Does Anyone Still Shed A Tear Just Over Two After Death?

[DesperateofDevon]

Dear @DesperateofDevon

No you are not a freak. I have a memory which does both for me. To cut a long story short me and mum found ourselves at a loose end one windy autumn afternoon. Leaves were falling from the trees and on a whim me and mum spent 30 odd minutes trying to catch them. Utterly failed, ended up holding each other and laughing out loud. I remember the laughter then I feel the pain of her loss. Pre Dementia memory. How can such a vibrant person be totally gone.

I recently read that we can honour our lost loved ones by living a full and positive life. I try to hold onto that thought but in all honesty in my low moments it just feels like empty words.

I have read your recent posts and you have my deepest empathy. I mostly met with kindness and professionalism from health workers, but clearly this is not universal. Please accept my apology on behalf of others who do not seem to appreciate the harm they are doing to others. Maybe one day their turn will come, or that of a loved one and they will learn at that moment what caring really is about. We can live in hope.

Yesterday was a good day for me, today another crushingly low one. I suspect mum’s illness and the circumstances of her death will never fully leave me emotionally. But each autumn falling leaves will give me a bitter sweet memory. Please take care in future. I truly hope one day Desperate of Devon can perhaps become Calm of Devon. My very best wishes.

Thank you for your beautiful words
- we lost Dad in December 2019 & he loved Christmas . The lights & time to connect with family . Living my best life is how I try to live my life , it’s the best way to honour a loved ones memory …. & yes being the best version of yourself is at times impossible . I feel like a human yo-yo at times. Yes the ache of loss is their lurking always in the back ground , but I can remember Dad & his joie de vie & smile , laugh even at times . During the stressful times dealing with accessing care for Mum I feel that gut punching loss again.
it seems that when you love & are loved so completely & unconditionally that the other side of that coin is the feeling of loss, bereavement, the grief .
At times I feel I have my life balance back for a while & then I spiral down again. So I now view life like a computer & reboot ! Does it work ? Not really but I feel as if I am actually trying to do something positive
X

 

[Whisperer]

Thank you for your beautiful words
- we lost Dad in December 2019 & he loved Christmas . The lights & time to connect with family . Living my best life is how I try to live my life , it’s the best way to honour a loved ones memory …. & yes being the best version of yourself is at times impossible . I feel like a human yo-yo at times. Yes the ache of loss is their lurking always in the back ground , but I can remember Dad & his joie de vie & smile , laugh even at times . During the stressful times dealing with accessing care for Mum I feel that gut punching loss again.
it seems that when you love & are loved so completely & unconditionally that the other side of that coin is the feeling of loss, bereavement, the grief .
At times I feel I have my life balance back for a while & then I spiral down again. So I now view life like a computer & reboot ! Does it work ? Not really but I feel as if I am actually trying to do something positive
X

Hello

The old BT advert use to say it is good to talk. In a strange way this forum does prove that point. I had not thought about life having numerous reboots. I meditate each day saying verses I created when I first started to care for mum. Part of it goes “Please give me the physical strength, patience and the capacity to love to ensure that mum stays happy, safe and secure”. Following mum’s death I have amended it to project my words onto helping others. The problem is Covid. I had hoped to get involved with voluntary work but so much is closed down or severely restricted.

I realise now I am on my own in this world. I have to be my own best friend, supporter, adviser and consort. Could be faced with thirty odd years of that going on which is daunting. Logically I feel lonely because I am alone, but in a Covid world where people my age and older are rightly being cautious where do you create new friends? I have not thought of Christmas alone yet, with mum’s pending birthday my next event to clear. I found in the caring role over the years birthdays and Christmas seemed to shrink more each year.

Any way thanks for your reply. That was good of you when you have so much else on your plate. Hope the reboots keep working for you. Best wishes for the future.

 

[MaNaAk]

I feel laughter and sadness all the time after dad's death and the memories are a comfort.

MaNaAk

 

[Marcelle123]

Over three years now it is since Mum's death, but I still haven't really got used to it. Because I was the one that had to hold it all together, I have never been able to cry. But I sometimes feel close to tears when I want to tell her something and realise she's just not there - that's when I think of her pre-dementia self & how I used to consult her about health and other worries.

