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Does Anyone Still Shed A Tear Just Over Two After Death?

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,270
0
Southampton
Just changing and found linen and found linen that used to be on dad's bed and the emotions come back. In two weeks it will be mum's anniversary.

MaNaAk
lots of things will catch up and probably for a long time. catch you unawares like a scent or aftershave. how long has it been since your mum dies?
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,138
0
Essex
Mum died in 2008 and dad in 2019 but the problem is that when dad passed away to a certain extent I grieved for her and both of them as a couple and even my nana. Also the other problem is that I remember how the house was cleared and my youngest gremlin and his partner dumping everything in the front garden. I know you have to harden yourself to it but they were robotic and I wasn't able to talk to them about how I was feeling. His partner said I could talk about dad later.

MaNaAk

PS: @jennifer1967 when you do your clearing take things at your pace.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,270
0
Southampton
Mum died in 2008 and dad in 2019 but the problem is that when dad passed away to a certain extent I grieved for her and both of them as a couple and even my nana. Also the other problem is that I remember how the house was cleared and my youngest gremlin and his partner dumping everything in the front garden. I know you have to harden yourself to it but they were robotic and I wasn't able to talk to them about how I was feeling. His partner said I could talk about dad later.

MaNaAk

PS: @jennifer1967 when you do your clearing take things at your pace.
i understand that @MaNaAk . its like a unit and both your parent. i dont think about my mums death without my nans death who died a few years later than my mum which is the wrong way round really. it would have been good to talk about her dad naturally as the memories were crowding in on you as you cleared the house. is he scared to show his own emotions? maybe was protecting himself? this compounded the loss for you i think.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,752
0
Mum died in 2008 and dad in 2019 but the problem is that when dad passed away to a certain extent I grieved for her and both of them as a couple and even my nana. Also the other problem is that I remember how the house was cleared and my youngest gremlin and his partner dumping everything in the front garden. I know you have to harden yourself to it but they were robotic and I wasn't able to talk to them about how I was feeling. His partner said I could talk about dad later.

MaNaAk

PS: @jennifer1967 when you do your clearing take things at your pace.

You probably did the same as me @MaNaAk When the first parent dies, you don't have time to grieve properly because the newly bereaved parent becomes your whole focus and your only connection to the parent that you have just lost. It helped my cope with losing mum by giving dad more and more attention and because of this we became very close.

My brother was the complete opposite and just got on with his own life as he always had until he saw just how nice dads empty house was and then he couldn't wait to get in there. I looked after dad, I looked after everything to do with dad and it was all very sad to see the gleeful rush to clear the place because it would be so ideal for them.

Just different people I suppose.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,138
0
Essex
You probably did the same as me @MaNaAk When the first parent dies, you don't have time to grieve properly because the newly bereaved parent becomes your whole focus and your only connection to the parent that you have just lost. It helped my cope with losing mum by giving dad more and more attention and because of this we became very close.

My brother was the complete opposite and just got on with his own life as he always had until he saw just how nice dads empty house was and then he couldn't wait to get in there. I looked after dad, I looked after everything to do with dad and it was all very sad to see the gleeful rush to clear the place because it would be so ideal for them.

Just different people I suppose.
Just re-read this and that was the trouble they could have done more caring but were very quick with the clearing.

MaNaAk
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,270
0
Southampton
Just re-read this and that was the trouble they could have done more caring but were very quick with the clearing.

MaNaAk
some people are better being practical than supporting a person emotionally. in some ways its good because they got it done but they should have understood your need for emotional support. at least you had friends to share your memories of your dad. i find friends are usually better
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,138
0
Essex
some people are better being practical than supporting a person emotionally. in some ways its good because they got it done but they should have understood your need for emotional support. at least you had friends to share your memories of your dad. i find friends are usually better
Same here.

MaNaAk
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
3,242
0
I don’t just shed a tear , but still find at times the grief overwhelming. The most painful part of grieving at times is what I perceive as a lack of humanity in others, & feeling isolated by others behaviour.
Finding comfort in gardening & creating & nurturing my own environment has been therapeutic. I can talk about those now no longer with us , but find photos & personal items too poignant at the moment. That time will come. I try to look forward & only bring positive memories with me & it does help.
As I’m tying this I have “leaky eyes” so my lovely yes I still have tears. X
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,138
0
Essex
I don’t just shed a tear , but still find at times the grief overwhelming. The most painful part of grieving at times is what I perceive as a lack of humanity in others, & feeling isolated by others behaviour.
Finding comfort in gardening & creating & nurturing my own environment has been therapeutic. I can talk about those now no longer with us , but find photos & personal items too poignant at the moment. That time will come. I try to look forward & only bring positive memories with me & it does help.
As I’m tying this I have “leaky eyes” so my lovely yes I still have tears. X
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<Hugs>>>>≥>>>>>>>>
I found that caring could be very lonely especially when I was trying to get my diabetic dad to eat a square meal. The other times was when I was fighting for appropriate care for him.

MaNaAk
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
3,242
0
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<Hugs>>>>≥>>>>>>>>
I found that caring could be very lonely especially when I was trying to get my diabetic dad to eat a square meal. The other times was when I was fighting for appropriate care for him.

