We finally had to put mum in a home 2 days ago. Probably long over due, we kept her from crisis repeatedly, but failed to see we as sisters had gone into crisis ourselves. She says she isn't going to stay, and I get that. She has no idea there is anything wrong with her, and insists she should contact her mum and brothers ( her mum deceased 23 years ago). I do believe if the care home is good , the staff will be well equipped to cope with those situations. We as family members who have been delivering the constant care find it hard to relinquish our responsibility. Mum will probably deteriorate, this is generally the way. Guilt is something I'm not feeling because it was beyond my capability to manage her effectively, plus we have young families and it is hard on all concerned. Reading the above posts, I know she probably won't give up the going home talk, last night (night 2) they let her call me at 11.23pm. Mum was angry as she needed to go home, I assume the carers thought she was likely to kick off so best to ring me to see if I could diffuse her. I just said I would get her in the morning, as children were in bed. My mum is quite showy, and wouldn't let her defenses down so she gets angry and aggressive instead. Its all fear and we understand it, we just can't manage her 24 hours a day. I am grateful to all of you out there is talk openly and honestly about your experiences, it is the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with, and until you've lived it you can't know it.
Does visiting ever get any easier?
- Thread starter Rosalind297
- Start date
I am so sorry that you had to experience this @Champers, it is my absolutely worst nightmare. On two of my visits, Mum has been quite distressed which knocked the stuffing out of me for days afterward, hence my original question, but none of it was actually directed at me personally.
My Mum seems to very much enjoy the daytime activities at the CH but when sundowning, wanders the corridors looking for an escape.
My own distress comes from the fact that I have spent years of my life looking after her and protecting her and yet when she is at her lowest ebb, as it were, I can do nothing. It is no longer in my power to help her as I once did.
I sometimes wish she could have one more night in her house as I think she would find it frightening to be on her own overnight and probably wouldn’t even recognise where she was. She would miss the security and company at the CH quite quickly I think, in her own confused way. We all know that it isn’t their actual home that they want to go, however, so all we can do is persevere with the way things are now.
Regarding the DoLS, Mum’s CH have said that in our area it can take up to 9 months to achieve and I got the impression that they don’t do it as a matter of course but on a case by case basis. There does seem to be quite a bit of disparity in process between homes.
I feel I could so easily be in your shoes so am sending you what little strength I have left over to spare!
My Mum seems to very much enjoy the daytime activities at the CH but when sundowning, wanders the corridors looking for an escape.
My own distress comes from the fact that I have spent years of my life looking after her and protecting her and yet when she is at her lowest ebb, as it were, I can do nothing. It is no longer in my power to help her as I once did.
I sometimes wish she could have one more night in her house as I think she would find it frightening to be on her own overnight and probably wouldn’t even recognise where she was. She would miss the security and company at the CH quite quickly I think, in her own confused way. We all know that it isn’t their actual home that they want to go, however, so all we can do is persevere with the way things are now.
Regarding the DoLS, Mum’s CH have said that in our area it can take up to 9 months to achieve and I got the impression that they don’t do it as a matter of course but on a case by case basis. There does seem to be quite a bit of disparity in process between homes.
I feel I could so easily be in your shoes so am sending you what little strength I have left over to spare!
Last edited:
Whilst I wouldn’t wish any of this on anyone, it is so reassuring to see from others that this situation is more commonplace than I thought.
The CH manager, by coincidence rang me this morning about another health issue with Mother, so I took the opportunity to run my concerns past her. She is lovely and so easy to talk to. She confirmed that, although Mother occasionally tells people she going home, when I’m not there it’s hardly mentioned. The manager also told me that they don’t have a DoLs for Mother as she perfectly settled and would only require one if she was always trying to leave and expressing distress at being confined. As I suspected, I’m clearly the trigger and her association with home. Apparently, as soon as I leave, she becomes focused on something else so, as already suggested on here, I might have to ignore the conscience monkey and not visit so regularly, particularly as it’s causing distress to both of us.
The CH manager, by coincidence rang me this morning about another health issue with Mother, so I took the opportunity to run my concerns past her. She is lovely and so easy to talk to. She confirmed that, although Mother occasionally tells people she going home, when I’m not there it’s hardly mentioned. The manager also told me that they don’t have a DoLs for Mother as she perfectly settled and would only require one if she was always trying to leave and expressing distress at being confined. As I suspected, I’m clearly the trigger and her association with home. Apparently, as soon as I leave, she becomes focused on something else so, as already suggested on here, I might have to ignore the conscience monkey and not visit so regularly, particularly as it’s causing distress to both of us.