And I feel desolate and angry when I think of the horror of Mum's dementia, of times at the care home or in hospital when she was in nasty accusing mode, of the days she was lying unconscious on the syringe driver and I was sitting there with my husband and my estranged sister - estranged because of the nasty way my sister behaved to me when I chose Mum's care home but I felt I had to swallow it and go on working with her for Mum's sake. That is still unresolved because she hasn't apologised and I feel I have to keep my distance for my own mental health or my stress levels will go through the roof.

This forum is probably the only place where I can say how I really feel about it all. But one comfort I had recently when I woke up in the small hours to brood is that there were many pleasant hours visiting Mum in her marvellous care home and that was a bonus.

I feel that her passing has made me much more aware of mortality and I can feel alarmed and depressed, especially as these covid times are keeping us all in a sort of prison. I want to get out and do things and enjoy myself, the best way to 'move on' and assimilate my loss, but it isn't possible.

Thank you for starting this thread, @MaNaAk . It is a sort of comfort to know that other people can feel the same, and a bigger comfort to read of those who are starting to deal with their loss more successfully.

 

[Whisperer]

I feel that her passing has made me much more aware of mortality and I can feel alarmed and depressed, especially as these covid times are keeping us all in a sort of prison. I want to get out and do things and enjoy myself, the best way to 'move on' and assimilate my loss, but it isn't possible.

Thank you for starting this thread, @MaNaAk . It is a sort of comfort to know that other people can feel the same, and a bigger comfort to read of those who are starting to deal with their loss more successfully.

Dear @Marcelle123 thank you for your open post to this thread. I fully agree with your points about
1) Being much more aware of human mortality. My fear is Dementia will one day come for me which I could not face on my own. Six years of caring showed me what a horror show that can be.
2) That COVID-19 restrictions and concerns prevent ex Carers from moving forward and assimilating our loss.

Over six years of caring I lost contact with prior work colleagues and friends. Added to that since mum’s death I have had very little contact with my two siblings who live locally. Not sure if this is their way of dealing with the loss or they are just busy getting on with their lives with partners, families and on going working lives. They do not call or visit. Perhaps visiting a family home they have not been in since March 2020 is upsetting to them, but what about the impact on me. As executor of mum’s will I had to arrange a minimal COVID-19 funeral and deal with the estate, whilst bitterly upset at the loss of my mother. The moment I could really do with contact and support it seems it is to be missing from my life, I am advised to “move on” but not how to. How do you restart friendships from six years ago, get a job at 62yo, move forward when you have no partner or children.

I now accept my future companions will be I, me, myself, etc. It is about six months since mum died. I feel as if six years of my life caring for mum now add up to not a lot in the rest of the world. Politicians, health professionals make positive sounds about the role of Carers, but once that role ends you are apparently very much on your own. Please understand I will never regret caring for mum. She needed me in her later years and my love for her meant I was always going to do my very best for her. Again I am not wallowing in self pity, aware that many other Carers are facing the same issues, as you mention estrangement from your own sibling.

I totally agree that this forum is a safe place for Carers and ex Carers to visit and express feelings which perhaps only others who have cared for a loved one long term can understand.

I will not wish you to “move on”, a meaningless statement mostly mouthed by those who were not really impacted by a death. I will hope that you can find peace with yourself, enjoy pre Dementia memories of your mum and slowly find a way to assimilate with general life. As one who still feels mostly detached from life, a viewer of it not a participant, I wish the same things for myself, not knowing when it will actually start to happen. Best wishes with your future.

 

[Marcelle123]

Thank you, @Whisperer, for your kind and sensible words. I hope that you too will be able to find peace and purpose in your new life, and that companionship too may be offered. xxx

 

[MaNaAk]

In two days time it will be mum's thirteenth anniversary four days before my birthday. When she passed away I didn't feel I grieved properly because I wanted to look out for dad who was trying to hide his grief. I still dream about her as if she was here and she's been with me throughout my role as a carer. When dad passed away I felt as if I was grieving for both of them and I still do. It's usually if I hear a piece of music or see a photo. Recent events with the house made it worse but it that's gone now and today I had an olive branch from my brother.

MaNaAk