I'm sorry in advance, because I really need to unload today and my poor husband is getting sick of hearing about it I fear.
My mom was diagnosed with AD about 5 years ago and I've been managing things since then, with minimal help from my 4 siblings. Since last summer my mom hasn't been able to be alone. After trying many different strategies, including residential care (which lasted only 4 days) my daughter and her boyfriend offered to move in with my mom to care for her. My daughter is going to school part- time, and at the time her boyfriend had just been laid off from his roofing job. Between the 2 of them, someone is always with my mom. They don't leave her alone. As you can well understand- it's quite challenging for them, but they care very much for my mom and do the best they can. It's been a huge learning and growing experience for them as well.
When they moved in, my siblings and I discussed the terms (how much my mom should pay them, what days and hours they could have off, etc) and we agreed they should have some scheduled days off per week (we decided on 2) and several weekend days off per month as well. Between the 4 siblings who live within an hours' drive, I suggested that we would be able to visit mom ourselves on some weekends to let my daughter have a break. Unfortunately, I work 2 out of every 3 weekends, so I have limited ability to do this. My brothers and sister have all seemed to pretty much washed their hands of the situation since my daughter moved in. Asking them for help is like pulling teeth. Every time I ask for help, I'm told they are too busy or it's too difficult for them for whatever reason.
Last night my daughter wanted to attend someone's wedding. In fact, she and her boyfriend had agreed to "work" at the wedding for someone they know. They would be paid to serve or something like that. This was agreed to many months ago, before they moved in with my mother. We asked my siblings if anyone could come and stay with my mom, or take her to their home, for the evening and possibly overnight since the wedding was likely to go late. My sister agreed to take her in the afternoon, but wanted to bring her to my home to stay over because "she doesn't have the room". She has a 3-bedroom home and one child. I suggested could the child sleep somewhere else and let my mom have her bed for the night. Apparently that wasn't going to work for her, so she said she would come and stay in a hotel near my mom's house and asked if my mom could pay half. I assumed the plan was to take my mom to the hotel with her overnight and I agreed. I just wanted a solution so that everyone was satisfied.....well, then I start getting text messages...first from my daughter saying that they weren't taking my mom to the hotel- my sister was going to stay with my mom until they returned from the wedding, then go stay in the hotel herself. I guess we had a misunderstanding, but that annoyed me right away. Then, my sister starts texting me and saying she resents being asked to take care of mom while my daughter is out making money somewhere. She's saying she thinks it would just be better if mom was placed into "professional" care somewhere and that it would be better "for everyone" that way.
She's angry because she thinks I am always judging her and that she and my other siblings are always letting me down and that they don't do enough in my eyes. She is right. I think they aren't willing to help and it makes me angry! My mom wants to stay in her own home and I'm trying to help her do that for as long as possible. I just feel like my family wishes I would just place her into care so they can stop feeling guilty for not helping. They think I am taking advantage of my mom's situation to provide my daughter a "free" place to live while she's in school. I often wonder if they even realize what it's like to care for someone with dementia 24 hours a day!
Ok, rant over. I'm just exhausted by all of this. Sick and Tired
My mom was diagnosed with AD about 5 years ago and I've been managing things since then, with minimal help from my 4 siblings. Since last summer my mom hasn't been able to be alone. After trying many different strategies, including residential care (which lasted only 4 days) my daughter and her boyfriend offered to move in with my mom to care for her. My daughter is going to school part- time, and at the time her boyfriend had just been laid off from his roofing job. Between the 2 of them, someone is always with my mom. They don't leave her alone. As you can well understand- it's quite challenging for them, but they care very much for my mom and do the best they can. It's been a huge learning and growing experience for them as well.
When they moved in, my siblings and I discussed the terms (how much my mom should pay them, what days and hours they could have off, etc) and we agreed they should have some scheduled days off per week (we decided on 2) and several weekend days off per month as well. Between the 4 siblings who live within an hours' drive, I suggested that we would be able to visit mom ourselves on some weekends to let my daughter have a break. Unfortunately, I work 2 out of every 3 weekends, so I have limited ability to do this. My brothers and sister have all seemed to pretty much washed their hands of the situation since my daughter moved in. Asking them for help is like pulling teeth. Every time I ask for help, I'm told they are too busy or it's too difficult for them for whatever reason.
Last night my daughter wanted to attend someone's wedding. In fact, she and her boyfriend had agreed to "work" at the wedding for someone they know. They would be paid to serve or something like that. This was agreed to many months ago, before they moved in with my mother. We asked my siblings if anyone could come and stay with my mom, or take her to their home, for the evening and possibly overnight since the wedding was likely to go late. My sister agreed to take her in the afternoon, but wanted to bring her to my home to stay over because "she doesn't have the room". She has a 3-bedroom home and one child. I suggested could the child sleep somewhere else and let my mom have her bed for the night. Apparently that wasn't going to work for her, so she said she would come and stay in a hotel near my mom's house and asked if my mom could pay half. I assumed the plan was to take my mom to the hotel with her overnight and I agreed. I just wanted a solution so that everyone was satisfied.....well, then I start getting text messages...first from my daughter saying that they weren't taking my mom to the hotel- my sister was going to stay with my mom until they returned from the wedding, then go stay in the hotel herself. I guess we had a misunderstanding, but that annoyed me right away. Then, my sister starts texting me and saying she resents being asked to take care of mom while my daughter is out making money somewhere. She's saying she thinks it would just be better if mom was placed into "professional" care somewhere and that it would be better "for everyone" that way.
She's angry because she thinks I am always judging her and that she and my other siblings are always letting me down and that they don't do enough in my eyes. She is right. I think they aren't willing to help and it makes me angry! My mom wants to stay in her own home and I'm trying to help her do that for as long as possible. I just feel like my family wishes I would just place her into care so they can stop feeling guilty for not helping. They think I am taking advantage of my mom's situation to provide my daughter a "free" place to live while she's in school. I often wonder if they even realize what it's like to care for someone with dementia 24 hours a day!
Ok, rant over. I'm just exhausted by all of this. Sick and Tired