MaNaAk
The “fighting “to access the care to meet a loved ones needs has caused me the most heartache. The impact of the stress of this has spread into all corners of my life, leaving me feel isolated , alone & grieving that no matter what I did / do it’s never enough to resolve the issues.
Being told repeatedly that Dementia patients don’t get hospice care , each stage of dementia & accessing care as needs change has been a battle. Sadly even at End of life, but I hold out hope that it will change; just not in time for my loved ones on this journey. I grieve not only for the person I have lost but I grieve the issues encountered within the system. It’s sad to wonder when humanity became blurred by finances.
More frequently I hear in care discussions were is the humanity in this situation.
That I believe is the crux of the issue. Without this patients become a statistic & statistics numbers , numbers don’t have needs .
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,138
0
Essex
The “fighting “to access the care to meet a loved ones needs has caused me the most heartache. The impact of the stress of this has spread into all corners of my life, leaving me feel isolated , alone & grieving that no matter what I did / do it’s never enough to resolve the issues.
Being told repeatedly that Dementia patients don’t get hospice care , each stage of dementia & accessing care as needs change has been a battle. Sadly even at End of life, but I hold out hope that it will change; just not in time for my loved ones on this journey. I grieve not only for the person I have lost but I grieve the issues encountered within the system. It’s sad to wonder when humanity became blurred by finances.
More frequently I hear in care discussions were is the humanity in this situation.
That I believe is the crux of the issue. Without this patients become a statistic & statistics numbers , numbers don’t have needs .
Dear @DesperateofDevon,

Generally dad received good care unlike (my grandmother who may not have had dementia but was left with some individuals not always knowing what to do with her) but it was an uphill struggle trying to get him to the doctors before diagnosis. I often see people encouraging others to the write to their GP on this forum but when I did that I got no reply and yet they have a special post box for patients! Dad was putting things in odd places at this point but when he started to see people that weren't there I contacted them again and we had to use his other conditions to get him to the doctors.

There was also the case of the missing blood test and when he complained about his foot he was seen by a nurse and not a doctor because some surgeries were giving more duties for the nurse. By the time he was seen by a doctor about his feet his blood pressure was starting to plummet and he had several falls.

When his Alzheimers became so severe that he had to go back into the care home permanently we were seen by a social worker who said that I would have to pay a top-up eventhough dad was self-funding. My brothers and I knew more about the system than she did!

I just remember the sleepless nights worrying about what was to come and how I was going to fit in the caring and pay for it. I worrying constantly about dad so I take my hat off to everyone here who is still going through it.

MaNaAk
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
3,242
0
Dear @DesperateofDevon,

Generally dad received good care unlike (my grandmother who may not have had dementia but was left with some individuals not always knowing what to do with her) but it was an uphill struggle trying to get him to the doctors before diagnosis. I often see people encouraging others to the write to their GP on this forum but when I did that I got no reply and yet they have a special post box for patients! Dad was putting things in odd places at this point but when he started to see people that weren't there I contacted them again and we had to use his other conditions to get him to the doctors.

There was also the case of the missing blood test and when he complained about his foot he was seen by a nurse and not a doctor because some surgeries were giving more duties for the nurse. By the time he was seen by a doctor about his feet his blood pressure was starting to plummet and he had several falls.

When his Alzheimers became so severe that he had to go back into the care home permanently we were seen by a social worker who said that I would have to pay a top-up eventhough dad was self-funding. My brothers and I knew more about the system than she did!

I just remember the sleepless nights worrying about what was to come and how I was going to fit in the caring and pay for it. I worrying constantly about dad so I take my hat off to everyone here who is still going through it.

MaNaAk
Bless you , well today I updated the placement waiting to hear about funding from the hospital … 10 days & counting !
I emailed PALS & phoned them saying I contacted you last week & can you help please? I was then given a different email address & contact details & basically am losing the will to live … but perhaps that’s the idea?
the list of issues at the hospital just keeps growing … I don t think they can help themselves.
daughter today booked appointment to see her Granny - well it’s only taken 10 days!
Then received email to say that Ward Manager would be discussing issues & future care plan with the Granddaughter….. umm actually we are LPoA ‘s & we are still waiting for an explanation of why 3 consultants say Mums at End of Life & a ward nurse & manager say she’s not ?
why the placement are waiting to hear from the hospital to confirm funding 10 days & counting? Why Mum is being given meds when she’s got a DNR & doesn’t want intervention? Why they moved mum not once but 3 times to different wards & to a different hospital without informing us ? Why they stopped pain meds & didn’t tell us? Why the CHC has never received the fast track CHC & yet we are told Mums been refused?
Yep I can see why all of a sudden that talking to a young granddaughter is preferable to talking to 2 LPoA’s !!

