1. hazytron

    hazytron Registered User

    Apr 4, 2008
    Mum had been fairly calm for about four weeks. Three days ago she flipped and now seems to really hate me again. This is a common pattern. The episodes usually last about three weeks during which time I travel to hell and back trying to reason with her.She will scream at me and tell me what a dreadful person I am and then when it is all over I am told that I am the best thing since sliced bread. Today I knew she would be low on food but I was told not to bother to shop for her.She said that she wants to be totally independent.My 23 year old son Jack is in hospital with schizophrenia and is very unwell at the moment. I feel I cannot deal with my Mum as well as him. He is my priority as his father died when Jack was only 12. There is no one else there for him.There is no one else for Mum iether, she was widowed five years ago and my brother who lives three hours away, has no time for her.
    I feel afraid for and afraid of my Mum, her temper is vile. I know it is the dementia and not so much her, although she has never been easy. I just need to post this and I think that may help me feel better because I know that there are no miracles out there.
  2. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    No miracles, Hazytron, but lots of sympathy, empathy and understanding. It's so hard being the primary carer for two generations - especially when both need so much support ..... and with next to no family or extended family around or willing to help .....

    Just my opinion - but I think you have your priorities absolutely right - your son MUST come first ...... and I guess my question is 'Who is there for you?' .... (apart from TP of course) .... Are social services aware of the situation?

    Just an idea - but I know I have gone through phases with mum when she has thrown 'tantrums' because she felt she wasn't the one getting the most attention ... is she aware what her grandchild is going through? It's so hard that they don't comprehend and only see their own world ...... and even become jealous of those they actually love ..... ?

    Sorry, probably not much help ..... just ideas ....

    Love, Karen, x
  3. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire
    You must look after yourself and your son first, you cannot deal with everything yourself, and all at once. Contact Social Services re your mum, and let us all know how you go on. Tell them you are at the end of your tether, emphasise that. Don't tell them you are trying to cope, tell them you CANNOT COPE, then they might move.

    If you manage to cope a bit later on, fine. But right now it is not humanely possibly to manage such trauma.

    Let us know what help you are offered. Be insistent.


  4. ishard

    ishard Registered User

    Jul 10, 2007
    #4 ishard, Jun 1, 2008
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2008
    I told my mums CPN that Mum was as you described and Mum was given serequel and shes now a pleasure to be around. No ups and downs with her temper and she seems much happier in herself too.

    Perhaps you need to talk to your mums CPN/GP/Consultant?
  5. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    Indeed. You need to say that you simply cannot cope (and it really sounds as though you can't) with your Mum.

    You need to say that you are frightened by Mum when she goes into these tantrums (and that is exactly what they are - just like a child who has tantrums, except an adult has nothing to fear from a two year old).
  6. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Hello Hazytron

    A basic question, I know, but has your Mum actually been assessed & diagnosed as having dementia? Many of us here have 'known' what's wrong for many years before the medics got involved, but an official diagnosis is necessary in order to access what help there is "out there".

    And no, I don't think your Mum hates you, but her personality is being changed/dominated by a condition she does not understand & probably doesn't recognise. Neither does she recognise the hurt she's causing you, or the other stresses you are dealing with.

    You do need help; you can't cope (and if you continue to try, your son will miss out on the contact & support HE needs) so shout it out loud, repeatedly. Remember, it's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease!

    Best wishes
  7. andrear

    andrear Registered User

    Feb 13, 2008
    HI there

    My dad sounds yjust like your mum. Dad has his tantrusm on a regular basis and no matter what you say or do its the wrong thing.
    But, your son must come first. If, not, then who else is there to look after him and indeed you when you become ill from trying to do so much.
    I look after mum and dad, and its a real strain. Even dads GP is wary of him. Dad refuses medication, but perhaps your mums GP could help out with that for you. Even though you know its the dementia, it doesn't help does it? Some days I come home and I really believe that I'm this goddamned awful person that dad thinks I am. Yet, mum says that dad is looking out for me each day I arrive and is looking forward to me arriving safely - yet when I arrive its just a torrant of abuse, and then its the punches or indeed last Friday, for the first time was kicking.
    Take care of yourself and remember you and your son must come first.
    Love AndreaXX
  8. Ditto

    Ditto Registered User

    May 17, 2008
    Cape Town
    All I can say is same here...Ditto, Ditto, Ditto.....

