Does grieving make you tired?

[Mjaqmac]

I know there's quite a few of us who have lost our loved ones recently.

It's been 4 months since I lost my mum and I was wondering if grieving makes you totally exhausted? I seemed to go at 100 miles an hour after mum died, I was busy fighting with complaints about mum's care etc, which I think helped me avoid breaking down because I felt I was still doing something worthwhile for her.

Now I am totally wiped out. Do others whom have suffered a loss feel like this?

 

[Jude]

Dearest Magic,

The loss of your Mother is bound to leave you feeling totally flattened and emotionally exhausted. There is so much to do around the immediate time - making funeral plans and just getting through that day; sorting out finances; clearing up and parting with treasured possessions. All this has to be done and dealt with at a time when you are very vunerable and at your lowest ebb. And all that stress - even before you can even begin to start greiving and working towards healing the hurt and enormous gap in your life.

Many people only have to deal with this huge burden once or twice in their lives, which is probably quite enough.

Individuals dealing with AD on a daily basis have so many losses over time, which all add up and take their ultimate toll. Initially we have to deal with and come to terms with the loss of a loved one who succumbs to AD. In many ways our parent, spouse or friend has already left our 'reality' and we are left in a pre-bereavement stage which so often goes unrecognised or understood by others.

As we proceed to being carers, we are forced to watch the decline of our loved one. In doing so, we lose our own sense of self as well. Our own identities and lives get swallowed up in the sheer necessity of caring for those whom we love so much and whom society so sadly writes off, with a scare acknowledgement of their lifelong contribution.

AD is a totally no-win situation. From the initial diagnosis of AD until the moment that we lay our loved one to rest, we face loss and grief on a daily basis.
The huge daily sacrifice made by carers is perhaps something that we don't account for in our prolonged grieving process.

Give yourself time Magic.

Jude xx

 

[Ruthie]

Dear Magic

I felt absolutely wiped out in the latter stages of caring for my husband at home, and devastated and exhausted for 3 months after he went into care permanently 18 months ago. Although I started to feel that I had to pick up the threads and engage with life again, and even got a very nice little part time job, I still felt exhausted.

Now, I don't want to worry you, as it is almost certain that your emotional and physical exhaustion is simply because of all you have been through, but may I suggest that you go to your GP and get a thorough check-up. There may be a simple physical reason eg anaemia which isn't helping you recover.

I say this because 6 months after my husband went into care I was diagnosed with cancer. I now realise that if I had been feeling as exhausted and down as I was, without the "excuse" of the stress of everything that went with looking after my husband, I would have realised that something was wrong physically and would have been to see my GP much sooner.

Please, please, don't think you have anything serious wrong, but you owe it to yourself to get checked out.

Thinking of you.

Kindest regards

Ruthie

 

[Kathleen]

Dear Magic

I understand totally how you are feeling. My mum is an AD sufferer and my lovely dad died suddenly last September after looking after mum so well for over two years of her illness, after 54 years of marriage.

When dad first died, all my energy went into practical things, making sure that mum was well looked after and as safe and happy as possible in the care home she had been in for the two weeks of dads illness, arranging the funeral, sorting out their home and possesions, storing all mums things in case she ever asked about any of them.etc

Then,mum who seems not to realise that dad is not around as she has never once asked about him,took to wandering and we had all the anxiety of that and very reluctantly had to move her as she was no longer safe. After a few weeks she was really settled and that was when I had time at last to relax a little, and the exhaustion and grief I had been fighting for so long hit me like a ton of bricks and I was a mess for days.

It was overwhelming and quite scary, I cried buckets for dad and the cruel end to his full and active life, I cried because he had so much love for mum and he fought so hard not to leave her, but he could not have come home again so in death at least he can watch over her still. I still miss him so very much as I do mum.

I am tired much of the time but it is slowly getting easier and some days I don't cry at all some I weep at the silliest things, but I am coping and it will I am told get better with time.

There is no "normal" way to feel after the loss of someone we love,so be kind to yourself and take as long you need to grieve and adjust to your new way of life. It is a bumpy road but not impassable.

Thinking of you
Kathleen
x

 

[connie]

Dearest Magic, come on, cut yourself some slack.....I realise you are not getting the support you deserve from the rest of the family.......but you must look after yourself.

Come on sweetheart, your wedding day is soon!!!!!!! Try to take things calmer, and just concentrate on you and your intended... Things will work out.

Of course you are still totally devestated about 'wee mummy'. You would not be 'you' otherwise. But you now own it to yourself to take time for 'you'

Visit the doctors, tell them how you are feeling, get yourself checked out in every possible way, and then, slowly but surely, try to rebuild your life.

Love and very best wishes, Connie