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Does Anyone Still Shed A Tear Just Over Two After Death?

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
4,948
0
Essex
Hello Everyone!

I'm just wondering whether anyone here still sheds a tear just over two years after death. Sorry this is such a personal question but I feel I'm still grieving a bit and this is really the only place I can express because you all understand what it's like to care for someone with dementia.

My dear dad was a manager at Malaysian and British Telecom departments and it was awful having to be in the consultant's room when he received his diagnosis at a time when he still understood what Alzheimers meant. The worst times were when he thought mum was still alive, wandering outside and falling down. However his ending was sudden but he still remembered me. Got to stop dwelling.

Hugs to anyone going through this.

MaNaAk

PS: Sorry the tears are falling but I've got to get on with my day.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,848
0
Southampton
Hello Everyone!

I'm just wondering whether anyone here still sheds a tear just over two years after death. Sorry this is such a personal question but I feel I'm still grieving a bit and this is really the only place I can express because you all understand what it's like to care for someone with dementia.

My dear dad was a manager at Malaysian and British Telecom departments and it was awful having to be in the consultant's room when he received his diagnosis at a time when he still understood what Alzheimers meant. The worst times were when he thought mum was still alive, wandering outside and falling down. However his ending was sudden but he still remembered me. Got to stop dwelling.

Hugs to anyone going through this.

MaNaAk

PS: Sorry the tears are falling but I've got to get on with my day.
morning @MaNaAk hugs to you too
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
65,165
0
70
Dundee
I think it's perfectly normal @MaNaAk. It's coming up for 5 years since my husband died and I would say I shed a tear every day - sometimes at happy memories and sometimes at sad ones. Don't apologise -as you say we just have to get on with our days but the tears are ok.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
4,948
0
Essex
Thankyou you two and @jennifer1967 I hope you had a better night. @Izzy I hope you are okay. I have a few friends outside this forum who've lost loved ones to dementia but those people who have never been in our situation do not understand as much as we do. I also treasure the memories of the things that I did with dad to retain his memory. Some of my friends remember seeing me taking dad out to lunch and even enjoyed trips to the hospital providing he could stop at Costas! My oldest friends were shocked at his diagnosis and wondered how I copied with every symptom and I wondered how everyone here coped.

MaNaAk
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,848
0
Southampton
Thankyou you two and @jennifer1967 I hope you had a better night. @Izzy I hope you are okay. I have a few friends outside this forum who've lost loved ones to dementia but those people who have never been in our situation do not understand as much as we do. I also treasure the memories of the things that I did with dad to retain his memory. Some of my friends remember seeing me taking dad out to lunch and even enjoyed trips to the hospital providing he could stop at Costas! My oldest friends were shocked at his diagnosis and wondered how I copied with every symptom and I wondered how everyone here coped.

MaNaAk
no @MaNaAk it was a very busy night
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,199
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
Hi @MaNaAk ,
It is normal to shed a tear when we think of our loved ones who are no longer here with us. I think grief will never leave us completely.
What doesn't seem " normal" to me ( though it is difficult to define the concept of normality) is that paralysing form of grief some people still experience years after their loss. I mean, the grief which wraps everything in dark fog and prevents them from going on and enjoying the gifts life gives them.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
4,948
0
Essex
Hi @MaNaAk ,
It is normal to shed a tear when we think of our loved ones who are no longer here with us. I think grief will never leave us completely.
What doesn't seem " normal" to me ( though it is difficult to define the concept of normality) is that paralysing form of grief some people still experience years after their loss. I mean, the grief which wraps everything in dark fog and prevents them from going on and enjoying the gifts life gives them.
@margherita I know what you mean. I am currently having lunch in one of my new found favourite restaurants as they have had to turn the water off at the flats. Mornings seem to be the worst time and then I will go and teach my wonderful pupils who are a great distraction.

MaNaAk
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,716
0
Yes @MaNaAk it is probably quite normal. I feel very sad about what happened to dad, it was unfair and horrible. I also feel a lot of resentment over the way certain people reacted to his illness and the choices they took which has spoiled some family relations probably forever. I have tried to not feel like this because I don't like it but there is one person that I used to 'put up with' that I now cannot stand the sight of anymore which is all a bit sad but their behaviour was more than sad.

I am fed up with the covid situation because it immediately scuppered all my plans and I spend a lot of time feeling a bit hard done by. My plan was to do some travelling after dad but here I am still making plans that may or may not happen next year or the year after or god knows when.

I wanted my freedom and I got it for two weeks and then it was gone again and all I want to do is escape and make some happier memories. Having fish and chips brings good memories but too often and I will end up even fatter than I am now.

I don't think we ever get over losing someone but with time happier memories will replace the sad ones hopefully.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
4,948
0
Essex
Yes @MaNaAk it is probably quite normal. I feel very sad about what happened to dad, it was unfair and horrible. I also feel a lot of resentment over the way certain people reacted to his illness and the choices they took which has spoiled some family relations probably forever. I have tried to not feel like this because I don't like it but there is one person that I used to 'put up with' that I now cannot stand the sight of anymore which is all a bit sad but their behaviour was more than sad.

