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Does Anyone Still Shed A Tear Just Over Two After Death?

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
574
0
Not quite the same as my Dad didn't have dementia, he died 6 years ago and I still cry. I didn't cry at his funeral (because I was so intent on looking out for mum who was showing signs of dementia) and in a weird way I feel about that. Sometimes I can remember him with a smile but other times I can be in tears. I also cry for my mum who is now in a nursing home and I know that is not what she wanted.

Take care, sending hugs if needed
 

golfer38

Registered User
Aug 7, 2016
15
0
Hello Everyone!

I'm just wondering whether anyone here still sheds a tear just over two years after death. Sorry this is such a personal question but I feel I'm still grieving a bit and this is really the only place I can express because you all understand what it's like to care for someone with dementia.

My dear dad was a manager at Malaysian and British Telecom departments and it was awful having to be in the consultant's room when he received his diagnosis at a time when he still understood what Alzheimers meant. The worst times were when he thought mum was still alive, wandering outside and falling down. However his ending was sudden but he still remembered me. Got to stop dwelling.

Hugs to anyone going through this.

MaNaAk

PS: Sorry the tears are falling but I've got to get on with my day.
I still have a good cry going on for five years now. Grief doesn’t have an expiry date.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,116
0
Essex
Sometimes I grieve for both and dad and yet she died in 2008 but I was concerned about dad when she passed away and I think he was concerned about me. It's lovely sharing this on here.

MaNaAk
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,226
0
Southampton
my nan and granddad are the ones i miss most and want back. my granddad has been gone 42yrs now but he was my protection when i needed it most. my nan was about 10 years ago now. she outlived my mum by quite a few years. i dont cry but just feel sad that i cant go and see her any more, that she cant correct my knitting or teach me new things, that i cant share what we read, before she died she was a great great gran and each child born is not going to know her and her funny little ways. she had a picture of me when i was 4 months on her wall and i have it on display as well as a picture of her with her great great granddaughter. she could have taught me so much. we dont have a grave to visit. her ashes were reunited with my granddads.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,116
0
Essex
Yes I have a framed photo of dad on the sideboard and more framed photos of both mum and dad that need to be hung on the wall of my next flat. We were also very close to our special nana who mum cared for with dad's help.

MaNaAk
 

LynneMcV

Volunteer Moderator
May 9, 2012
4,139
0
south-east London
As others have said, it is a perfectly natural thing to do @MaNaAk and it doesn't matter how many years have passed.

At the weekend it was the third year since my husband passed and it was like being plunged back in time as the grief hit me again - but mostly I get by ok. When the tears come, just let them come, there is no time limit to grief and the tears are all part of the release.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
74,329
0
Kent
I`m another who allows the tears @MaNaAk .

Anything can trigger them, music, words, a photo, a memory or they can come out of the blue for no apparent reason at all.

Every Sunday night, my husband used to lie in bed while I was on Talking Point. We would listen to Harmony Night on the radio, usually sentimental music and songs from a bygone age. It was one time when my husband was perfectly calm and would comment about the `beautiful music` until he went to sleep.

I still listen to Harmony night every Sunday by myself and it is full of emotional memories.
 

sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,477
0
East Coast of Australia
My Dad died of cancer in 2000 and I looked after Mum for two years in my home until she went into care in 2002. I still had Ray to look after full time with many stroke deficits and by then first signs of dementia. He died in September 2012, Mum died in November 2012. From time to time I cry for them all and individually on birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day and just those times when something happens that makes me think of one of them. I don't worry about it, just dry my eyes and go on with life
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,116
0
Essex
My Dad died of cancer in 2000 and I looked after Mum for two years in my home until she went into care in 2002. I still had Ray to look after full time with many stroke deficits and by then first signs of dementia. He died in September 2012, Mum died in November 2012. From time to time I cry for them all and individually on birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day and just those times when something happens that makes me think of one of them. I don't worry about it, just dry my eyes and go on with life
Thankyou @sunray. I remember you I still shed a tear occasionally and are feeling a lot better now. My trouble was that I had to move house after dad's death and I couldn't really talk about my grief with my invisibles.

