Does the guilt get any easier

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by yorkie46, Sep 15, 2019.

  1. yorkie46

    yorkie46 Registered User

    Jan 28, 2014
    I'm currently finding it very difficult to live with the guilt of my husband going into respite care. He has frontal lobe dementia and in July was in hospital extremely I'll with pneumonia and septic shock. Three days in intensive care when it was very.much touch and go. A week in rehab which really didn't achieve as much as I would have liked. He's now extremely unsteady on his feet and shuffles more than ever. His memory and cognitive function have been badly affected which I know is typical of serious infection. I seem to have to check everything he's done or should have done even more than ever before. I'm waiting for social services to do a needs assessment but they have a waiting list. I'm the meantime I desperately need a break. One of those things they tell us we should have but never tell us how to actually achieve it! Added to this my mum, 95 in a couple of weeks with advanced dementia, fell and broke her hip there's weeks ago. She lived in a care home 250 miles away from me. I really need to go to see her. So I told my husband the only way I could go is if he agreed to respite care. With the help of a friend he was persuaded and I found a care home that will take him for a week, most say two weeks minimum. We visited and he said he would be happy to go there. I have him every opportunity to change his mind before I booked it then booked my train tickets. I know it's the best thing to keep him safe and fed and it's what I wanted but ever since I booked it I've felt dreadfully guilty, as though I'm putting him away. I'm the past I've told other people they shouldn't feel like this so it's come as a bit of a shock that I do. I think it's because he looks to me for all his needs to be met and I don't know if he will ask other people for help if he needs it. I feel like I'm deserting him. Will it get any easier? I'm not sure he'd agree to go again if I need it.
  2. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    East of England
    This is the thought that I think you have to cling on to, you have done everything you can to make sure he is well looked after, a week will pass quickly and you will be back. I have been through the same experience and felt very conflicted about leaving him back in May, but I seemed to be back in a flash. I am having second respite break in a week’s time and still feel anxious but I too desperately need a break and he is much worse now than he was four months ago. Take your courage in both hands and have the break you have organised yorkie.
  3. pevensey

    pevensey Registered User

    Feb 14, 2012
    South East Coast.
    Of course you need a break Yorkie, a well deserved one, but yes unfortunately the guilt fairy is always there waiting to bite you on the bum. My hubby always downright refused to go for respite, even when I wanted to go to my brother inlaws funeral, it was 5nhrsndrive away so would have to stay over and my daughter was driving me there, but couldn't go as hubby wouldn't go to respite. But a couple months ago I was at end of my tether and went to see GP, he came to visit hubby and was shocked how he had deteriorated and told him he needs to go to care home for couple weeks to give me a rest and for him to be assessed. He agreed to go quite happily, I couldn't believe it, and he quite enjoyed it once he settled in there. He was often a bit grumpy with me when I went to see him but all the carers said he was lovely and always chatty and happy !!! He ended up staying 5 weeks as they were slow getting care package sorted for when he came home. Yorkie those few weeks break did me the world of good, I felt guilty of course I did but after the first week I settled down and I'm ashamed to say actually enjoyed seeing my friends whenever I liked and watched what rubbish tv I liked, ate what I liked for my meals, BUT that guilt fairy was ALWAYS standing right behind me, but I would do it again definitly, which will be end of november as I've got wedding to go to, plus hubby is much worse now so it's far harder now, end up in tears lots of days. ENJOY YOUR BREAK and take care
    Look After YOURSELF
  4. Olliebeak

    Olliebeak Registered User

    Sep 13, 2014
    Yes Yorkie it DOES get better! My OH has had five respite weeks in the last 18 months. The first one was terrible. I felt so guilty. Like you I had train tickets booked to go away for a couple of days with a friend and was about to leave when he rang to say he was coming home. The care home were great and allocated staff to keep him company until he settled down. I dreaded picking him up at the end of the week but he was quite happy. Now he knows the place well. While he doesn’t love going he is fine about it. Everyone greets him like an old friend and I can take a break which actually helps me stay sane and keep going.
    When you worked you took your holidays from the daily grind and felt better for it. Now our jobs are 24/7 and we REALLY earn our breaks. Enjoy your time off!

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