Doing the right thing

[abijac]

I had a phone call from Dads care home today to say dads choking was getting worse to the point they had to give him back slaps. The nurse examined him and said he had crackles on his lung. The GP was then called she told the care home there was nothing to do as he could not take the antibiotics and they were looking at end of life. The home called me as they were concerned the GP hadn't discussed this with me. This came as a bit of a bolt out of the blue as although Dad has a DNR we had not considered the choice of sending him to hospital to be put on a drip, to be in a unfamiliar place, to perhaps rally round to return to choking on his food or to allow him to stay in the home who are still attempting fluids and will care for him in familiar surroundings. But the fear is there of making the wrong choice. Dad is 89 and very frail.
After the initial shock and discussing with family, home and GP I have decided he will stay at the care home but I just hope I have made the right decision for him. The last thing I want for him is to suffer but I don't see the benefit in trying to prolong his life for our own feelings. He has no quality of life left but I am sad he has come this far and I have had to make this difficult choice for him and that he didn't go peacefully in his sleep. I'm not sure people that have no understanding of dementia will understand my decision.

 

[BR_ANA]

Ask for Hospice or palliative team. It must be pain free.

 

[DMac]

I had a phone call from Dads care home today to say dads choking was getting worse to the point they had to give him back slaps. The nurse examined him and said he had crackles on his lung. The GP was then called she told the care home there was nothing to do as he could not take the antibiotics and they were looking at end of life. The home called me as they were concerned the GP hadn't discussed this with me. This came as a bit of a bolt out of the blue as although Dad has a DNR we had not considered the choice of sending him to hospital to be put on a drip, to be in a unfamiliar place, to perhaps rally round to return to choking on his food or to allow him to stay in the home who are still attempting fluids and will care for him in familiar surroundings. But the fear is there of making the wrong choice. Dad is 89 and very frail.
After the initial shock and discussing with family, home and GP I have decided he will stay at the care home but I just hope I have made the right decision for him. The last thing I want for him is to suffer but I don't see the benefit in trying to prolong his life for our own feelings. He has no quality of life left but I am sad he has come this far and I have had to make this difficult choice for him and that he didn't go peacefully in his sleep. I'm not sure people that have no understanding of dementia will understand my decision.

I would say you have definitely made the right decision for him. Much better that he should be settled comfortably in familiar surroundings than uprooted to a hospital where he could be confused, frightened, and disorientated. I recently lost my father-in-law in hospital, and I feel sure he went through a horrible experience. In his case his decline was sudden and somewhat unexpected, but nonetheless it was distressing for us all that he didn't have a peaceful passing.

 

[LadyA]

I think too you made the right choice. My husband died last August of aspiration pneumonia, because he couldn't swallow without particles getting in his lungs now and then. At the end of May, he had been ambulanced to hospital because the nursing home couldn't get hold of me in time and had had to make a quick decision. He spent a horrible week there - he was terrified in the alien environment. The noise, confusion and strange people dealing with him was too much. He was fidgety and they had to bandage his arm from fingers to above the elbow to try and stop him pulling at the IV line. And the IV antibiotics didn't have much affect anyway. They dealt with the immediate infection - but as he still couldn't swallow, it was a fruitless excercise. I decided he should stay in his familiar room in the nursing home from then on, with the familiar faces of the staff, and be kept comfortable and have nature take its course. He lived until August - and was content, peaceful and comfortable. His very evident joy when he realised he was back in his own bed, in his own room in the nursing home was enough for me. Weak as he was, as soon as he realised, he started to cry, and said "Is it really, really?"

You said it yourself - "no benefit in trying to prolong his life for our own feelings". And that comes to be the crux of it, doesn't it? Modern medical interventions can keep people going - but there comes a point when we need to ask ourselves, are we prolonging their lives or prolonging their deaths? And are we doing it for their sakes, or for ours? It takes a lot of love to be able to make the decision to let go. xx

 

[fizzie]

I think you have made the right decision too - a very very hard decision (holding your hand), been there and it is tough!

It would be worth asking for the palliative care team to come and advise - it is reassuring to speak to the people who really understand and they may have suggestions which will help your Dad

 

[Gwendy1]

I'm with you on this awful uncertainty. Dad has rallied again, but I made the choice he was to remain in CH if he developed another pneumonia through his swallowing difficulties. The last time dad was in hospital, they stopped treating him- he got better himself, really. So, I could have spared him a week in a strange environment/ambulances/strange people etc... I'm
Sure you're doing the best thing. That's all we can do. Thinking about you. G X


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[Aisling]

I had a phone call from Dads care home today to say dads choking was getting worse to the point they had to give him back slaps. The nurse examined him and said he had crackles on his lung. The GP was then called she told the care home there was nothing to do as he could not take the antibiotics and they were looking at end of life. The home called me as they were concerned the GP hadn't discussed this with me. This came as a bit of a bolt out of the blue as although Dad has a DNR we had not considered the choice of sending him to hospital to be put on a drip, to be in a unfamiliar place, to perhaps rally round to return to choking on his food or to allow him to stay in the home who are still attempting fluids and will care for him in familiar surroundings. But the fear is there of making the wrong choice. Dad is 89 and very frail.
After the initial shock and discussing with family, home and GP I have decided he will stay at the care home but I just hope I have made the right decision for him. The last thing I want for him is to suffer but I don't see the benefit in trying to prolong his life for our own feelings. He has no quality of life left but I am sad he has come this far and I have had to make this difficult choice for him and that he didn't go peacefully in his sleep. I'm not sure people that have no understanding of dementia will understand my decision.

Yes love. You have made the right decision for your Dad. You have made it with courage and love.

Aisling xx