Doesn’t understand why he can’t go out...

louisas32

New member
Mar 31, 2020
2
My mother in law (74) has dementia and lives alone in a flat. She has until the Coronavirus been independent (albeit she drinks far too much) and happily wanders around town on her own. Since Corona she doesn't comprehend the danger that she is to herself and others.
She will not read the laminated notes that we have put up all around her flat and insists on walking into town to buy more wine. She has a 30 second memory and cannot remember to stand 2 metres apart from people. We have spoken to the police to register with them that she may cause a disturbance if someone has a go at her for standing too close. Her GP advises to get in touch with Social Services but they are inundated. We really cannot have her living with us as we have a child who lives partly with us and partly with his mum and she would cease contact if my MIL came to live with us.
Today my husband (her son) went around to see her and make sure she had food and she hit him hard. She is very confused but the violence is a new thing. We have done everything that we have been advised to do by the Dementia Nurses but are at our wits end. The likelihood is that she is merrily wandering around either picking up Coronavirus or passing it onto people in town as she has no concept of Social Distancing. Any advice would be welcomed.
Thank you.
 

nellbelles

Volunteer Host
Nov 6, 2008
8,711
leicester
Hello and welcome to DTP @louisas32
this sounds a very difficult situation for all concerned, with regards to the violence shown to your husband please be aware that involving the police is an option it could lead to her being sectioned but if she is a danger to herself and others her behaviour can not be ignored.
SS need to be told your MIL is a vulnerable person and is not safe to be out by herself and needs an urgent assessment.
now you have found the forum I hope you will continue to post for support at this incredibly difficult time
 

louisas32

New member
Mar 31, 2020
2
Hello and welcome to DTP @louisas32
this sounds a very difficult situation for all concerned, with regards to the violence shown to your husband please be aware that involving the police is an option it could lead to her being sectioned but if she is a danger to herself and others her behaviour can not be ignored.
SS need to be told your MIL is a vulnerable person and is not safe to be out by herself and needs an urgent assessment.
now you have found the forum I hope you will continue to post for support at this incredibly difficult time
I'm grateful to you for your support, thank you. We're trying SS again. Not holding out much hope!
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,055
Yorkshire
hi @louisas32
a warm welcome to DTP
your mother in law is a real worry

you have done as much as you can to alert others to her situation ... keep yourselves safe by restricting visits to only those absolutely necessary

glad you are contacting Social Services again

please also update her GP in light of the aggression she showed your husband ... maybe a tweak of her meds or new ones will help ... maybe she has a UTI brewing ... whatever is going on the GP needs to be informed so it is at least noted on her file to give as full a picture of her sitiation as possible
 

CalT

New member
Apr 1, 2020
1
I’m new to this forum. I have a few ideas that might help. Dad is 86 and is physically fit, but my daughter who is a icu nurse says don’t let him out as if he gets it and goes into hospital he won’t survive. He lives on his own in a flat and is used to going out for a newspaper and to Sainsbury’s local. He has frozen ready meals for his evening meal. I have had real problems stopping him going out in spite of big signs etc. I know he won’t have a clue about social distancing. When challenged about going out (I know he queued outside Sainsbury’s) he said he had to eat (having bought chocolate, cookies and a sandwich). He had soup, but I think he didn’t know what to do with it. I have now bought frozen sliced bread. I have set alarms on my phone and call him in the morning to remind him not to go out and get slices of frozen bread out to defrost (this conversation takes forever!). I’ve also bought cup a soups, as I think he can deal with those. He can’t get his head round the virus thing, but I have organised things so that he hasn’t a reason to go out...unless he starts going out again for a paper.
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
423
My mum was admitted to hospital after a fall 10 days ago and is ready to be discharged. But she is no longer safe at alone, not just a fall risk but also forgetting how to use the toilet or what to do with soiled paper so we were finding piles of poo and dirty paper in her bedroom. Cannot prepare food and is forgetting how to make a cup of tea so was very dehydrated.

We has already reached the conclusion that sadly mum needed to go into a care home but we are unable to visit homes and choose one. None of these concerns were enough to convince the hospital social care team to help us with a placement but we were able to insist that a social worker from her local authority became involved.

Initially she thought that four care visits a day would be enough, but once she realised that mum, despite being 87, is still very mobile and trots off the the local shops several times a day, she panicked due to the lockdown. The social worker then went into melt down when I told her that mum approaches young children in the shop or streets to talk to them or touch their hair! Mum gets very agitated if she cannot go and buy something for her tea ( chocolate and biscuits!) even though we make sure there is always food in the fridge and provide her with a hot meal every day. She has also begun to get verbally abusive and physically threatening to her lovely neighbours who tried to persuade her to go indoors.

So, now they are looking for a temporary placement where mum can go until care homes open again and we can choose an appropriate one near us. Mum will be self funding but it seems that ignoring the lockdown and social distancing means that places can be found. Or at least I hope so, the hospital apparently agree now so we are keeping our fingers crossed!
 

Gladys1946

Registered User
Feb 17, 2019
28
I'm at the end of my tether with my husband. Every day he says he's going to get his hair cut and every day I tell him the same thing. Then he gets angry, says it's stupid and goes out anyway. His Dementia has got so much worse since all this and I'm finding that I'm just not coping with him. I get so bad tempered with him. He's just said he doesn't know what's the matter with me. I do. I'm sick of explaining the situation. We have notes on the door, on the wall but it makes no difference. I don't think anyone can have the faintest idea what it's like to live and care for someone with dementia unless they've experienced it. It's just horrible. Sorry for the rant but things have just got on top of me.
 
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Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,322
Merseyside
I'm at the end of my tether with my husband. Every day he says he's going to get his hair cut and every day I tell him the same thing. Then he gets angry, says it's stupid and goes out anyway. His Dementia has got so much worse since all this and I'm finding that I'm just not coping with him. I get so bad tempered with him. He's just said he doesn't know what's the matter with me. I do. I'm sick of explaining the situation. We have notes on the door, on the wall but it makes no difference. I don't think anyone can have the faintest idea what it's like to live and care for someone with dementia unless they've experienced it. It's just horrible. Sorry for the rant but things have just got on top of me.
Rant away @Gladys1946. That’s what we are here for.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,055
Yorkshire
hi @Gladys1946
counter intuitive as this may sound, maybe say nothing to your husband or something different eg the hairdresser is on holiday and will be back in a couple of weeks, then walk away ... if he goes out, well at least you've cut out the angry at you part
your husband isn't able to process what's really going on, and you are stressing over trying to get through to him which isn't good for your nerves ... he will do what he will do; you are doing all you can and cannot do more ... so, difficult as it is, step back and give yourself the chance to relax a little
I appreciate, easier written than done
 

None the Wiser

Registered User
Feb 3, 2020
40
Sorry, but this is a political response to a personal thread but we are banging our heads against a system.
This situation (Covid19j that we all find ourselves in with our loved ones really highlights the inadequacies of a system that is both stretched to its limits and not fit for purpose. There seems to be no understanding of the unsuitably of the care that is offered to those with dementia, that is, if anything is offered.
The only answer at the moment seems to be to push as hard as you can with social services. It isn’t good enough. We have to make our voices heard somehow, and ensure that the care system is given the same status and support as the National Health Service is beginning to receive.