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Does anyone snap at the person they care for

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Kellie-Ann, Apr 24, 2014.

  1. Kellie-Ann

    Kellie-Ann Registered User

    Apr 22, 2014
    289
    Southampton
    Well some times when nan is off on one at me I do tend to have my say back to her but it's not that often I do that how does everyone keep there cool I tend to just leave her in the front room as I go and stand in the kitchen because sometimes the stuff she says are so hurt full I know she can't help


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  2. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,154
    Toronto, Canada
    I think walking away is probably the best way to deal with it. If necessary to give an explanation, just say you're going to the toilet.

    Try to remember that it is the disease talking, and not your grandmother.
     
  3. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,438
    I think it's inevitable. I don't commend it but I did it, and the truth is, we are all human and sometimes slip. You have to forgive yourself and start all over again. Anyone who doesn't admit they have sometimes been short with the person they care for is 1) a saint or 2) guilty of selective recollection.

    I think all you can really do is try (and I emphasize try) to avoid situations where this can happen. Have you read the compassionate communication post? http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

    I think it can be helpful to bear these precepts in mind, but I also think that this is a monstrously difficult disease to deal with and sometimes you won't live up to your own standards.
     
  4. Not so Rosy

    Not so Rosy Registered User

    Nov 30, 2013
    578
    Of course people snap sometimes, you wouldn't be human if you didn't !

    Just best to recover the situation as soon as you can and make a fresh start.
     
  5. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,962
    Brixham Devon
    My Husband is in a CH now but when he was at home-yes! Tiredness did it for me:(When I'd had a few hours sleep I could manage (just about) No sleep-well grumpy old Lyn came to the fore.

    Take care

    Lyn T
     
  6. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,941
    Female
    Dundee
    I do know how you feel. I think you're doing the best thing by walking away for a while. We can only do our best.
     
  7. geordie

    geordie Registered User

    May 11, 2010
    108
    Virtually impossible not to snap at times - you have to learn a new communication 'etiquette' akin to compassionate communication - but it can be a v steep learning curve!
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,884
    Kent
    I think we`ve all snapped at times.

    It does`t make it right but does give us a warning to try to have a way of coping when things get too much.

    Walking away is certainly the best I have found because reasoning didn`t work.

    When my husband was in the early stages and could be left, I would take myself off for a walk. When he was unsafe to be left I went into another room.
     
  9. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    Verbal 'snapping' I think is par for the course when you are tired and stressed. Its so easy to snipe back.

    If you ever feel like you are going to physically snap, walk away before you do
     
  10. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    We wouldn't be human if we didn't snap sometimes, when l do my OH thinks its someone else talking to him, as l am one of 3 people, then he tells me all about this horrible person who he does't like very much, then he says she's nice sometimes gives me a kiss, so l feel better if l do snap. Pamann

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  11. Merrymaid

    Merrymaid Registered User

    Feb 21, 2014
    304
    If we didn't snap occasionally we would make ourselves ill too. I have not met any saints or angels in this life just hardworking conscientious carers who are trying to do right by partners & relatives dealing with a horrendous disease.

    Being aware that you are snapping is a positive on your part, as is having a coping mechanism to address those times when you snap. A bit of space to give you time regain your composure is often all that it takes to allow you to continue your challenging role. If a bit of space is not enough then it may be a sign that outside help is required to give you a period of respite.

    Our task is often a thankless one punctuated occasionally by lucid moments when loved ones show their appreciation for our efforts. When you can, take time to recognise your achievements, we are all on a steep learning curve and forget to look at just how much we are learning as we go. You and all those that share here are doing the best they can, you can't do more than that. :)
     
  12. Kellie-Ann

    Kellie-Ann Registered User

    Apr 22, 2014
    289
    Southampton
    Most of the time I can walk away and stand in the kitchen but there has been a few times where I have told her some home truths it's not often but when it happens I feel really guilty and beat myself over it
    Thank you everyone


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  13. Aprilbabe

    Aprilbabe Registered User

    Apr 17, 2014
    40
    I can relate to what you say Kellie-Ann and have just read through all the replies - sound advice everyone. I myself find it very difficult, in fact, just a couple of weeks ago, through tiredness and frustration, I presume, I found myself walking towards my mum ready to pounce, but I ended up throwing a packet of hot cross buns across the room instead!!:eek: I couldn't believe what I may have done. I felt quite ashamed tbh because I know that it's this horrid disease and not my mum. I now try to just walk away or change the subject as quickly as I can.

    TP has been a godsend to me even though I am a newcomer to it.
    Thanks everyone. :)
     
  14. Kellie-Ann

    Kellie-Ann Registered User

    Apr 22, 2014
    289
    Southampton
    TP seems to be a good place


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  15. Noorza

    Noorza Registered User

    Jun 8, 2012
    6,542
    This place has saved what little is left of my Sanity Kellie-Anne.

    I've snapped and I am fortunate enough that mum is able to live alone (just) as I couldn't live with her. I repeatedly say on here and anywhere that people who live 24/7 with dementia have my utmost respect and admiration.

    Most of the time when she kicked off (seems a lot calmer for around six months long may it last) I've snapped too. Just human like everyone else.
     
  16. Kellie-Ann

    Kellie-Ann Registered User

    Apr 22, 2014
    289
    Southampton
    I live with my nan as she can't be left on her own just because she is so many little things that is so unsafe that needs someone to just keep an eye on her


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  17. Kellie-Ann

    Kellie-Ann Registered User

    Apr 22, 2014
    289
    Southampton
    I was thinking how much I have given up just to make sure nan is safe 24/7


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  18. Noorza

    Noorza Registered User

    Jun 8, 2012
    6,542
    My son has just snapped at my mum, and I made him apologise but am not going to punish him for it. Maybe I should he was really, really rude but she was pushing so many buttons and we were trying to help.

    It's so hard my son's autism and my mum's condition just don't mix even though they adore each other. He does get really annoyed as he feels the caring I do means "I'm whipped".
     
  19. Kellie-Ann

    Kellie-Ann Registered User

    Apr 22, 2014
    289
    Southampton
    #19 Kellie-Ann, Apr 24, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 25, 2014
    Some of my family think I was a ***** when I felt so guilty telling my nan some home truths but they can't understand what it's like but most of the time when I said i had to walk away and never said anything back to her they are like you should have a go at her but the only time I say something back is when she is really bad which every now and again so it's like I can't win


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  20. Noorza

    Noorza Registered User

    Jun 8, 2012
    6,542
    Your family aren't giving her 24/7 care - you are! If you are such a bad person I take it they are going to take over her care from you? Thought not.
     

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