1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

doesn't like it in her own home

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by maggier, Mar 8, 2006.

  1. maggier

    maggier Registered User

    Jan 9, 2006
    78
    manchester
    I think I may have been a bit slow here, but it has finally dawned on me.

    Mum lives in a warden controlled council bungalow (warden never been seen since she moved in 8/9 years ago)

    Since dad died 5 years ago, she has always blamed me for putting her there, and has constantly said she wants to go back to where she lived before . Is this the same as "wanting to go home" i.e. she is not settled where she is because she knows things are appearing to go wrong there, but she (in her mind) is searching for something to make it right and she maybe thinks that living where she lived and brought her children up and everything was rosy with dad and kids at home, was her "happy place"

    She gets very angry sometimes and every day says she is going to see the local councillor to see if he can arrange for her to move back (she never does it, just says it ) but it gets a bit tiring hearing her going on about the same thing every day.

    She says the place she lives is dirty and the woman that had the place before her left it a dirty mess (it was immaculate, as we decorated it right through before she moved in) She also relates it to being the place where dad died, so this may have some bearing on things.

    I don't know if I am right or not, what do you think? She is so convincing though, I am almost tempted to contact the council and see if she can move back to the area she lived in before just for some peace, but what would I do if she carried on the same way there, she cannot keep moving forever.

    Maggie
     
  2. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    My mother hates her house and she's lived there for 52 years. You can't win!

    Lila
     
  3. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #3 Margarita, Mar 8, 2006
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2006
    My mother moved to Gibraltar after my father died after living in UK for 48 years.

    In Gibraltar mum says to me its all your fault I am living hear why did you bring me hear, ?so I move her back to UK.

    Now in UK mum says why did you bring me hear ?it’s all your fault.

    Stay put .Its the AD talking ,I learn the hard way

    PS I felt that living with AD was like a physiological mind trip for me ,with all the moving around mum wanted to do
     
  4. maggier

    maggier Registered User

    Jan 9, 2006
    78
    manchester
    Thanks for your replies especially margarita, your situation sounds exactly like mine. Mum hated the last placed she lived in and said it was my fault for moving her there when it was nothing to do with me, it was a decision made by mum and dad at the time.

    Like you say you cannot win!!

    Hugs

    Maggie x
     
  5. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    836
    Australia
    No place like home - literally

    Maggie,

    We found with Dad that no matter where we took him when he asked to go home he wasn't happy. We even got him to direct us to where he wanted to go home to and still he wasn't happy when he got there.

    So just be careful before you consider seriously trying to move your Mum, could you take her to the area she used to live in (i.e. for a lunch or picnic, or just a walk around) and see if she seems soothed by being there. I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't.

    Best of luck,
     
  6. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Nat, you hit it on the head as you have such a facility to do!

    That is such a powerful way to put it, by using a commonly-used phrase, in a way most of us would never consider.

    Beyond a certain point in the development of dementia, no place is like, or can be, home - in the usual sense.

    Dreadful that may be, but there is little we can do to help the situation, other than ensure that wherever they are is home to them and us, when we are with them. In that way, it may become home by proxy to them also, if only for a short time.
     
  7. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    700
    Oklahoma,USA
    My Mom has also started telling me she doesn't feel like she is home and wants to go there.

    I am reading a book right now called "Final Gifts". It is written by a hospice nurse about the end of life experiences she has had with her patients. It a very uplifting book and I highly recommend it. I started reading it because my father in law has terminal lung cancer and will go into hospice soon.

    One of the things she talks about is how the dying person will often say they want to go home, or the are ready to go home. For years it was thought that they were out of their mind on medication or dilerious. Now they know they are simply ready to "go".

    I am thinking it is possible that my Mom is saying she yearns for the place where she knows she will be healthy, happy and at peace. Rather than somewhere she used to live.

    Food for thought,

    Debbie
     
  8. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear All,

    Rummy - I think you may be right about this.

    My father has been talking about 'going home' for several years now. During the course of the progression of his AD, his vision of 'home' has changed.

    Initially it was to our family home of 40 years which he missed very much, because it was still fresh in his mind. During the last couple of years he has spoken far more about houses that we lived in when I was a child and also before I was born. His most recent 'home' incarnation is his childhood home with his mother and that is the place that he now talks about.

    I recall having a last conversation with my grandmother who was admitted to hospital with cancer at age 96. She was very lucid when she told me that she had done enough living. She said that she had decided to die because she wanted to 'go home' and we said goodbye to each other there and then.

    Perhaps this change of residences to homes further and further in the past is a way of getting ready in your mind to 'go home' finally and peacefully from this life.

    Jude
     
  9. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hello Jude!
    good to hear from you again!

    I tend to agree with what is being said here.

    Perhaps in more general terms, 'home' may mean to them 'somewhere where I felt/feel safe and comfortable' and that is why we can never help them to understand that is where they are. As such, what they seek is a moving target, as their uncertaintly and fear grows.
     
  10. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    700
    Oklahoma,USA
    Thanks Bruce and Jude for your responses. I think it is reassuring that even with a diminishing mind, they have a direction and are trying to convey to us what they are feeling in this way. I think they are constantly trying to give us messages in little ways, we are just not tuned in to catch it.
    From what I've read, all people who are terminal do this, but with mental impairment of AD, it is hard to know. I think it is reassuring that no matter what they are meaning, "home" is that place they yearn to be. Your right, it is that safe and loving place where they can be at peace.

    Debbie
     
  11. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    My wife wants to go home every day.
    I I ask her where is home?
    She will give the address of our present home,where we are sitting as she asks the question.
    The address is given in full including postcode.
    Norman
     
  12. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    this is so like my dad, until he went into respite anyway. every night he would try to beg or bully me into taking him home ........ except he WAS home ........ the home he's been in for 30+ years. i tried checking out the address with him, thinking that perhaps he wanted to go to a previous home, but that wasn't it, he was wanting to go to the address he lives (?lived) at. interestingly, he said to me that he knew it was stupid (his word) but that he wanted to be taken out and brought back to the same place. my guess was that he wanted to be taken out and brought back (back in time?) to that house as it was 30 years ago, where life felt OK for him etc
     
  13. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    618
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    Monique packs up most nights to go home -

    Michael
     
  14. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    I think "home" is a place of safety and comfort, not an address as such.

    As a child, when unwell or frightened, I always wanted to go home, because I knew I would be looked after and safe there.

    As an adult, I still feel the same, if unwell, as soon as I get home I relax and recover in my cocoon until I am ready to face the world again.

    With dementia, no matter where the sufferer is, or who they are with,they can never feel better, so maybe that is what the constant search is all about.

    Kathleen
     
  15. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Michael, just wondering where does Monique say she going to?
     
  16. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    618
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    Home - Which I think is with her (long dead and gone) parents in a town 200 miles away but according to Monique is just down the road..........

    Rightly or wrongly I have been explaining that her parents (and mine) are dead... she informed me the other day that her parents had died.... But none the less she is 'lost' in our house quite frequently...

    We - Monique - are in a slightly different situation from others as we only moved into the house 4 or 5 years ago - then spent 18 months living in the boat - so the posts about 'going home' in this thread have been really useful. I am pretty certain that Monique is reacting not so very differently from all the others.

    Michael
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.