I am fed up with the covid situation because it immediately scuppered all my plans and I spend a lot of time feeling a bit hard done by. My plan was to do some travelling after dad but here I am still making plans that may or may not happen next year or the year after or god knows when.

I wanted my freedom and I got it for two weeks and then it was gone again and all I want to do is escape and make some happier memories. Having fish and chips brings good memories but too often and I will end up even fatter than I am now.

I don't think we ever get over losing someone but with time happier memories will replace the sad ones hopefully.
@Duggies-girl I know how you feel and I didn't hear from certain people during dad's recent anniversary but I've been in touch with friends. Can't wait for the rest of lockdown to finish so we can all get back to normal. When I've bought my next flat I hope to have some money left over to go away.

MaNaAk
 

Lilac Blossom

Registered User
Oct 6, 2014
573
0
Scotland
Yes MaNaAk , I also shed tears most days. My husband died just over a year ago, when lockdown started so there was nowhere I could go to make contact with other people just when I needed it most. In a way, I feel the loneliness more keenly now that "everyone" seems to be making plans for a better future - I'm not even sure that it makes sense for me to say that.

Lilac x
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
3,768
0
I still, after 4 years , feel anxious at 6pm. I used to ring home at 6pm everynight. Meals had to be arranged around this time. Dad and I talked about their day , what they'd had for tea, whether they'd had their tablets and even how the constipation was going. Mum used to talk few minutes too but she had problems with phone calls. I really miss those calls but I'm so pleased that I can remember that we did with great pleasure.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,733
0
Just to say that there is a brilliant forum for widows and widowers called way up.
It’s for online support and friendship and does organise local meet-ups.
With love, Kindredx
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
17,164
0
67
Toronto, Canada
It will be 5 years in August since my mother died. My grief is now a gentle melancholy. I shed the occasional tear when one of those unexpected reminders pop up. But my mother was a very practical, pragmatic person. I know she would definitely not want me to be consumed by grief. She would want me to go on and live my life to the fullest, as she loved me deeply and always wanted the best for me. I can still hear her voice saying in a slightly exasperated tone (with pursed lips and a slight frown) "Now, Joanne.." I am so grateful I can still hear it. Now that memory can make me tear up.

Although I am not a person who cries easily, I cried constantly for the first three months after she was diagnosed. Co-workers would walk into my office to see me working away with tears rolling down my face. It was very disconcerting for everyone.

Everyone handles grief differently. We have the same emotions but show them in our own personal ways.
 

Whisperer

Registered User
Mar 27, 2017
299
0
Southern England
Dear @MaNaAk

I suggest your tears are very normal. My mum died about 5 months ago and only now can I speak about her to others and not get badly choked off. I suggest the grieving process is unique for each individual. I was doing well in recent days. Then today is my birthday. I woke feeling so low, crying and just had to get out of the house. My birthday in recent years was always stressful as mum would worry all day she had forgotten it, even with cards on the mantelpiece (past years put up by me). I think it is fair to say I hate my birthday. It reminds me of mum’s gradual decline with each year getting worse.

I would say your tears reflect your love for your dad. They are nothing unusual, indeed I suggest they reflect well on you. I find I hear a song, see a colour, go somewhere, etc, and I can get upset by past memories with mum. I am still in relative early days, but I imagine mum will still bring tears to me on certain special days, or places long into the future. It is the price we continue to pay for loving someone after they have died. In my mind it is therefore a price worth paying.

best wishes for the future.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
4,948
0
Essex
Dear @MaNaAk

I suggest your tears are very normal. My mum died about 5 months ago and only now can I speak about her to others and not get badly choked off. I suggest the grieving process is unique for each individual. I was doing well in recent days. Then today is my birthday. I woke feeling so low, crying and just had to get out of the house. My birthday in recent years was always stressful as mum would worry all day she had forgotten it, even with cards on the mantelpiece (past years put up by me). I think it is fair to say I hate my birthday. It reminds me of mum’s gradual decline with each year getting worse.

I would say your tears reflect your love for your dad. They are nothing unusual, indeed I suggest they reflect well on you. I find I hear a song, see a colour, go somewhere, etc, and I can get upset by past memories with mum. I am still in relative early days, but I imagine mum will still bring tears to me on certain special days, or places long into the future. It is the price we continue to pay for loving someone after they have died. In my mind it is therefore a price worth paying.

best wishes for the future.
Happy Birthday @Whisperer. I hope you were able to do something nice for yourself. Yes birthdays were the worst as I would organise dad's and remind him of my brothers birthdays and I would have to remind my brothers of our birthdays! Xmas was even more difficult and during the first couple of years after diagnosis we were on our own on Xmas day. However I got dad out for a walk and I will never forget this. Your mum would have been very proud.

MaNaAk