seriously … I’m either crying or a wreck ! It would be easier to just say ok … but Mum could be placed in a care home & she needs nursing palliative care - the home they placed Dad in wouldn’t get the morphine & driver sorted & the district nurse wouldn’t come out to fit it at 7.15 pm as she could be heard over the phone saying oh he’s still going to be there in the morning . Dad was dead by 9.15pm.
the arrogance of some professionals is shocking & sadly we are struggling again because of that!
well CQC now has the facts
PALs has the facts
Do I think it will make a difference - no!
The system is being privatised & there are more managerial roles than nursing staff .
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,138
0
Essex
Bless you , well today I updated the placement waiting to hear about funding from the hospital … 10 days & counting !
I emailed PALS & phoned them saying I contacted you last week & can you help please? I was then given a different email address & contact details & basically am losing the will to live … but perhaps that’s the idea?
the list of issues at the hospital just keeps growing … I don t think they can help themselves.
daughter today booked appointment to see her Granny - well it’s only taken 10 days!
Then received email to say that Ward Manager would be discussing issues & future care plan with the Granddaughter….. umm actually we are LPoA ‘s & we are still waiting for an explanation of why 3 consultants say Mums at End of Life & a ward nurse & manager say she’s not ?
why the placement are waiting to hear from the hospital to confirm funding 10 days & counting? Why Mum is being given meds when she’s got a DNR & doesn’t want intervention? Why they moved mum not once but 3 times to different wards & to a different hospital without informing us ? Why they stopped pain meds & didn’t tell us? Why the CHC has never received the fast track CHC & yet we are told Mums been refused?
Yep I can see why all of a sudden that talking to a young granddaughter is preferable to talking to 2 LPoA’s !!

seriously … I’m either crying or a wreck ! It would be easier to just say ok … but Mum could be placed in a care home & she needs nursing palliative care - the home they placed Dad in wouldn’t get the morphine & driver sorted & the district nurse wouldn’t come out to fit it at 7.15 pm as she could be heard over the phone saying oh he’s still going to be there in the morning . Dad was dead by 9.15pm.
the arrogance of some professionals is shocking & sadly we are struggling again because of that!
well CQC now has the facts
PALs has the facts
Do I think it will make a difference - no!
The system is being privatised & there are more managerial roles than nursing staff .
Dear @DesperateofDevon ,

How absolutely awful! The worse a professional ever said to my nana all those years ago when she was in hospital awaiting a leg amputation was when she asked a consultant whether she would need to have the amputation below the knee and the consultant said oh more than that"! My nana was in tears . You have all been treated appalling in my opinion.

MaNaAk
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
3,242
0
Dear @DesperateofDevon ,

How absolutely awful! The worse a professional ever said to my nana all those years ago when she was in hospital awaiting a leg amputation was when she asked a consultant whether she would need to have the amputation below the knee and the consultant said oh more than that"! My nana was in tears . You have all been treated appalling in my opinion.

MaNaAk
Do you know the worst thing about all of this .. I live in hope .
my glass is always half full even when I’m down to the dribbles !
Ever the optimist , means it’s easy to be crushingly disappointed.
Crystal clear should be a standard giving a concise care pathway.
Compassionate traits in a person should be a criteria for employment.
Maybe if enough of us complain we can change things for the better. I know that I am always going to be that person who does the right thing, it might not make me popular but folks know I’m a safe pair of hands xx
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,138
0
Essex
Do you know the worst thing about all of this .. I live in hope .
my glass is always half full even when I’m down to the dribbles !
Ever the optimist , means it’s easy to be crushingly disappointed.
Crystal clear should be a standard giving a concise care pathway.
Compassionate traits in a person should be a criteria for employment.
Maybe if enough of us complain we can change things for the better. I know that I am always going to be that person who does the right thing, it might not make me popular but folks know I’m a safe pair of hands xx
Still thinking of you all @DesperateofDevon .

MaNaAk
 

Whisperer

Registered User
Mar 27, 2017
299
0
Southern England
Do you remember a memory & find yourself cry/ laughing ? Now that is weird - both emotions at the same time … pain of loss & joy of laughter at a memory.
Don’t say I’m the only one & some sort of freak !🤦‍♀️😅xx
Dear @DesperateofDevon

No you are not a freak. I have a memory which does both for me. To cut a long story short me and mum found ourselves at a loose end one windy autumn afternoon. Leaves were falling from the trees and on a whim me and mum spent 30 odd minutes trying to catch them. Utterly failed, ended up holding each other and laughing out loud. I remember the laughter then I feel the pain of her loss. Pre Dementia memory. How can such a vibrant person be totally gone.

I recently read that we can honour our lost loved ones by living a full and positive life. I try to hold onto that thought but in all honesty in my low moments it just feels like empty words.

I have read your recent posts and you have my deepest empathy. I mostly met with kindness and professionalism from health workers, but clearly this is not universal. Please accept my apology on behalf of others who do not seem to appreciate the harm they are doing to others. Maybe one day their turn will come, or that of a loved one and they will learn at that moment what caring really is about. We can live in hope.

Yesterday was a good day for me, today another crushingly low one. I suspect mum’s illness and the circumstances of her death will never fully leave me emotionally. But each autumn falling leaves will give me a bitter sweet memory. Please take care in future. I truly hope one day Desperate of Devon can perhaps become Calm of Devon. My very best wishes.