MaNaAk
 

Whisperer

Registered User
Mar 27, 2017
299
0
Southern England
Hello

Just returning to this thread again with a further thought. Losing a loved one will always be painful, Carers do not mostly just get over it and move on, much as others might want them to.

For Carers the pain I suggest is more intense. Dementia involves so many “little deaths” along the way. I was shielding with mum for almost a year. In reality a part from weekly Skype sessions with my siblings, me and mum disappeared into our own Dementia centred world. We became so very close surrounded by a world I found confusing at times, let alone poor mum.

That isolation before mum’s death, dealing with each Dementia decline in her abilities all made her loss the harder to deal with. In that I am very much not on my own. I just think as Carers we grieve but sometimes we forget the demands which were made on us and linger in the memory. In the years immediately after death we have so many Dementia memories fresh in our mind.

Today I am sitting in the shade in the back garden. Butterflies pass me by, the odd bee, in the background young kids playing at lunchtime at a nearby school can be heard. Years ago as a young child I sat with my granny in her back garden. So the cycle of life goes on. You are right mum this truly is a “beautiful world”. I miss you mum, it still hurts, but I realise now my initial fear of forgetting you is not real. I still remember the things you use to say, the fun we had over so many years. Dementia was cruel to you, but I was able to love and support you through it. That developed me as a person, I think now compared to the past a better one. So mum I will sit here and “watch the world go by”, knowing that you are very likely sat with me as well.

Sorry bit of a rambling comment, but for the first time since mum died I felt an unknown feeling today, took me a while to recognise what it was. Just happy, glad to be a live, able to remember mum pre Dementia, feel sad at her going, but joyous at having known her. There will be bad days to come, tears at times, but gradually I can let go of Dementia mum and cherish old mum. Something just a few weeks ago would have sounded impossible.

Best wishes to everyone.
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,740
0
81
East of England
This thread struck a chord with me because the other day a little boy who lives near me asked me if he could come and watch ‘that quiz programme that we used to watch’ again. He was talking about Pointless which I used to put on for my husband because he could enjoy it and the boy used to curl up next to him and they would watch together. A young child doesn’t take any notice of the oddities of a person with dementia, but chats away happily about the programme. I felt a jolt and pang to my heart and tears sprang to my eyes. I pulled myself together and said that when the dark nights returned we could watch it again after school which was when he used to come. It makes me emotional just to write about it but life does go on and I know how much he would enjoy it so I shall let him come when autumn comes. So yes it’s a very human response to great pain, to cry and mourn what is lost. Melancholy is a very good description of how I feel about this.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,116
0
Essex
Thankyou you two and it must be worse with lockdown. Unfortunately the grief has materialised again as my friend's neighbour has been diagnosed with mixed dementia.

MaNaAk
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,226
0
Southampton
Thankyou you two and it must be worse with lockdown. Unfortunately the grief has materialised again as my friend's neighbour has been diagnosed with mixed dementia.

MaNaAk
thats not good but at least your friend has a very knowledgeable and supportive friend in you that knows all the things that need to be put in place. looking after your dad is in a sort of way helping your friend.
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,740
0
81
East of England
This sounded lovely so I thought I would listen. The first track was Wimowey which immediately reminded me of a close friend whose favourite ‘special’ romantic song it was but who died many years ago of Creutzfeld-Jacob disease after years of suffering at a young age and I thought how cruel life can be. Extraordinary coincidence but made me reflect that I have been spared from even worse pain watching my husband suffering as I know so many people on TP have to do. It takes me right back to my youth.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,116
0
Essex
Just changing and found linen and found linen that used to be on dad's bed and the emotions come back. In two weeks it will be mum's anniversary.

MaNaAk