struggle.
    ( antidepressants for over 20 years )

    The lack of empathy towards others & the lack of parental love shown towards me is a kicker, shall we say. The frustration with the problems on top that dementia brings just tips the balance. It’s not as if I can look back on a typical mother daughter relationship- I don’t know if your relationship with your Dad was like this.

    My Mum didn’t respond well to being a parent - plus I was adopted as a baby so added issues for Mum on that front ; I’m not family blood !

    To cope - not well at times myself - I think shutting yourself away maybe isn’t the way you should be looking at it; though in reality I understand the retreating to your room it’s a place you feel you can get away from it all. My mum doesn’t live with us or even near us, but I still find myself retreating into my bedroom to just get away from the phone, paperwork, emails or when it all just gets emotionally too much.
    It’s your safe space
    Don’t think of it as pretending that it’s not happening- think of it as you switching off from it.
    There is nothing wrong with that it’s self preservation
    Logically I know I should go out for a walk, or make myself do something; but sometimes you just feel so overwhelmed by it all you feel as if you can’t even step outside the front door.
    This is normal, it’s part of a grieving process to a situation that isn’t in the normal remit of things.
    Losing a person who physically is still there, losing the hope of a more positive relationship, I’m sure the list of what ifs is long & varied for each person, but none the less painful & emotional.
    You need to work through this emotional tangle & I found talking( no who am I kidding sobbing uncontrollably) on a couple of occasions to my GP was helpful, just to hear myself say how I felt out loud. Yes I was upped a happy tablet to take me to the max, but the turning point for me was actually joining this forum.

    Please keep posting
    It helps, even if at that moment in time you feel that nothing can ever make you feel that your despondency will lift. I promise you it will.

    Ultimate escape mode for me is cuddling up on the bed with a dog - best hot water bottle ever! - & a chick lit feel good book.
    Recharging my batteries I call it!
  6. steele247

    steele247 Registered User

    Jan 13, 2019
    Hello thanks so much for your email Sorry to hear about what your going through I have always struggled with my dad hes got a heart of gold and he learn me how to ride my bike swim when I was younger and I also got my love from music from him to he an amazing dad just hes always been ill and the main priority over everyone else you see so makes it hard at times I cry alot in my room away from my mum and dad as I dont like giving them stress and worry and I do like my own company also at times I try talk to the doctor but I know they dont care I had counselling and that help me alot with different tools I try and use in day to day life just know one tells you how hard it is to deal with a love one with dementia knowing your losing them right in front of your eyes and their is not a damn thing you can do about it but be their and support them I be lost without my mum shes my rock my everything and I do meditating sometimes to helps me quit my mind from worrying over things I cant control then somtimes I get mad with my dad shout at him because hes selfish and stubborn wont listen and then feel bad as I know its his fault its his illness so hard to deal with. Just trying to get my own life together with finding employment and gaining my confidence again but so much going on all the time hard to find balance. I will keep posting and thanks for your kindness and support sorry for the late reply as been busy wish you all the best to more than welcome to stay in touch to.

    Kind regards

  7. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    Don’t apologise- everyone on the forum understands how life / time consuming all this is. Having said that .... been a bit late replying myself!!!!
    Easy to give frustration advice - but harder to follow the same advice myself with my Aged mother.
    Just to let you know I am here- bit delayed in replying... but you are not alone.
    I cry, I get cross, I am continually walking a tightrope trying to keep it all together.

    On Sunday I was determined after a horrendous 10 days of various frustrations to only be happy
    My support worker & I had a art event booked , let me just say the previous month event not only was it gloomy & damp weather but so was l !!!!
    I spoke to my Market companions & laughed at the ridiculousness of the continued battles with aged mothers GP not even replying to emails or phone calls. I laughed about the ineptitude of care from the surgery.
    I gave high praise about the social worker & carers the social worker had put in place

    I smiled & passerby’s, joked around with small children & spoke to customers about the weather! WE ARE BRITISH AFTERALL it had rained earlier in the day. For a few hours I was me, no other commitments just me.
    Yep I did get home from work to the usual phone calls etc; also managed to have an argument with Him indoors who previously had sainthood in post- that did pop my bubble of happiness but it made me realise how much I needed that space away from responsibilities

    I can’t magic a job that you would love, I wish I could; but would you think about perhaps volunteering at a local charity shop. My dads sister who’s 88 & an inspiration does a couple of hours a week sorting through clothes & donations. She’s dressed in the current fashion, loves the ‘girls’ she volunteers with & tells me it was a pivotal point for her when nursing her husband through dementia.

    I find when I’m not creating / designing that in the afternoon it’s easy to retreat into my shell & hide in my room reading compulsively when stressed to stop thinking compulsively about dementia related issues. Yes I escape for a while but it’s not as beneficial as actual face to face contact.
    The thought of events sometimes seem overwhelming & yes I have historically cancelled though loathing myself for doing so. I have minimised what I do & love the traders, organisers etc of the one I’ve just attended for their care compassion, understanding & support. I hope that you can find something that gives you this
    Let me know how you are
    Big hug
  8. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019

    Actually today I have done what I should have done a long time ago, & the struggle my husband & I have had to try & make sure Mum is safe & is having the care she should have has been escalated.

    Tomorrow I have more phone calls & statements to make & give, but it’s not me or in my head; & the relief that I am logical, informed & that it’s the GP who is at fault for doing nothing for years & still not following protocol is of great relief.
    I didn’t have it in meto fight again to get Mum help; & I don’t have to.

    I’m sad that I have experienced this but I hope that what I am in the process of now will in the future stop it from happening to someone else at this practice.

    Give me a mountain & I will try to turn it into a molehill! Every time!
    This forum & the advice gives me the courage to keep on trying

    Thank you for your kind words & support it means so much

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