does love change

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by marmarlade, Mar 13, 2018.

  1. marmarlade

    marmarlade Registered User

    Jan 26, 2015
    when I was looking after my hubby the love seemed to be that of caring and looking after him.I never doubted that I still loved him,but since he passed away the love seemed to have gone back to love as a couple.I know he,s not here but the love I have for him some times seem to over whelm me,does any one else have these feelings
  2. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    @marmarlade I feel exactely the same. My husband passed away nearly two years ago and I now see my husband and love him as my husband. Gone has the carer/caree love.
  3. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    @marmarlade and @jaymor I 'd say you are lucky to have had and still have such strong feelings in your hearts.
    It would be so sad to realize, when all is over, that there is nothing left.
  4. highland girl

    highland girl Registered User

    Jul 30, 2017
  5. highland girl

    highland girl Registered User

    Jul 30, 2017
    Hi I am new to this, it’s good to know that you can remember the good times, I always worry that when the time comes I will just remember the caring side of the relationship.
  6. carolynp

    carolynp Registered User

    Mar 4, 2018
    Western Australia
    Dear Marmarlade I too want to thank you from my heart for your words re your restored original memories now. You give me so much hope. My husband with FTD is at moderate stage and personality is affected. I look at photos of 30 years ago with our young boys and cannot recognise their handsome, vital, cheerful father. I feel so heartened now to know those wonderful memories are still intact and will return one day. THANK YOU. Carolyn. xxx
  7. DeMartin

    DeMartin Registered User

    Jul 4, 2017
    Although it’s not my oh that’s affected but my parents I have a mental picture I focus on, as I leave my dad in his bed, I don’t see that, I see a day in June, and him and I eating ice cream on the beach, he was 88 he’s now 92, Because of this I hope I can blur the reality and remember the good.
  8. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    The photograph of my husband that was in the sitting room, was one of him taken 4 years ago, two years before his passing and his 7th year of living with dementia.

    I was going through a large box of photographs intending to go through the scenic ones and throw away any that I could not remember where they were taken. I found a photo of my husband that was taken in his mid to late forties and it was one of those lightbulb moments, that’s my husband, that’s the picture I carry in my head not the one sitting in the frame downstairs. So I changed it, that was my moment I realised that my love was for my husband and not the man I cared for with dementia.

    We had been married for just a couple of months short of 50 years so more years without dementia than with. No I can’t forget the 11 years that dementia robed us of our retirement and how hard it was for him but I can’t and won’t let it take my good memories.
  9. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    @Marmalade. Yes I have similar feelings. My husband died almost a year and ten months ago after having had dementia for at least 15 years, 10 years at home and 5 years in a care home. He had become the complete opposite of all he had been, and was dreadfully verbally aggressive. There were times when I thought he hated me.

    After many months in the care home things improved, the man he was appeared from time to time, he would be affectionate and loving. Our love for each other had not been killed off by dementia as I feared, but buried beneath the debris of the dreadful symptoms.

    @jaymore. What you wrote could have been me writing. For years I couldn't look at photos because of the pain comparing Henry as he was with how he became. Then almost a year ago I moved house and have had to deal with loads of photos - and still to finish. I dreaded it but to my surprise and joy they were a huge comfort and helped so much.

    We were married just short of 58 years when Henry died so as you say, many more years without dementia... I can't obliterate the dementia years but have fiercely refused to allow them to dominate. They still intrude but increasingly I feel in memory I have my husband back. The love is strong.

    I hope reading this thread may help others....

    Loo xx
  10. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    I am feeling fairly low at present but your words and emotions hearten me. John is going through a phase at present of being aware in a way I have not seen in years and it distresses me greatly because he tells me he is struggling. I can only continue to care and cannot cure and feel that I am failing somehow.

    The man he was seems closer but far from well.
  11. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Registered User

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    My mother had a long (over 15 years) and tumultuous disease progress. At times, her behaviour and the changes were almost overwhelming.

    She died August 2016 and now I am remembering her as she really was, not what the disease did to her.

    We moved in October and in the process I found so many letters she had written me over the years, from the 80s and 90s. When I reread them, I can really hear her voice. It is lovely.
  12. Soobee

    Soobee Registered User

    Aug 22, 2009
    gosh. I have the other perspective here. I miss dementia mum because she was so much nicer and less stressed out. All the negative feelings she had towards us had been stripped away so we perhaps saw some of the mum that dad had originally fallen in love with.

    I watched an old video clip of my parents from 1997 recently. I had forgotten how bad she actually was until seeing the clip put me on edge again. She was nagging my dad the whole time, that's what she always did.

    "Paul come and sit here out of the way..." and then five minutes later "why aren't you getting involved?" "because you told me to come here out of the way!"

    Everything was a battle. Once vascular dementia was a couple of years in, none of that remained, but she could still hold a conversation for a while.

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