This seem to be the best solution. I am going to see Mum on Saturday morning by which time it will have been a week since my last visit - one which was so upsetting I ended up with a 72 hour migraine. My brother and a family friend go to see her and report back that she’s mostly ok when they see her and that she seems to be sleeping better at night so why rock the boat?
yes it does, in my experience. I think back to when my mum first moved in to her CH and now I cant understand how I even functioned given how stressed I was. I now have the occasional visit that I dread but in general I find it manageable. I too got the "I want to come home with you" when my sister didnt but that has subsided now.
Sending hugs and strength - it WILL get easier
Sending hugs and strength - it WILL get easier
Thank you. I visited yesterday and I got the initial, “Oh thank goodness. You’ve gone to take me home.” But after that, for the first time, Mother didn’t go on and on about going home. She complained that she was “bored” but she never did anything when she was living at home for the last few months anyway. Didn’t even watch tv or read because she had lost the concentration to. At least there’s activities and company in the CH. She also has declined the opportunity to go on organised trips etc so there’s only so much I can do to try and keep her happy.
Thanks @Carrot74 It’s been six weeks for us and, depending on who you listen to, Mum seems to be a bit more settled and is sleeping better (that always made a difference when I cared for her - bad night’s sleep or very early rising = confused and difficult day). Most of the carers seem pleased with her progress. The senior night care manager told me that she was very worried about a mum in the first few weeks as she was always looking for a way out and claiming that, if she wasn’t collected, she would walk home but she is sleeping better now. But other people (one junior carer and one visitor for another resident) tell me that she is still regularly trying to escape. Are the good reports just telling me what I want to hear? I don’t know who to believe particularly as I think my brother’s reports are somewhat edited for my consumption.
We had her at my brother’s home for Christmas lunch and I took her back and stayed with her for a while. That was a little tricky but she began talking to another resident and was ok for me to go as it was get dark. We are trying it again soon so I hope we can get into some sort of routine going.
Alas, for myself, I cannot rid myself of thinking about her constantly and worrying about how she is. I still go in and sometimes she doesn’t have her hearing aids in or her bra on but I sort that out and I sometimes wonder if the carers allow me to do it so that I feel like I’ve been of use. I am not due to go in again until Thursday morning but may pop in on Wednesday afternoon to put my mind at rest.
still early days ...
We had her at my brother’s home for Christmas lunch and I took her back and stayed with her for a while. That was a little tricky but she began talking to another resident and was ok for me to go as it was get dark. We are trying it again soon so I hope we can get into some sort of routine going.
Alas, for myself, I cannot rid myself of thinking about her constantly and worrying about how she is. I still go in and sometimes she doesn’t have her hearing aids in or her bra on but I sort that out and I sometimes wonder if the carers allow me to do it so that I feel like I’ve been of use. I am not due to go in again until Thursday morning but may pop in on Wednesday afternoon to put my mind at rest.
still early days ...
My Mum had the same problem with hearing aids . I spoke to the Manager emphasising that the hearing aids were as important as any medication and should be considered as such and the carers should ensure they were worn everyday and the batteries changed every week. Since then we have had no more problems. Worth a try .
12 weeks ago today that I moved Mother in her CH.
I visited her today and for two visits running not once has she mentioned “going home” or talked about packing her things and walking out. Have we turned a corner? I know anything can change with dementia, but it was so much more pleasant to visit her and make small talk about all sorts of things rather than fielding demands and accusations that we were all conspiring to prevent her leaving. She seemed more passive and content. Usually Mother is criticising me, the carers or the other residents. Today she told me how lovely and clean the place was, how she loved her room and that she was “glad to be out of the cold and in a warm room.”
I came away feeling quite stunned. I’ve got so used to confrontation it has been an incredible relief to drive away not shaking with anger or sobbing.
I visited her today and for two visits running not once has she mentioned “going home” or talked about packing her things and walking out. Have we turned a corner? I know anything can change with dementia, but it was so much more pleasant to visit her and make small talk about all sorts of things rather than fielding demands and accusations that we were all conspiring to prevent her leaving. She seemed more passive and content. Usually Mother is criticising me, the carers or the other residents. Today she told me how lovely and clean the place was, how she loved her room and that she was “glad to be out of the cold and in a warm room.”
I came away feeling quite stunned. I’ve got so used to confrontation it has been an incredible relief to drive away not shaking with anger or sobbing.