    It's an unnerving pattern especially when one is giving up so much of themselves to take care of their patients and loved ones. Just be sure that it's not you they hate, but perhaps rather themselves and their condition. I'm always being told not to take it to heart when I'm venomously referred to as "that awful girl". It doesn't happen often and I know it's not meant, but nevertheless, it's very hurtful.

    My patient has just been prescribed Serequel and as its only been a week, there's not much change. I do hope it does the trick for her too.

    Take care

    Ditto :)
  9. hazytron

    hazytron Registered User

    Apr 4, 2008
    Thankyou everyone for your replies. No miracles but all comments gratefully received.
    Have been in touch with Social Worker today who in turn will speak with CPN. Mum has had more tantrums today equalling infact surpassing the worst up to date.
    Social worker has suggested that I take a step back, saying that Mum is not classed as being at risk in her own home. (She has been diagnosed with dementia and takes gallantamine and citalopram for anxiety.) So, I did a big shop for her, delivered it, was told to take it all away or else she would leave it outside my door (she lives just across the road from me).
    So far she has not returned it, so I feel comfortable in knowing she has food and will do my best to keep away for at least 24 hours. Not easy when I am receiving damming mesages left on my answer machine.
    In the meantime my son has been transferred to another hospital, an hour and a half away for intensive care. I think she has genuine concerns for him and cares for him greatly but she shows no awareness of the hell that I am going through, knowing how ill that he is.
    Thankyou again
  10. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006

    Like it or not your SON is and must be your number 1 priority

    Your Mother will go her own way regardless of whatever you try to do

    I know I have been there

    You just have to step back and wait for "the crisis to happen"

    The less you do the quicker that will come and then SS etc will have to step in and deal with it
  11. hazytron

    hazytron Registered User

    Apr 4, 2008
    Have been to a case review today and those present were GP, SW, CPN and Leslie form our local branch of Alzeimers Society. GP was excellent and put up a good case in saying that to avoid myself becoming a casualty something had to be done. CPN is going to look into Mum having some additional medication to ease her paranoid tendencies and to ease her into accepting some home care. Leslie pointed out that too many new faces to Mum could be confusing and more upsetting for her so we will stick with a support worker who already visits now and again for a chat and who will step up on support ie. take her shopping initially and build on that.
    SS is going to encourage Mum to attend Day Care for more than her current once a week. This will be tough because she resents paying but it was explained that the bill could come to me and that she would be none the wiser, I have my doubts!!!
    It is now almost two weeks since Mum entered this latest Episode and her angry temper shows no sign of subsiding. In the meantime my son has been transferred to a hospital, over an hours' journey from me, for intensive mental health care. How bad can it get?
    I will keep you posted.
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Hazel

    It`s good to hear your mother is going to get some help, and so it will be better for you, but I`m so sorry to hear about your son.
    Take care xx
  13. sarah<3

    sarah<3 Registered User

    Apr 12, 2008
    it must be so hard for you
    my cousin has schizophrenia, so i kind of know how hard it is.
    his dad also died when he was younger, he was shot
    your mum knows how much you love her, and she will understand
    lots of love
  14. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear Hazel,

    I sincerely hope the answer to your question is, 'This is as bad as it gets'!

    You certainly have more than your share to cope with at the moment. I hope there is a solution soon for your mum, and that your son is soon better.

    And for you I hope for a period of calm so that you can have time to relax a little.

  15. hendy

    hendy Registered User

    Feb 20, 2008
    West Yorkshire
    Dear Hazel
    I was saddened to hear of the problems you are having to endure at the present time. You desperately need to know that mum is receiving as much care support as possible. You must go to your son. An hours distance there is a long way. I do feel so much for you all. I've dropped you a pm.
    take care

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